[Cazrolina]

Hey folks.

I'm in the final stages of lyric writing for my first vocal collaboration - a breakbeat track, due to record very soon. Just wanted to run what I've got (so far) past you clever people for your thoughts.

The subject for inspiration was an old movie about a shrink who sees a horrific tragedy, suppresses all emotions and then becomes unable to see the colour red -  until he meets a multiple personality disorder afflicted femme fatale who saves him from himself.

As it's an edm track, I've put a bit of a spin on it so it can also be about a hedonistic night out/ letting yourself go, so to speak.

All thoughts/criticisms welcome.


ALL THOSE FACES

Can you see me
Can you feel the fire
Light up
Light up the sky

Don't deny me
uncover me
remove your disguise
if I show you the key
All these faces
paint this town red
open your eyes
open your eyes

BRIEF CH
Colour the night
(/break)

V2
don't be
what they want you to be
make them
red
with envy

You hold
In your sights
all the power
all the plans
If you are released
will you fall for me

Ch
Colour the night
Colour the night
All these faces
Colour the night


You can see me
You can feel the fire
Light up
Light up the sky

Ch
Colour the night
Colour the night etc

[Martinswede]

Hi!

I like the whole lyric apart from the line 'with envy'.
It feels like that verse falls a bit flat on that word.
Maybe 'make 'em grieve'..?

I find giving input on lyrics the hardest part of constructive
criticism. Lyrics can make or brake when a melody is added.
Personally I think 'envy' is a hard word to sing. It's such a
'hard' word, sharp in a way, but I guess you make it work
with your melody.

I look forward to hear your song.

- Martin

[Cazrolina]

Cheers Martin. Good point well made. I see what you mean about the word envy.
Grieve would be great but  the movie character didn't grieve - hence his colour blindness.

How about if I change' envy' to 'jealousy'?

I have 2 melody ideas because my ideas for the timings of it keep changing. I am still knocking them around to decide what works but might record both. (Im a typical virgo apparently - always very thorough. haha.)
Will keep you posted.
Thanks again
C

[JonDavies]

I like this - nice short, snappy phrases

I like the hook line 'colour the night' - wouldn't this be a better title, considering it's repeated so much?

Good write, look forward to hearing it

[Mike67]

Hi Caz,

I also tripped over the red with envy line, but not sure why exactly.  Jealousy would work well, or even 'make them writhe with jealousy', for no other reason than I like the word. Great write and looking forward to hearing the end result. Exciting times in which we live.

Mike

[CaliaMoko]

I've heard of green with envy but not red with envy, so that's a new one for me. I don't have anything original to mention, but I'll agree with the idea of changing envy to jealousy AND of changing the name to  "Colour the Night". Since that seems to be the hook.

[Cazrolina]

Thanks Jon, Mike and Vicki.
Title I agree, ie as the lyrics stand at present, but my collaborator likes the "all those faces" reference. Chorus might change a bit once we agree on the melody, with his suggestions/changes etc I reckon.

I'd never worried about a lyric being better if it makes sense, but since joining the forum I agree with this pointer and often see that this is mentioned in the lyric critiques. The red with envy line was to do with the murders in the film, and the red missing from Bruce willis' sight.
I might replace the red with something like watch/stare/yearn/ache.
Cheers for the suggestions folks
C