Hey Gerry,
First off, this is a reciprocal site so if you're looking for some constructive feedback you'll have more luck if you give some first. It's always good to
introduce yourself too; let people know who you are.
Your lyrics are obviously very personal and very strong, which is always a good basis imo.
I've taken the liberty to try and organise these for you, because it's impossible otherwise. Most strikingly there's a lot here, so you'll have to make some decisions on where you want to take these. If you're trying to make something more mainstream I'd suggest cutting it down, though I get the impression you're just trying to capture how you feel in which case a nice epic could work well given the right structure and diversity when putting to music. Depending on whether you're cutting this down, you could pick out a chorus, most of these verses have potential I couldn't suggest one.
Maybe you can work from what I've structured below - and give us some more specific areas for review?
Introduction?
It must have been a victory,
To have seen the happiness drained from me
And pain entering me..
If this is what I meant to you,
Then fuck you I'd go through this pain;
Just to learn from you.
Learn my gains and strengths and weakness
so I'll never be taken for granted again.
Verse 1?
It's my time to shine through the roof
be living proof that you can be hurt and scarred
but stand up and fight for everything in life
this is my last chance to show what I got.
Verse 2?
I'm hanging off a cliff but no way will I drop
I'll pull my self out the gutter and reach the top.
I won't ever stop - I'll climb higher than heaven
through space and every other fucking universe.
And spit out all these verse.
Verse 3?
Pick you and drop you let you feel my pain.
I'm in your scope taking aim and you shot
but I'm bullet proof living proof that
whatever you do can't affect the truth.
Verse 4?
That you were taken away from me
young or not it hurt a lot
it broke my down my heart
Which still feels shot
Bridge?
But as I grow older I don't hate it as much
cause I still love you a lot here in person
or not I can't ever forget The times we shared
and the memories are in graved into my mind like a personal
library...
that can't ever be burnt down to the ground,
and when I have kids they'll learn off the king the king off my life
the guy I spent my life trying to be
I just hope you're looking down and can be proud
Verse 5?
Mum and nan miss you like mad
but I'm being the man
and that wall when they feel down,
pick them up and show happiness can be found.
Verse 6?
Cancers a bitch but it's just a blip
one day we'll be back together happy and forever
so I'll be looking forward to the day I can hug you tight
and never have to leave ya.
Verse 7?
Tears don't fall
it's not what you want
it's time to stay strong
together we'll all stand strong.
Verse 8?
As I write this verse it's starting to hurt
the pains kicking in but it ain't the end of this song
or end off the road I got more to show
and let the how world know
Outro?
know how much I love you
and how much I miss you
and how strong you wanted to be.
I love you uncle B
