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Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: seriousfun on July 15, 2013, 10:43:47 PM
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I am going to put a some scary music to this, a bit of a haunted theme.
This Nightime Place
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(c) Allan Kilgour.
A Flickering light
Casts a shadow night
And just like dreams
Its not what it seems
The dancing shapes
And the fluttering drapes
Make an illusion
Of total confusion
A sound on the air
A squeek from the stair
The slam of a door
The Noises clamour
A flittering moth
The curtain cloth
Touches the face
In such a scary place
A gasp and a scream
Terror extreme
Heartbeats race
In this nightime place
A lightning flash
Then the thunder crash
The rain on the sill
Another sign of evil
The hoot of an owl
And the baskerville growl
Sillohete of a witch
Across the moon on a switch
All of these sounds
And shapes all around
Change the calm in the air
Into total dispair
The midnight chime
In this darkest night time
Triggers the brain
in this scary domain
A gasp and a scream
Terror extreme
Heartbeats race
In this nightime place
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its good, its got that kind of scary halloween vibe,
i could imagine it kind of half whispered/half
spoken, with creepy music in the background
like maroon 5s come away to the waters
or ed sheerans london bridge
i just think it needs a small hook, maybe two line
chorus, somthing creepy, that gives yo shivers
u hope this helps :)
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Liked this. Good lyrics and flows well! Would work well for a Halloween song!
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I think this is very well written. Some great lines, images etc and it creates the vibe that you want. The only difficulty IMO is getting it to become a 'song' as it flows so well as it is and when I read over it it struck me that this works so well as a lyrical poem that it is difficult to imagine it as a song being sang. I can imagine this being read as a poem with some low level haunting music in the background but as a full blown song I'm struggling to see how it'll work out but you always have a great way of making things work Allan and I'm sure you'll have a much clearer idea of how this translates from very strong lyrics into a great song :)
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Hi Seriousun, good lyrics, well paced and plenty of imagery. I see you have 10 fairly similar structured 'sections' (verses?), but I know from looking at previous posts of yours that you'll have something up your sleeve to vary the delivery through the song :-) Look fwd to hearing it
GTB
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I like this. You've captured the imagery and atmosphere. It's like a Hammer horror movie! I just wondered about this verse:
A sound on the air
A squeek from the stair
The slam of a door
The Noises clamour
Maybe creak would be better than squeek for the stairs and something like - shake nerves to the core - instead of 'the noises clamour' as door and clamour don't rhyme when spoken.
Keep or sweep.
Nice one.
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Agree with most of the above (except from door and clamour do rhyme). I like this, it's a good set of lyrics with a really 'spooky' vibe. No criticism from me :)
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I like this. You've captured the imagery and atmosphere. It's like a Hammer horror movie! I just wondered about this verse:
A sound on the air
A squeek from the stair
The slam of a door
The Noises clamour
Maybe creak would be better than squeek for the stairs and something like - shake nerves to the core - instead of 'the noises clamour' as door and clamour don't rhyme when spoken.
Keep or sweep.
Nice one.
Great suggestion thank you. I will most definitely by using this.
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Hello Allen ..
Great song .. I am a fun of Animation movies .. so while I was reading all the horror images of those scoobdy doo scenes is presenting them self to my mind .. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I love the rhymes in the lyrics .. great work ..
waiting for the song ..
Cheers
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its good, its got that kind of scary halloween vibe,
i could imagine it kind of half whispered/half
spoken, with creepy music in the background
like maroon 5s come away to the waters
or ed sheerans london bridge
i just think it needs a small hook, maybe two line
chorus, somthing creepy, that gives yo shivers
u hope this helps :)
If you take another look you will find that the fifth verse repeats as the tenth verse. This will be acting as the chorus and will feature a change in melodic delivery. Not surprising you missed it as there are a lot of short verses in tis one. And you are bang on with the half whispered delivery, I already have a mock up of this song and that is exactly what I have used. Will try and finish it in two weeks when I return from holiday.
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hi. i like the way you write on different subjects and push yourself with lyrics, hope this piece works out for you
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Great Lyrics Its got me thinking of Boris Karloff,Peter cushing ,Christopher Lee , the monster mash
& the adams family ;D Scary & humourously so... positively appealing! Stylus :)
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hi allan
i agree with sing4me, it sounds great as a poem, i'd like to hear it as a song,
some great lines here, and certainly creates that halloween feel,
i really like the third verse, but maybe the last line could be improved, ( not heard before ) i feel would fit better, but hey, thats only my oppinion.
you know i'm a fan of your lyrics allan, always look ,forward to reading what you have come up with,
and your subject matter is often intriguing !
kev ! :)
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Allan,
Good lyrics and rhyming, I can't wait to hear how you deliver it? Spoken or sung...
Thriller?
Monster Mash??
:'( :'(
Neil
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Thriller?
Monster Mash??
:'( :'(
GHOSTBUSTERS
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hi Allan,
like this mate great feeling around it, some good wording to, i can imagine the music to it
I know you prob won't agree with me here and think oh no, but here goes
as I was reading it, as a kind of chorus I kept getting the Vincent price laugh in my head
and thought it really fits, but that's just me Allan, and my 2 cents
well written piece, tony...
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hey allan, how have I only just read this, really enjoyed it, like your use of words and get the scary feel in it.
another good song from you well done mate
James