The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: dasntn on January 05, 2018, 09:54:25 AM
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Hi
my first song posted here for feedback (gulp!) but not my first song - that was a while ago. . .
recording is at https://soundcloud.com/dasntn/what-is-right
It's a very personal song - the lyrics reflect my wife's illness - I'd rather not say more about that, but I think it's fairly obvious from the lyric - but I hope the song reflects the struggle of life without being too downbeat or negative.
What Is Right
I’ve been trying all my life
To do no wrong, but do what’s right
Ever since my love for you
We vowed together to be true
We’ve been together so long now, I know
Open and honest our partnership flows
Good times and hard times, but always we’d mend
And I believed this is how we would end
I’ve been trying all my life
To do no wrong, but do what’s right
Now a change has come to you
How can I keep my words true
You see things now that I just cannot see
Mem’ries arrive that are unknown to me
But you are sure that your world is so true
Should I live in your world to keep faith with you
You were the heart of so much of my life
Families and children and work and home time
But now your memories cloud into mist
Live for the moment is how we exist
I’ve been trying all my life
To do no wrong, but do what’s right
Now I know that lies to you
Are how I keep our love vow true
And I will keep all our memories safe
Pass to our children their future to make
As our love passes from one life to next
Together Eternal our love resurrects
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It's a lovely song. Someone once said it's hard to make a mandolin sound sad (is it a mandolin?) but I think you found the right delicate tone here. There's a matter of factness to the rhythm which suits as well - no whining, no drama, just dealing with things. The harmony vocals sound excellent too.
I like the concept a lot and especially the honesty to say that it can be hard to do what's right, and to take on the responsibility for this generation and the next.
On a small constructive note, because of the slightly "medieval" feel and the personal nature I think you can enjoy a little licence to get away with some of the re-arranged sentences (our partnership flows, their future to make...). There's usually a way of avoiding this though, and I would think about taking a look at those lines as to some they can sound artificial and undermine the other good work (and not just from our songwritery perspective).
But a great way to start off round here, and I look forward to hearing more...
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Thanks Adam - I did wonder about the strange word ordering a bit as I was writing it, but I think, as you say, in this instance it works - I appreciate that it wouldn't always!
The instrument is a Mandola (or Octave Mandolin) - 1 octave below a mandolin, so able to be less happy, I guess. :)
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Welcome to this forum dasntn :) This song is really lovely :) Even though the subject is a sad one, you've managed to pull it off in a way that is not too downbeat or negative, which is a real feat :)
I love the mandola and the duet with the guitar is beautiful. Your vocals are nice and soft and slightly vulnerable, which is perfect for such a personal song. Love the harmonies at the end :) Beautiful :)
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Love the Mandola playing, really nice! You also have a great voice.
Well done, lovely song well delivered.
Kevin
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Love the mandola playing and the verse melody. I think the 'chorus'/break ("We've been together...") is a little weak compared to the verse, but at this point I don't have an immediate suggestion that comes to mind! It just feels a little more monotone/static and a bit crowded compared to the verse maybe.
Is there some kind of chorus or phaser effect on the mandola(s) and your voice? I think it would sound more immediate and attention grabbing without those effects...they make it a litte too 'cute' for me
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Thanks for the comments @crystalsuzy, @kevysc and @ramshakles.
There's no chorus/phaser on the mandolin and vocals, but the vocals are doubled up, so that would give a chorus effect. Correction - there is, I forgot!
I can't claim responsibility for the singing - a friend did that for me.
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Aye, writing as I listen,
I love the cheerful open vibe. This indie folk kinda feel is really working. Maybe the vocals can be put a little bit further back in the mix just to give a more immersive experience with all the instruments, but that is just taste. As far as words go, these fit the song, and the general emotion is conveyed well.
Good work here!
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Damn man this is hauntingly beautiful. Really impressed with the song. The combination of the guitar? and your dubble vocal is really nice. Furthermore, I wish you all the best in what must be a very difficult time.
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Excellently crafted. The Mandolin reminded me of something else (see below). You may shake your head to start with but there are similarities... and might also be an idea generator perhaps as to where the production of this song could go.
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Lovely song, the instrumentation is very well played and sounds great, I like the harmonies at the end and I think you should use them on the first chorus too to make it stand out more, you have done very well to take such a sad time in your life and not make it sound depressing.
nice work, Mikey
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Thanks everyone - both for the advice and appreciation, and also the kind supportive words.
Took a while to see it, @Purplecherry, but I think I know what you mean!
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HI Dasntn,
Welcome to the forum.
There is a great atmosphere to this track - it made me think of late 60s folk, like the Incredible String Band or similar. The vocals are very good too.
Like Adam mentioned, the Yoda-speak in a couple of the lines put me off when I read the lyrics, but listening to it in context, yes I agree you can get away with it.
Looking forward to hearing more of your stuff.
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Good introduction to the forum - nice song :)
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Really pretty song. Loved your harmonies and your voice. It was very soothing.
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Yo dasntn...that's some dyslexic handle! :D
Welcome to the forum.
I love the light,airy folk feel to this and I'm also a fan of music that conflicts with the lyrical content.
The bridge part especially reminded me of Paul McCartney,no shame there!
I've been checking out your Spotify songs,good stuff on there. :)
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Ramshackles has done a brilliant remix of the track for me - it's up on Soundcloud
https://soundcloud.com/dasntn/what-is-right-remix-by-ramshackles
Have a listen!
Dave
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Thanks @skub - any comparison to Paul McCartney is most welcome!
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Lovely verses...really get you right there!
Agree with Ramshackles that the next parts are not quite as satisfying...think it's the way it goes down, no not so much that as that it doesn't vary at all melodically until the end of the last line...maybe both these things taken together. Maybe it's just that the first parts are so appealing!
The bridge has much more bounce to it!
The weave of the guitar and mandlola thing very nice.
Outro very good with those harmonies...takes the song out in style!
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Really moving and heartfelt ballad. Reminded me of Never Going Back Again by Fleetwood Mac but more melancholic. I really enjoyed the vocal and the directness of the lyrics, as well as the lovely mandola and guitar work. Interesting and unexpected melodic turn in the middle eight. Nicely done x
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Really pleased that this song was picked up by BBC Introducing (after I uploaded it!) and it was played on BBC Devon and Cornwall on Saturday night this weekend. Feeling chuffed!!
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Congratulations @dasntn (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21309) - well deserved.