[Fabio]

Hey there. Wrote this song last fall. Not too happy with some of the lines, but didn't get to work it over before recording last december. Wondering what you think of it, might use with my new project & change some of the lines. Video's been shot in Vancouver & Vancity's obviously been the inspiration to write it.

There you go:

1.
It's early in the morning
I'm walking down Granville Street
Down to Waterfront station
Me and my bus, it's where we meet

We drive over Burrardbridge
When the Day starts to dawn
I'm calling just to tell you
Don't let the sun go down

Ref.:
Don't let the sun go down
I'm afraid it won't come around
Don't let the sun go down
Although the stars will shine till dawn

2.
I'm getting off at Dunbar Loop
Remember a star will always shine for you
I'm a dreamer but I am okay with it
What else could I do?

Keep on walking home
My stay's on 35th Avenue
I'm calling just to tell you
Don't let the darkness catch you

[ric]

Hi,

This has a really nice feel as a song, sort of rocky ballad. I like the balance towards the beginning but there are two electric guitars loud and trebly playing almost identical rhythmic figures which overpowered everything else for me. I find the guitars too loud relative to everything else in the song

[The visuals were getting interestingish but those dv cliché transitions spoilt it for me - try shooting Super8 and having it telecined? You can't beat real film, even if it's transferred to dv ]

The lyrics work fine with the atmosphere of the song - nothing sounded out of place to me.

Hm, one of those guitars could have started following the melody towards the end, maybe floating semi-chords up and down the neck ~ to provide a bit of contrast for the main rhythm guitar?

Got a good feel to it anyway! - i'd like to hear a latest version?

[Fabio]

thanks for your critique ric
didnt listen to the song for some months, and i'm not happy with its recording at all. altough i thought it was the best one back in december. video's not to be taken too serious, just some amateurshots edited with windows movie maker..but thanks for the helpful advice, will consider it if I get to film a real videoclip
latest version might be in the works soon with my new band, I'll keep ya up to date!

[Kafla]

Hey Fabio

This reminds me a lot of the kind of stuffi wrote and recorded when I was just starting out, so that was nice

It has a nice jingly jangly feel and the guitar has the potential to be brilliant but I sounds like everyone is trying to be louder than each other and be the dominant track in the mix

My advice would be to get the drum and bass going , then the vocals , then the guitars should blend in and compliment , my opinion is in a real live band the rythmn action needs to work before you move on - build a song like a house from the foundations up

The lyrics are nice but could be tweaked to remove an cliches

All in alli like this and it has a shitload of potential

Keep going 

[Kafla]

I really need to preview my posts before the iPad auto corrects them

[dinnerwithgreedo]

Yeah.... this needs rerecording. I'll be honest with you and say that i stopped listening a 40 seconds. Too messy for my beautiful ears

Keep at it though!!!

[cheff daniel]

strong melody here. but indeed the production made it hard to listen to. but this sure is a song with potention.

gr. Dan

[Fabio]

thanks for all your responses! might introduce the song to my new band, will need to adjust a few lines. I'll try to avoid another war of loudness

as a  non native speaker sometimes it's hard to identify clichés. am I right these are the most cliché?! :

Although the stars will shine till dawn

Remember a star will always shine for you

or is there any other line?

thanks anyway, will keep u folks posted on any progress with this tune!

Fabio

[ric]

...as a  non native speaker sometimes it's hard to identify clichés. am I right these are the most cliché?! :

Although the stars will shine till dawn

Remember a star will always shine for you

or is there any other line?

a cliché is something which is over-used, but it depends on the context as to whether it actually 'sounds' like a cliché in a song. For me those lines would sound like a cliché but to someone else they may sound ok.

if you want to change those lines you need to work out what they mean. a star is a symbol it has many meanings, here it seems to mean hope or inspiration - what do the lines mean to you?