[Kayles86]

[Verse]when im high in the sky with you no-one else matters but me and just you,the sky painted in pretty blue tells a tale bout me an you

[Chorus]
i love you so dont you dare let me go if you dare feel the same baby please let me know cos i cant be without you i need you each day cos i love you i need you so wont you take me now

[Verse]I love you and i think you know that my love it burns from me to just you inside there aint nobody else who could take away my heart like you.

Any feedback is appreciated.

[yogabagaba]

Hi, this is a really good starting point for a song. Your love for someone, or something, is always a good thing to base your creativity in is as you can find inspiration in both the good and bad times. Something I would recommend however is using slightly less cliched metaphors (like being high in the sky with someone). The idea of unreciprocated love is so over-done it requires a lot more effort to add a personal touch to it or some uniqueness. Something that I find helps is attempting to portray your message, or theme, in an allegorical style. This way you can open a whole world of possibilities in terms of originalities, examples such as Shakespeare's sonnets where he compares his love of a woman to that of creating perfume, that something beautiful can still be created after his original desire (the rose) has died. Anyway, this is turning into an English essay, hope this helps.

[Kayles86]

Thanks craig ur view is much appreciated i do agree with what you say. Im hoping to build the song up a bit more so im always open to suggestions

[FustigateMusic]

I would reccomend breaking your sentances down and more puncuation. I like the flow of it and the rhymes are pretty solid even if they are a little overused.

I'm going to copy pasta your lyrics n add some space and commas to show ya what I mean

 [Verse]
when im high in the sky with you no-one else matters but me and just you
the sky painted in pretty blue, tells a tale bout me an you

[Chorus]
i love you, so dont you dare let me go
if you dare feel the same baby please let me know
cos i cant be without you, i need you each day
cos i love you, i need you, so wont you take me now

[Verse]
I love you, and i think you know that my love it burns from me to just you
inside there aint nobody else who could take away my heart like you.

Now I don't know if that fits how you origionaly thought it would go. But
that's how my mind wants to sing it. I've found spacing it out more let's you
See the basics a bit easier.
Like see how often you rhymed you with its self?

I mean, it works, and its pretty smooth. I'm sure if you had a fantastic
voice and belted it out it would be awesome, but its easy. And has been done
a million times like yogabagaba said. I have a stack of them I've written myself lol

Keep on writing though, I like your fearlessness with such a personal subject. Your on the right track.
I hope there's something helpful in there for you.

[The Corsair]

At this point there's little originality in terms of subject matter, that's all I'm going to say

[Kayles86]

Thanks FustigateMusic i see what you mean and it does look way better now. Thanks for the help buddy

I would reccomend breaking your sentances down and more puncuation. I like the flow of it and the rhymes are pretty solid even if they are a little overused.

I'm going to copy pasta your lyrics n add some space and commas to show ya what I mean

 [Verse]
when im high in the sky with you no-one else matters but me and just you
the sky painted in pretty blue, tells a tale bout me an you

[Chorus]
i love you, so dont you dare let me go
if you dare feel the same baby please let me know
cos i cant be without you, i need you each day
cos i love you, i need you, so wont you take me now

[Verse]
I love you, and i think you know that my love it burns from me to just you
inside there aint nobody else who could take away my heart like you.

Now I don't know if that fits how you origionaly thought it would go. But
that's how my mind wants to sing it. I've found spacing it out more let's you
See the basics a bit easier.
Like see how often you rhymed you with its self?

I mean, it works, and its pretty smooth. I'm sure if you had a fantastic
voice and belted it out it would be awesome, but its easy. And has been done
a million times like yogabagaba said. I have a stack of them I've written myself lol

Keep on writing though, I like your fearlessness with such a personal subject. Your on the right track.
I hope there's something helpful in there for you.