The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Kafla's Evil Twin on September 11, 2013, 01:56:56 PM
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http://soundcloud.com/big-dong/snapshot-plans
Weird one this - my friend has just finished a film and media course and is trying to pitch a film concept to a few studios.
He asked me to write something for the pitch and fingers crossed for his film. It's a trainspotting type affair - these 2 worthies rob a convenience store but the old Indian who owns it puts a curse on them and it all hell breaks loose.
I understand this will not be to everyone's taste and will not be offended if you hate it !
Snapshot plans
I had one thought when I got to your door
And that was to change your mind
It's easy to make snapshot plans
That centuries cannot reverse
So you 'didn't like the way she looked at me'
I told you just to ignore it
But you had to go throw that glass in her face
And we fell like china in a bull shop
So my hearts racing a sprint and I'm following behind
I can see you through the door glass
I'm counting the steps and trying not to make snapshot plans
The doors opening as my hearts closing
And when I see you I know it's over
You look so broken : shocked at how easily things fall apart
I walk and turn away
It's funny how one second can define the years
heavens clarity represented in those stopwatch beats
But all I feel now is relief , grief and hope
I have butterflies deep in my soul
Walking home even the trees look different
Greener : I can see the dew shine like little diamonds
I never thought I'd owe so much to glass
The cut it made was deeper than love
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I swore to myself I wasn't going to post on here again, but I felt I had to after hearing this.
1 word - Fantastic!!!. Let's be honest here it's never going to be number 1 due to its lack of commercialism. However, as a piece of art in its own right it's wonderful. Lyrically it's very very clever, and the incidental music running not only suits the mood, but sets the mood perfectly. This is something I would listen to over and over again to try and get into the artists head, in order to try and feel the emotions of the song. A lot of underground clubs play stuff like this and it's big business, you should try speaking to some of the DJ's from these clubs, because they would love this sort of thing.
Superb stuff, well done
Mark
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Hi,
Interesting piece. Certainly makes me want to see the film.
The voice over works well with the music - does sound like it's from Trainspotting. Then the outro section- a bit Gorrillaz.
Something different. Good luck to your friend.
Cheers,
Digger
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Cheers Mark and Digger ,
It has a little charm I think - I can picture the events in my head so I must have achieved something - ha ha
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This is great.
You have managed to convey emotion in a quite monotone vocal. Very good.
Images abound with this piece of music without even trying. That's quite an accomplishment.
Great lyric.
Alan.
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Not something you'd expect to hear at a wedding disco. But, fascinating, intriguing, dramatic, cinematic even...definitely has multimedia potential! I was going to allude to Trainspotting, but only because of the "glassing", but I don't think I need to...
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Alan & Science,
thank you for your kind words ;D
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This song has Andrew Cruse all over it! Is BigNoise a cover for this talented man?
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Ah the penny drops... Yes I recognise that vocal and writing style....
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hi BigNose
terrific little movie youve got here and you deliver the lines so well, a natural
i thought was john hannah from the mummie movies ..
brilliant really enjoying it
and you borrowed midges vienna kick drum ya wee bugger
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hi BigNose
lol... uncalled for.
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hi BigNose
lol... uncalled for.
You call me big nose one more time :P
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I assume the lyrics/words (don't know whether you'd call them lyrics, but they are very lyrical, so why not...) are dialogue/monologue from the film? They work great to your musical setting. My fave line is the china in the bull shop one... The film sounds interesting, and with this in the pitch, I'm sure it'll grab some interest. Certainly got mine!
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Glaswegian Kraftwerk ;D
Very clever, I really liked this
Cheers
Jamie
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WOW Andy, Fecking Brilliant Man, hope i got your name right this time ;D the only thing i'll say is higher up the volume a bit on your vocals, great commercial for a movie.
You're definitely on a winner here, Love it all Mate 8)
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wow, this is amazing. I love the minimalistic synth line. the snare could use a tiny bit of reverb. The second part of the song is interesting, I like how it's slightly "off" and dissonant. Definitely a nice piece of music.
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Okay... so it's not commercial. But I've got just one thought in my head.
DAMN THAT WAS GOOD. I'd buy it before I'd buy half the tripe on the radio.
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I Love the Stirling accent! & the song itself especially towards the 2 minute on bits which is so full of colouration & vibes. The best thing about this is that you are experimenting & creating something
that is different & stands out from the crop.
Great stuff! STYLUS :)
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Thanks everyone - I was thinking of doing that November Album writing month challenge this year
I have an idea of developing this into an album and trying to develop a plot over the 10 songs with the robbery right in the middle
I know what I want but we can see if I pull it off ::) :-*
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Holy cow :o I didn't know you was a Glaswegian gangsta yo. Seriously impressed with this bit of work Kaf.
It's a bit of a dream of mine to have the opportunity to make music for a film, so hearing your track gets me really fired up about this dream. Particularly because I think you've nailed it. Didn't know you were so handy with a synth. Or at acting (assuming that's you doing the voice-over?).
There's real skill involved in making what you've made here. I really hope this film gets picked up, if only for your sake.
Very atmospheric, nice dynamic touches, great combination of sounds, great words & lyrics. Much as I'd like to offer constructive criticism, I can't! And this is still a work in progress? Can't wait to hear it finished.
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hey,
WOW I like this a lot great vocals, and everything works well for me
really enjoyed this clever stuff
look forward to the finished piece, ell done
tony.