[onemanband]

Since I saw we were putting up soppy lyrics (Benjo) I thought I would throw my hat into the lot. This song spawned from my two greatest bug bears in songwriting, one is the use of modern technology - it always sounds wrong when used in a song to my ear - and the other is English songwriters, writing about American places. So i tried to over come both of these in one song.

Some of these verses need to be cut, so i would really like to know which ones people think are the weakest.

I have placed certain lines in itallics because these lines have a quicker rhythm then the lines that preceed them, just to try and give an idea of the melody to the reader. My lyrics never seem to translate well off the page.

Thanks for reading

1000 miles away

You..... are so beautiful
I guess thats undeniable
When I look at your pretty face
Never knew that I could feel this way in cyber space

We talk almost ever night
Until the early morning light
and when we part
Logging off it feels almost like a broken heart

I think about you all the time
about your perfect pearl white smile
During the day
Well I will send you emails just to say

That never before have I seen
Beauty that is so serene
As your dark eyes

But we met online
I guess its safe to say that we have a connection
and over time
my affection grew
For a Michigangirl
With out a single flaw in my observation
From a thousand miles away
We stare into each others eyes

Love...... can conquer all
It can tear down any wall
And leave no trace
An ocean may be vast but its only space

If I had the chance
So i could change our circumstance
And hold you tight
Well I would do it quicker then the speed of light

Cause to me you're a perfect score
And I could write a million more
Love songs for you
If that is what you want, thats what I will do

I hope this isn't meant to be
A modern Shakesperean tragedy
Thats doomed to fail....

Because we met online
I guess its safe to say that we have a connection
and over time
my affection grew
For a Michigangirl
With out a single flaw in my observation
From a thousand miles away
We stare into each others eyes

[hardtwistmusic]

This is not a nit... just a gut reaction to one line. 

YOU WROTE:  "Logging off it feels almost like a broken heart"

Seemingly insignificant, but I almost instantly wanted to hear "Logging off almost feels like a broken heart." 

[Paulski]

I liked this - lots of potential to be almost a modern version of "Ground control to Major Tom" in an online world. My only suggestion would be to use more online imagery, like avatars, floating cursors, and make MichiganGirl one word so it is more obviously a login name. I would look at each verse and decide which ones don't support that online imagery and drop those..
Nice one!
Paul

[Jess]

I see lots of potential, but not much execution. So, I'm going to do something I don't so very often: a full lyric analysis *cue tense music*

Okay so verse one, the first two lines are so sweet, and lovey and set the romance scene, but then the word 'pretty' I don't think it fits. You've gone from like BEAUTIFUL, UNDENIABLE to pretty, it just doesn't really hit you. Then the final line, I'd be inclined to get rid of the 'that' just to help the flow.

Verse two, has a slightly cliché opener, but it works I guess. Then I agree with HTM about condensing the last line.

The next 2 verses fit the theme really well, seen and serene is a really original rhyme, it's all very beautiful language.

Then the chorus, I'm the connection line, I get whats you're trying to say, but for me it just sounds too long winded. Then the Michigan girl bit just seemed a bit random, like there's been no reference to America or Michigan in the whole song but then suddenly that's her name, I guess I didn't see the relevance. The last three lines are really sweet though. I think a thousand miles really works as the title. But,the chorus isn't that hooky, there'd need to be a melodic hook to make it memorable.

I love how the next verses involve more imagery, it would be nice to entwine that into the verses above. I think the last line could be condensed too: I'd do it quicker than the speed of light.
I love the Shakespeare reference too, although doomed sounds a little odd? Like if you imagine singing it, the ooooo sounds a little overwhelming, knocking the 'gentle love ballad' off the mark.

I don't know if that helped but

[onemanband]

Thanks for the feedback everyone,


Jess,

     Thanks for the full analysis treatment, it really is helpful.
 I can change pretty to flawless face and that has the added benefit of using alliteration. My problem with that though is I use "flaw" in the chorus. If you have any suggestios for two syllable adjectives to put in its place, let me know.

The line in itallics have a almost contrasting rhymthm to the other lines, so I'm going to have to be very careful with removing words or adding words to them. As I am not 100% sure what the formula is to acheiving the rhytmic effect that is there.

I agree that the second verse is cliched, as I have said else where on the forum, these soppy devotional/love songs are so difficult to write and avoid cliche.

The chorus holds quite a few little specific details -and parts of the verses - that really only make sense to me and the person I wrote this for. So I think I might have to rework it so that it isn't so specific.

When writing this out, I thought it was important to have Michigan Girl, to establish a physical distance betwen them, although i guess that is acheived by the "thousand miles away" line, I'll have to give that chorus some more thought.

I'm glad you noticed the change between the first set of verses and the second, I have neglected using any "new world" references at all in the second set, and adopted some "old world" references instead. I think that I might try and weave these into each other, rather then separate them with a chorus. A very good idea, thanks

Finally, "doomed" seems to work quite well for me singing it at the end. But I do appreciate that it ends the song on quite a bum note. Can anyone suggest a softer word then doomed to put in there?

Thanks Jess glad you saw potential in there, and to answer your question

Yes it certaintly did help, lots of food for thought.

Paulski,

Glad you liked it, my initial idea was for every line in itallics, to contain some reference to the modern world or computers, but it got really difficult to think of things to use and then put them into coherent sentences. Some good suuggestions there though from you, I;ll have a muse on it. and your MichiganGirl point is valid as well, I'll change it.

Verlon,

Cheers for reading Verlon, I think that line is fairly interchangable, I'll give both ago and see what sings most comfortably or sounds best to me.

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

[Sing4me88]

Loving that someone has actually tackled the old on-line dating in a song. I think this is good. Certainly everything is here even if it needs a tweak or two to help the scan (or that could just be the way I'm reading it!). Loving the verse

Love...... can conquer all
It can tear down any wall
And leave no trace
An ocean may be vast but its only space

and also the verse

Cause to me you're a perfect score
And I could write a million more
Love songs for you
If that is what you want, thats what I will do

If I'm being bluntly honest the chorus just didn't do it for me. It seemed to be letting down really well crafted verses. The first lines of the chorus had me hyped up and I loved the connection reference etc but it didn't build from there really. I think  this has loads of potential and there's some great lines but I feel the chorus kinda holds it back a bit and that if a stronger chorus were in lace it would really lift this song to the next level.