[CaliaMoko]

I posted about this a loooooong time ago, but got stuck, unable to finish. I pulled it back out from time to time and kept working on it in fits and starts. I think I finally have a really good, "final", 1st draft!

A couple spots feel to me like they still need some work.

1. The last line of Verse 2 feels awkward. I'd like to come up with a better idea for that.

2. The bridge, as a whole, is the biggest problem. Basically, I want to get across that she matured a little and realized the first three guys were too immature for a permanent relationship (illustrated by the fact they frittered their money away) and the undertaker man was a much better choice (because he planned ahead and budgeted carefully). Or something like that. It's negotiable. I have a rhythm in mind, but not really any melody. Right now I'm only concerned with the lyric. The melody and rhythm can come later. I'm stuck. It needs work, but I can't figure out what to do with it.

You can hear a version of the song here: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/the-undertaker-man. Everything I've written, except the bridge, will fit into the melody scheme as is. So suggestions for improvement will also need to fit.

THE UNDERTAKER MAN

V 1
Cinderella Jackson from a town in Minnesota
Had four different fella friends who used to come to court her
One was a barber man, another was a baker
The third a railroad porter and the fourth an undertaker
The barber, he was sharp and keen; the baker had the dough,
The porter was a sport; the undertaker was dead slow.
Each man of the four thought he was better than the rest,
She had to choose the one she loved the best.
Which of them would Cinderella wed?
“I’ll tell you this,” our Cinderella said.

CHORUS
“I don’t mind talkin’ and I don’t mind walkin’ with the baker man, that’s true.
I like to croon a lover’s tune with the railroad porter, too
I cuddle the barber when he comes around and I call him ‘precious lamb’
But there ain’t no way I’d even spend a day with the undertaker man!”

V 2
After Cinderella made her hasty declaration,
The undertaker calmly gazed at her with deep affection
A moment passed, he bowed his head respectfully and told her,
“I understand and wish for you the best life has to offer.”
Then, as he turned to go, he said, “For now we two must part,
But I know in the end I will prevail and win your heart.”
Young Cinderella scoffed at him and said, “Don’t be so blind,
Because, you see, you’ll never change my mind.
Marry you? Not ever in this life
Will I consent to be your wedded wife.”

CHORUS
Because, I don’t mind talkin’ and I don’t mind walkin’ with the baker man, that’s true.
I like to croon a lover’s tune with the railroad porter, too
I cuddle the barber when he comes around and I call him ‘precious lamb’
But there ain’t no way I’d even spend a day with the undertaker man!”

BRIDGE
But it came to pass our reluctant lass
Dad a change of heart, her plans all came apart
Cuz the baker owed, the porter stowed,
And the barber's profits were all swept away
A transformation ensued, the undertaker accrued;
Cinderella's affection flowed in his direction
Matrimonial bliss, sealed with a kiss,
And like he said, the undertaker won the day

CHORUS
And Cinderella said,
“I didn’t mind talkin’ and I didn’t mind walkin’ with the baker man, that’s true
I once would croon a lover's tune with the railroad porter too
I used to cuddle the barber when he came around and I called him precious lamb
But now I must confess I'll never settle for less than the undertaker man.
It’s true, I must confess I'll never settle for less than the undertaker man.”

I hope it's okay to put this lyric here. It isn't actually an original of mine. This song is based on a tune by Chris Smith from 1911 that I found by accident. It's public domain. It's very catchy sounding. It's obscure. I haven't been able to find any recordings of it, and general online searches don't turn up a whole lot on it, so it's not generally familiar.

Why rework an old song? Well, I want to sing it, but I don't like the original words. Too many phrases are awkward and not well thought out. So I want to update it and make it more my own.

I appreciate any help!