Hi RedRhodie
Nice song, and a great idea.
I felt that the verses might benefit from a bit of variety to the melody, and meter of the lyrics, I found myself knowing what was coming all too soon, take a risk and hike the melody upwards, or downwards, and leave out lyrics making space for the melody that people have in their heads from the first verse.
As they say in Jazz, if it's more than 50% predictable people will be bored, and less than 50% then they'll also be bored.
Hope you don't mind.
CPM