[polite_THINGS]

this song is about my ongoing existential crisis. it explains itself, hopefully. bits and pieces are missing, mostly because im trying to rhyme, and i find myself thinking the same thing over. its like a Dr Seuss book. everything in the song so far can rhyme with the word 'hand'. because of the first line. or perhaps 'bland' would be more suited. maybe im too close to it.  which is why i come here. im not much help with other peoples stuff, but i often find this helpful for myself.

ive whipped up a terrible demo to go along with it. oh its awful. no vocals. (link below). but you can probably imagine vaguely how its supposed to go. not that that is the part that matters to me in this instance. in the parts where i dont have a line yet, it will say so. its far from finished. so anyway, here. and thanks.

VERSE 1
i reached out to god but he faked me out and he cut my hand
i went to the doctor he doesnt take my insurance plan,
empty line
empty line

BRIDGE A
without my permission they signed me up
and they made my plans
filtered through the prism of someone
who doesnt understand

VERSE 2
im afraid of ghosts
the FBI and the taliban
empty line
empty line,
everybody's needs are the same
and so we do the dance
empty line
empty line

BRIDGE B
(there is one but i haven't written it yet)

(and some different stuff here. it needs an infusion of something different because it stays in the same place the whole time musically, but then needs to be brought back for the final bridge.)

BRIDGE C
On his weekends off
the devil plays in a wedding band
i reached out to god but he
faked me out and he cut my hand
-------

so, i dont know. its half baked at best. let me know what you think?


https://soundcloud.com/polite_things/fucking-terrible-demo

LINK^^^^^^^ (excuse my language)

[boolio]

Hi, yeah this is kind of reminiscent of the violent femmes, I think, no bad thing.
I get too close to my lyrics/melodies all the time it drives me insane!! I was looking at the structure all I can say is avoid making it too complex...
Anyway talking of insane here's a couple of lines to fill in the blanks at the end of the first verse but I've probably missed the point entirely, and because your lyrics are clearly intensly personal, please don't pay too much attention to 'em! They just might spur a less bogus idea from yourself

He's always on the fairway and doesn't care unless his ball's in the sand

Just another Ivy leaguer complete with the brain of a gingerbread man...


Keep at it

Phil

[polite_THINGS]

thank you for the response.
'reminiscent of violent femmes'. Thank you also for that.
'intensely personal' and that too. These things make my day.

On the first verse its not really about the doctor him/herself. Its about contracting a condition, say cancer for examples sake, as part of 'gods plan' and you cant get treatment because of greedy health insurance companies and big pharmaceutical companies like pfizer. I didnt want to linger on that idea because what im going for is that life is a mess of puzzle peices that dont fit together and cause people alot of pain, all while supposedly being a higher plan.

Im having difficulty slimming down a whole existential crisis concept into one song though, lol. Its a very touchy balance between under and over explaining things.

Thanks for the verse ideas as well its nice to have ideas from another persons head who isnt close to the thing. 

[ScottLevi]

Hey Polite,

I like your lyrics and demo separately but couldn't for the life of me put the two togethor - by that I mean I couldn't read through to the instrumental, but I do think the content of the lyrics would suit the demo, and would love to hear you put the vocals over them.

I really like the premise, and especially how the first verse starts. Feel free to ignore me but I've got a few ideas which may help.

Descide what you want from the rest of the first verse. Boolio's put some fantastic lyrics togethor that made me smile but it's hard to tell what your looking for message wise. I think it would be nice if the whole of the rest of that verse followed the 'I tried to do something / ask for help but was blocked/screwed by x' theme that the first two have. I think having an idea if that is what you're trying to do but are not sure on the lyrics, or if you want to do something else like showing your frustration caused by the first two lines - or even contrasting the first two with example of where other things have gone right. This will help you focus your creative spirit and also give us a better idea of the tone of the song.

Also, potentially a 'bad' idea as it might result in your settling, but I like to make sure each verse is finished regardless of the quality, but make note of the lines I dont like. This at least let's you the song through, get the rhythem and understand better what would fit. Sometimes these 'filler' lines have end ed up being unexpected favourites too.

Same with verse two, the first lines are both intruduce new phobias, are you planning in the next two following on or a slight change of emphasis?

Also with the similar rhymes throughout, is this something you've aimed for intentionally or organically and ended up locking yourself in? How it is at the moment you could AABB on the first 4 lines potentially on both verses.

I really like what's there and think there's plenty of potential, but too many unknowns to give real feedback, just some ideas on how you could elaborate to yourself and us on your vision going forward

Sorry for waffling on, can't help it sometimes..