The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: Paulski on August 16, 2017, 10:46:10 PM
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So this is a piano/vocal piece - any advice is welcome ;D
Hello Piano
Copyright (c) 2017 Tennyson Road Music
Hello Piano
May I sit with you a spell?
My mind's been through a lot today
But my heart has been though hell
Your keys feel so familiar in my hands
It's so nice to find you waiting here
To comfort an old friend
Oh, my Piano
That funeral was tough
The more I tried to hold my tears
The more they wouldn't stop
And people searching for a caring word
Just echoed "Sorry for your loss"
Their eyes fixed on the floor
{pre}
But you know what I came here for..
{ch}
Let's play a song that lifts us far from here
That frolics in fond memories, and lives in joyful years
We'll leave this sad and senseless day behind
For at least a little time
At least a little time...
So now, Piano
Guess I'll close you now and go
Though I'd love to spend forever here
There are those I must console
You've helped me keep this darkened cloud at bay
Consumed me with your magic
Just like every time we play
So I'll be back here soon, to say..
Hello Piano
Let's play a song that lifts us far from here
That frolics in fond memories, and lives in joyful years
We'll leave this sad and senseless world behind
For at least a little time
At least a little time
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I like this a lot. It totally suits my mood these days. I didn't notice anything really that struck me as wrong or awkward. I'm not completely sold on the phrase "darkened cloud" but I don't know what would work instead. And the rest is inspired.
Vicki
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Unmistakably Paulski.
I used to feel the same about my pillow...the only place my face seemed to fit, etc :)
Anyway...this is really good and I know for a fact it'll make a great song that deserves a much wider audience.
You know the Irving Berlin song "I love a piano"? I'm sure you'll know it...the Tony Bennett version with the Ralph Sharon trio...That's great too.
This might wind up better, though :)
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lovely.
a song dedicated to your piano.
Fine lyrics indeed!
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One word. WONDERFUL.
Nothing else I can say will add anything worthwhile.
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Amazing. Will work beautifully with some tinkling of the ivorys, of course. Great work :)
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Great idea,
the word ivories, could rhyme well with 'here' or ''will you please''
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These lyrics are AMAZING. They made me feel sad and everything. Just one thought that I had while reading the first verse: do you think it would sound better if you changed "but" for "and" where it says "my mind's been through a lot today BUT my heart has been through hell"? It feels like your mind doesn't feel as bad, if that makes sense (maybe it is what you're trying to say). Anyway, it's something very small and silly, still I wanted to let you know (:
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Just the right tone for me and super flow.
My initial reaction was that the word "funeral" was unnecessary as you then go on to explain what has happened. Suggestions? That last goodbye? (bit cliche?), That churchyard scene? (bit too churchy?)... not sure...
But you really take us to a particular situation and person, great storytelling.
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@CaliaMoko - Thanks Vicki. Yes I think that is a weak spot at "darkened cloud" but I couldn't do better at the time - maybe sth will come to me when I sing it ;D
@PaulAds - cheers Paul - I'll check out that song - I love Tony Bennet's voice - but I doubt mine will be better ;D
@Rightly - thanks! Yes I have a lot of respect for my piano - even though he's always "hammered" ;D
@hardtwistmusic - thanks Verlon - means a lot to get your thumb pointed upward ;D
@Cazrolina - thanks for the kind words!
@josemar - cheers for the nice remarks. Thankfully they don't make keys out of dead elephants anymore but I see your point about rhyming ;D
@Pawy - thank you! You're probably right about those lines. I meant to convey that his mind had been through nothing compared to his heart but maybe I need to reword it a bit.
@adamfarr - cheers Adam. Good point - maybe I'll change that line to "That service was so tough" Funeral is hard to sing so I was even thinking of talking it.
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ha ha, I didn't think of that!
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Old timey musical feel. Oh piano I felt is misplaced in the verse bar that it fits the genre well.
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Fine words as always Paulski. They invited me to think of Jon Denver's dog This Old Guitar. Both embraced the theme of a musical instrument and old friend that has been there through the worst and best of times.
Well done!
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Love it. My first instrument was a piano. I only got to grade 5 and I can now only play by ear in an amateur fashion but I can totally appreciate your love for this instrument.
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@CaliaMoko - Thanks Vicki. Yes I think that is a weak spot at "darkened cloud" but I couldn't do better at the time - maybe sth will come to me when I sing it ;D
Some ideas for "darkened":
gloomy
dismal
wretched
sorry
murky
dreary
leaden
turbid
blackened
angry
desolate
downcast
heavy
stormy
For your perusing pleasure, and in case any of them trigger a thought or idea.
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Thanks Joe, Paul, Micky and Vicki - for the encouragement.
I now have a work in progress for this:
http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=13833.0
I hope I can do it justice ;D ;D
Paul