The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: flossie on May 09, 2013, 09:24:22 PM
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I think this is finished! ::)
https://soundcloud.com/hewood29/i-can-breathe
I am in a ballady sort of mood (erm as usual!!!)
My mum think the melody should resolve on the word anything, any thoughts, as i said I had thought it was finished!!! ;D
All feedback welcome
x
Lyrics:
I can breathe
Here I stand before you
Here I stand in the light
I know that it's hard to ignore me
well sometimes I can't get it right
No reason given
no reason sought
Just a little bit of heaven
In my arms, in my thoughts
No reason given
you were meant to be
Cos you were meant to be
I can climb a rainbow
Feel the wind as she blows
As long as you're beside me
Well I can do anything
Well I can climb a rainbow
Feel the wind as she blows
As long as you're beside me
I can breathe
As long as you're beside me
I can breathe
No I won't feel no sorrow
No I won't feel no pain
I know it's just words that are falling
Who am i fooling not you today
No reason given
no reason sought
Just a little bit of heaven
In my arms, in my thoughts
No reason given
you were meant to be
Cos you were meant to be
I can climb a rainbow
Feel the wind as she blows
As long as you're beside me
Well I can do anything
Well I can climb a rainbow
Feel the wind as she blows
As long as you're beside me
I can breathe
As long as you're beside me
I can breathe
As long as you're beside me
I can breathe
Breathe, Breathe
As long as you're beside me
I can breathe
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The quality of the recording sounds better than usual.
I`ll listen to the song properly tomorrow....busy at the moment..you know.
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Excellent vocal performance, good tune and lyrics.
Thoughts: It may sound silly but I'm nots sure you've the right title. The words that lodged in my memory afterwards were : 'no reason given' 'beside me' and 'anything' . I thinks thats possibly because at 1.12 and 1.18 [and later on] the key lines "I can breathe" are too quiet, its better at the ending when you go up. If that is the title then it needs to stand out.
Hope that helps in your discussion with your mum!
:) :)
Neil
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What a yummy song with yummy lyrics, really enjoyed.
If people were asked to listen to the song and guess the title, I think they would struggle, as I would have guessed 'I can climb a rainbow' which I love, you have too many good hook lines in one song!!
Enjoyed very much. Terry.
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Very well delivered song.I enjoyed to listen to it.Recording quality is good I think. For me "I can breathe" is not the best choice too.I would name it "Climb a rainbow"
Thanks for sharing
Alexander
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@neilc @terry@fischermans Thanks you're all right, and I think I'm going to call it Climb a Rainbow instead! I just thought that might be too twee??!! Thanks also for the vote of confidence in the song.
@stc, I tried harder to record properly this time!!!
x
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Girl, you sure can sing !!!
I like I can breath as the title. I know it's a not quite as strongly sung as some of the other lines but is repeated so many times I feel it is the logical title. Sure the rainbow is technically a better lyrical hook but is only used twice at the star of verses so I don't think it has the same memory footprint as I can breathed just my tow cents worth.
But a super doper song. Loved it.
Allan.
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Hi Flossie,
Excellent vocal. This for me is what you're great at; stripped down, bare emotion, sparse music. When it's this good it doesn't need the circus around it. Just simple and beautiful.
Title: "Killed By Death??" :) Well may be not. I like "I can Breathe" too. Or simply "Breathe." Or, "That song with that bloody good singer doing a cracking job."
All the best.
Digger
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If this was a downloadable song I would buy it in a heart beat- your vocal is flawless and the song is beautiful. I agree with the Climb a Rainbow title, makes the song very intriguing, plus it's so original. Love this though!
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It's been a while since I heard you last.
Massive step forward I think. Vocal is great!
Well done on a really great song Flossie. We're quite similar with singing technique I feel.
Alan.
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Yes iv`e had a couple of listens..the clearer recording as made this stand out,and it`s slightly less emotional than some of your other stuff,which i also like.....the vocal delivery also sounds well done..
This is very promising . ;)
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You really are so talented Floss
Such a brilliant singer - totally off the radar - you should be a star
But please watch your diction - you sometimes 'mumble ' - get your tongue round those words - btw minor flaw ;) mumble was the only word I could find - its not as bad as a mumble ???
What a lovely tone on your piano ;D
But this is world class and then some - I could listen to this all day - and probably will ;D
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Beautiful, Gorgeous, Sexy.......and the song is great as well ;D ;D You just need that 'one' song to catch, and I have no doubt you will be a star. But you already are for me Flossie ;D ;D Loved it xxx
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@digger ;D Killed by death - interesting but probs shouldn't put death in the title of one of my songs they are depressing enough already :D Glad you liked it though - I wish I was adept at the circus bit though!
Jess, thanks - that's such a compliment. - I wasn't sure if the title would be corny with Rainbow in it but corny or not I think it has stuck!
@Alan - It has been a while, I was trying to concentrate on some instrumentals for a couple of stock libraries I belong to. I didn't produce nearly as much as I wanted and so had to come back to songs for a while - it's much more fun! I think I am improving a bit, I'm still learning how all knobs and buttons work so lots more progress to be made but thanks, that is a real confidence boost. Yes it's probably our age - re the singing!
@stc I was less lazy with this one - still haven't got the hang of things with production but it's getting better I think! I think I sound a bit aggressive on this one, not sure if it should be a lighter/sweeter vocal...don't know. Thanks for the listen
@Kaf :o Oh I really don't think so but thanks that's really, really kind :) You're right about the diction funnily enough I have only recently discovered that I am quite tongue tied - hubby would disagree ;D I tried to EQ the piano with my new EQing skills!
@Bin ;D :o :-* *blushing* That's what I would like just one song and that would do me. I really just want to lurk though (and pay a bit off the mortgage!) Glad you likey! You always make me smile - cheeky! x
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wow,the power and emotion in the song gave me goose bumps,wonderful vocals and great piano,I hope you are making pots of money from your talent,if not there is something wrong
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Hi Flossie...WOW! You have such a killer voice! I think you could make any song sound beautiful :) I wish I could get you to sing on some of my tunes...you sing so passionately...wish I could take lessons from you :-[ ...the song and lyrics are lovely...another killer song...you should be #1 on the radio...I am amazed at the talent on this forum 8)...thanks for this share
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Hi Suzy,
I'm not a great singer I do love to sing though ;)! I just shut my eyes and see where it takes me!!!. ;D I would love to sing on one of your songs. Thanks for your support xxx
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Loving this song simple clean piano with powerful vocals works for me. I see you have changed the title on sound cloud I guess everyone has there own opinion either title works well.
good luck with it
regards
Gordon
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excellent as always
the lyrics, the melody and the vocal, it is all simply perfect
yes, you should be a star....
do you enter a competition like the UKsongwritingcontest.....i know i was negative about that competition
but a song like this, should be a finalist....
i will pay the 15 pounds if you enter this ;D ;D ;D ;D
the deadline is june 30th ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Oooh FLOSSIE
This is your strongest song by far for me
As it is the song is absolutely gorgeous
I do feel there is an opportunity to develop a different version of this song though...
At 0.48 I am hearing a massive drum feel and a driving beat kicking in with dirty guitars, bass and a more up tempo drive from this point on - a la Kelly Clarkson
I would not necessarily say that this would be a "better" version but it would certainly be different and may increase pitching opportunities
I was not so sure on the change of title but I think it was the right thing to do - however, I would re-record the end section to revolve around the (brilliant) "Climb A Rainbow" lyric
The recording/production is much better - I was hearing a little noise on the piano track, was it recorded a little "hot"?
Backing the reverb off of the vocals sounds much better - KAFLA is spot on about the diction comments but please do not let this put you off and try to "hide" behind reverb - the vocal was beautiful!
Overall though my absolute favourite of yours (so far...)
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Thanks Gordon.
Oh and Dutchbeat I will think about that contest Hmmm I'm not sure!!!
Thanks Boydie, I'm really glad you like it and I will take a look at it again soon, need some space from iykwim!!! ;D
(sorry for bumping everyone)
x
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Hiya,
This is pretty beautiful. The piano sounds clean (how do you do that?!) and the overall structure flows very well. You're lucky to be blessed with such a powerful voice without sounding shouty. Could picture this at the end of a rom-com set to a montage of a couple meeting after being apart for a while. No criticisms here really, a lovely piece, well done :)
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Floss you're in complete control this is again beautiful, WOW.
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Thanks fauna and dogmax.
I use a piano from Reason and just EQ it too suit my ears!!! I'd love to one day get a placement sigh!!!
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Exquisite ! Climb a Rainbow is so much better as a title and hook. It's all been said. A beautiful ballad sensitively arranged and very well delivered.
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Very good this. I agree the best you have shown us.
The diction and reverb niggles have been covered but are completey minor.
In the studio this would soak up layers of strings and harmonies.
It is a testament to your writing and singing that I enjoy this so much, as mushy ballads are completely not my thing!
Big thumbs up xx
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Amazing Vocal Your tone is very appealing & The music(piano) & vocal timing is just great! Very Impressive........................ I like it all lyrics/vocals/music........:) Stylus
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Thanks Gary
James, I can't believe you like on of my songs Hooray ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Stylus thanks
xxx
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Wow! Love this song Flossie!
Beautiful lyrics stunning melody particularly in the chorus sung great as well.
Not sure if it's just me but I hear a definite country edge to this and could almost imagine hearing this in the background of an american tv show.
I agree with other posters about the title, personally I think just calling it Rainbow would work but of course just my opinion.
Other than that, I would say pretty flawless.
Well done :)
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I am struggling with, "Feel the wind as she blows" never seen the wind as a she. Otherwise stunning. Terry.
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Lovely, lovely track and if I had to give any critique on this it would be keys down a tad vocal up a tad because you have lovely voice and I want to hear you breathe ;)
I love getting in close to my mic specially on emotive tracks so you can hear everything, I think they call it 'working the mic'.
Anyway critique aside beautiful track Flossie :) x
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Hi all
Just wanted to say thanks to Dan Terry and Vibesville for the feedback, it's really helpful..apologies for the delay in responding and for bumping had a little op (nothing really serious) so haven't had my eye on the ball.
I've been offered a publishing deal yesterday for this one and one other, so it's quite exciting. I don't know what's involved though yet...!
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I've been offered a publishing deal yesterday for this one and one other, so it's quite exciting. I don't know what's involved though yet...!
Congratulations Floss the very best of luck to you, that really is great news ;D 8)
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superb flossie really class
bound to get something going with this and im sure you will
personally i like it just the way it is , O'natural as they say in ireland but be fascinating to hear what the desk jockeys come up with in way of interpretation..
good luck
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Awesome news on the publishing offer - and well deserved!!!!
Whether or not it is the right deal for you, getting the offer is an absolutely fantastic achievement
Congratulations and well done!!!
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Well, this is beautiful. Once again pure class but that doesn't come easy. I am usually careful what I wish for but I do often wish I'd studied music properly as you must have done. But even hard work needs a huge dose of talent to sound this good.
I have this image of you in a huge town house in a large room, wooden floor, windows open to a flower garden, sunlight streaming in and light drapes dancing in a breeze, empty but for a grand piano and you playing your music.
Hu Hem! Well, It's a lovely song. I don't know about where melodies resolve too technical I'm afraid but I love the melody as it stands. I always struggle to lift a melody away from the backing, no such trouble for you.
Good tune and structure. Good lyric and that wonderful voice I don't see anything that needs changing. I listened a few times before I realised there are strings ant the end and thought 'where did they come in then?' They just crept up on me and sounded great.
Just one thing though ... 'Here I snand in the light' at 0.08 How did that happen? ;)
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"I've been offered a publishing deal yesterday..." YEEEEESSSS." That is magic. Well done, good luck.
Flossie 'the diva' Wood. got a ring too it!
Will you still talk to us when your famous?
That is exciting. another title!!! 'As long as your beside me'.
I wish you well. Terry.
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Hi There, Lovely song played and sung beautifully, really nice. I'm new to this forum and not sure if this is the place to ask, but what do you use to record and produce your voice?
Regards
Jamie
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Thanks everyone for your support ;D ;D ;D
I'm no diva believe me Terry!!! Well apart from the ol man!!! Ha ha - have to keep him on his toes
It is exciting though.
Thanks Dogmax Boydie and Shiny, I record in the living room - (very tolerant family) I have a beautiful view of my garden through the patio doors and record on an Akai does that spoit things for you Shiny?!!!!
Jamie, I use a Rode N2 mic I think and record using 'reason and record' software the earlier version.
x
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Damn, this is so good...
Dutchbeat got somewhat teary eyes, but! that was because of smoke from cigarette in my eyes ..
of course
pff.. ::)
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Aww thanks Dutch xxxx
You're lovely
x
Very lovely ;)
and stop smoking it's really bad for you ;D
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Damn, this is so good...
Dutchbeat got somewhat teary eyes, but! that was because of smoke from cigarette in my eyes ..
of course
pff.. ::)
Aww thanks Dutch xxxx
You're lovely
x
Very lovely ;)
and stop smoking it's really bad for you ;D
Dutchbeat arrive at his nightclub in Casablanca standing outside he hear the piano playing that song he hasn't heard in years, Smoke get in your eyes, there's only one person who can play that song in Dutchbeat nightclub, "could it be" Dutchbeat thinks, walking inside Dutchbeat stands and looks around, Binladeda walks over to Dutchbeat and says "are you crying again Dutchbeat" Dutchbeat angrily reply's "no its the damn smoke" "you're only suppose to smoke one at a time" Binladeda tells him, Dutchbeat ask him "who playing that song" Binladeda smilingly tell him "why it Flossie she has return, aint it great Dutchbeat" Flossie look over and smile while coming down heavy on the keyboard the song get louder, "she playing our song Dutchbeat, will you stop crying Man" "im not crying" Dutchbeat mumble "its the damn smoke" Binladeda says "ah listen I had enough of this" and pull the ten cigarettes from Dutchbeat mouth taken part of Dutchbeat lips with them, Dutchbeat cry's in agony, Binladeda cry in agony because the cigarettes are burning his fingers, Flossie thinks they're dancing to her song so she play louder and louder shaking her head back and smiling over to them, Dutchbeat and Binladeda are dancing round the floor in agony, Flossie can see how much they're delighted to see her again and the song get louder and louder and louder until.
Dutchbeat get a wallop across the face and wakes up with the words from Mrs Dutchbeat shouting "you're having that nightmare again wake up" Dutchbeat open his eyes and says "you're my hero Mrs Dutchbeat" to which Mrs Dutchbeat replys "thanks darling, now here, have a cigarette"
Dutchbeat runs a mile shouting "im off the cigarettes im off the cigarettes"
Tune in next week, same time same channel for more adventures with, Dutchbeat, Binladeda and special guess Flossie and special special guess, Mrs Dutchbeat, and maybe even More.
Bye for Now All. ;D ;D ;D
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Brilliant!
What ARE you on?
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queen of the ballads step forward, the chorus is epic i can climb a rainbow mega when it goes into that bit!
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You got a publishing deal ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
In need for some extremely happy emocons right now :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I'm so excited for you, congratulations you deserve it so much xox
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I've been offered a publishing deal yesterday for this one and one other, so it's quite exciting. I don't know what's involved though yet...!
wow missed this reading thru! congratulations, mega that is!
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You got a publishing deal ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
In need for some extremely happy emocons right now :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I'm so excited for you, congratulations you deserve it so much xox
(http://www.pic4ever.com/images/thankyou.gif)Thanks Jess and for the smileys too, for variation go here...http://www.pic4ever.com/ (http://www.pic4ever.com/images/Laie_23.gif)
(http://www.pic4ever.com/images/turkydance1.gif)
Thanks MOSP glad you like the chorus!
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Awesome news, Flossie. Is it for you to perform, or for someone else?
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hi flossie,
MY GOD, that was beautiful, if I don't hear that in the charts one day i'll be amazed
pleasure to listen to well done, piano stunning lovely piece take care tony...
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@digger,Thanks for the congrats.....RE me singing it... absolutely not!! I can't think of anything worse hee hee ;D No it's for anybody else!
@benjo Wow thanks just need to write another one to equal it...oh bugger!!! ::)
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I don't like the title...but only for the purely personal reason that I have hayfever and asthma and the pollen is high...
...the song itself is awesome. Perfect for the winner of The Voice, this year I reckon, get on to Danny from The Script, bet he'd buy it in a trice.
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love this flossie :-) your voice reminds me of my fave female artist imogen heap x btw Serenity is just perfect. 8)
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;D @ the hayfever!!! Luckily it's now called Climb a Rainbow although there are still breathing references!!!
Thanks sciencebase and basshead for the reviews ahhh would be so lovely to get on get on to Danny and have a hit...sigh ;)
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The tune and lyrics are both very nice, but the most impressive is your voice.Very very emotional!!!
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Lovely song Flossie.
Your voice is the stand out part and the recording is ace too.