The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: bewarethisboy on April 04, 2012, 03:10:47 PM
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I have put together another rough rough rough and would very much welcome your thoughts and comments as always. Many thanks In advance BTB.
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11550862
Ah - and words too:
If I sing?
I’ve been thinking everyday
you make me smile you have your own special way
I know I have no right to say hay
But I love you in every way,
It’s never been far from my mind
That someday you might pack your bags and leave me behind
I often wonder if you know
How I fear that one day you might just go
I find it hard to work it out
what I should say to let you know
I’ve got your feelings in my heart
And I could never bear for us to be apart
I know to keep you I must do the best I can
And so I’ve come up with this my only little plan -..
If I sing your name perhaps you’ll stay for another day
If I make a song for you will you sit and listen to me while I play hey
If I sing your name maybe you’ll stay another day
When I sing your song will you stay for another day?
Now you’ve listened to me ramble on
You said - I might just like to keep you hanging on
It feels so easy when I am sitting here
I don’t want to lose you – that’s always been my fear
So I need to make a tune that you would love to hear hey
If I sing your name perhaps you’ll stay for another day
If I make a song for you will you sit and listen to me while I play hey
If I sing your name maybe you’ll stay another day
When I sing your song will you stay another day?
Hey hey
If I sing a song for you will you stay another day?
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very nice, a little too long perhaps but i think you have the verses and chorus right. great voyce you have btw. with some work i think this have potention, try to make it shorter and hold back on the hey, hey's a bit.
gr. Dan
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hi btb,
loads of passion in there and you really mean it,
i can imagine drums and bass kicking in as punchy as your vocal..
think cheffs right about the length and i found the little gtr breaks were a bit distracting, uncertain, maybe unnecessary,
but fine work btb,
nooms
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i realy like your no frills voice it has a real charm
& i thought the lyric was quite touching & sinceere
i do like the song &think it has a lot of potential.. but the chords are well used & the crucial part will be giving it a arrangement that lifts it out of the same i ness of those familiar chords
do you know what i mean? as a acoustic demo it labours after a while... give it a full arrangement & it will work well :)
(http://www.pic4ever.com/images/za4.gif)
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I like the guitar but...in my opinion it doesn't REALLY go with the voice...not sure why, maybe its just me, but good song nonetheless
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something strange here as it seems all panned to the left....
I think it's well structured. The chorus melody I think is a bit bland..maybe because the rhythm of the words doesnt really change much from the verse to the chorus?
The little solo is really nice
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I like your voice in this. It might be a bit too long and maybe needs a different break in it to keep interest. Though the performance is really good. Maybe the guitar solo bits could lead into a refrain of sorts with different chording?
Enjoyed listening to this.
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Nice song but I agree with the poster who said that it could do with the arrangement being beefed up a little bit..
Maybe too many Heys and words rhyming with it.
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Honest from the heart lyrics , played and sung honesty from the heart :D
That second guitar is excellent my friend but it's buried a little deep
I thnk you could trim this arrangement down section wise and lyric wise to have a really excellent song - I think the first pause you have after when i sing your song....would work really well
But massive thumbs up from me :)
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very nice, a little too long perhaps but i think you have the verses and chorus right. great voyce you have btw. with some work i think this have potention, try to make it shorter and hold back on the hey, hey's a bit.
gr. Dan
yes need it needs to be 3.30 3.45 I think - and I wondered about the hey heys so thank you for that - they are going to be reduced. Thank you for listening and commenting appreciated very much.
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hi btb,
loads of passion in there and you really mean it,
i can imagine drums and bass kicking in as punchy as your vocal..
think cheffs right about the length and i found the little gtr breaks were a bit distracting, uncertain, maybe unnecessary,
but fine work btb,
nooms
Thank you for taking the time to listen and comment nooms - yes I thought the drums and bass coming in from the start - give it a folky rocky feel perhaps?? That kind of thing maybe??
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i realy like your no frills voice it has a real charm
& i thought the lyric was quite touching & sinceere
i do like the song &think it has a lot of potential.. but the chords are well used & the crucial part will be giving it a arrangement that lifts it out of the same i ness of those familiar chords
do you know what i mean? as a acoustic demo it labours after a while... give it a full arrangement & it will work well :)
(http://www.pic4ever.com/images/za4.gif)
yes I do know what you mean - prhaps I need to work in a short bridge to break it up in there?? Thanks for your comments and for taking the time to give it a listen.
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I like the guitar but...in my opinion it doesn't REALLY go with the voice...not sure why, maybe its just me, but good song nonetheless
I wondered about that I must admit - I think you are spot on and that the little guitar fill should be on an acoustic... I will give that a go - or better still a piano - now there's a thought. Thank you for your comments.
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something strange here as it seems all panned to the left....
I think it's well structured. The chorus melody I think is a bit bland..maybe because the rhythm of the words doesnt really change much from the verse to the chorus?
The little solo is really nice
Ramshakles - good spot - I am afraid that is because technically i am aspiring to the level incompetent. I recorded this in bits, when I could on a little Tascam thingy and then recorded it onto a studio programme - just to drop a little bit of reverb into it - didn't check my panning :-/ Good point about the rhythm - confirms the need for a bridge I think.
Thank you for listening taking the time to comment.
BTB
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Nice song but I agree with the poster who said that it could do with the arrangement being beefed up a little bit..
Maybe too many Heys and words rhyming with it.
yes agree hopefully will work as a full band arrangement - time will tell. Thank you for listening and commenting. BTB
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Honest from the heart lyrics , played and sung honesty from the heart :D
That second guitar is excellent my friend but it's buried a little deep
I thnk you could trim this arrangement down section wise and lyric wise to have a really excellent song - I think the first pause you have after when i sing your song....would work really well
But massive thumbs up from me :)
Thanks Kafla I really appreciate that - and agree with your comments too. Not sure what to do with the breaks really but will give that some thought - thanks Again. BTB
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hi btb,
loads of passion in there and you really mean it,
i can imagine drums and bass kicking in as punchy as your vocal..
think cheffs right about the length and i found the little gtr breaks were a bit distracting, uncertain, maybe unnecessary,
but fine work btb,
nooms
Thank you for taking the time to listen and comment nooms - yes I thought the drums and bass coming in from the start - give it a folky rocky feel perhaps?? That kind of thing maybe??
if it were upta me id bring the 'imaginary band' in at the start of the second verse or in the pause after the first chorus, ..nothing flashy just crazy horse style, help the track to build..
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Love the strumming rhythm on the acoustic. Feels funky, almost.
When you flesh it out with drums and bass I'd try and preserve that groove. Gave the song a great feel
Peter
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something strange here as it seems all panned to the left....
I think it's well structured. The chorus melody I think is a bit bland..maybe because the rhythm of the words doesnt really change much from the verse to the chorus?
The little solo is really nice
Ramshakles - good spot - I am afraid that is because technically i am aspiring to the level incompetent. I recorded this in bits, when I could on a little Tascam thingy and then recorded it onto a studio programme - just to drop a little bit of reverb into it - didn't check my panning :-/ Good point about the rhythm - confirms the need for a bridge I think.
Thank you for listening taking the time to comment.
BTB
The most common reason for that I find is that you have set up a stereo track to record to and then you only record 1 input (so just 1 channel)....always use mono tracks when you are using 1 mic :P
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very nice, a little too long perhaps but i think you have the verses and chorus right. great voyce you have btw. with some work i think this have potention, try to make it shorter and hold back on the hey, hey's a bit.
gr. Dan
Pretty much exactly what I was going to say.
It's a really nice song, and your voice is good - a bit Paul Weller'y to me.
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Hiya :)
I enjoyed this. Good lyrics and loved the way you delivered them. Someone mentioned Paul Weller... mixed with Billy Bragg, I hear haha.
That's a compliment btw. I think your vocals are really good. You have a voice I like listening to. The out of tune guitar made me wince but
I stuck with it because I liked the song.
It could do with being a bit shorter and I'm with nooms on the band thing. There was a bit too much chorus ( or whatever you used) on the guitar and
I really do think this would sound better on an accoustic.
To me it sounded like only the reverb was in my right ear, but I read that you already sorted that. Or know about it at least :)
Very nice song. I love the sincerity and delivery ;D
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Good song, BTB, i hope you have options to add some extra instruments, piano chords on the chorus at a certain point could help to keep the emotion going
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Thanks for sharing BTB.
Your vocals and guitar seem to be getting stronger, so ace work. Much more emotion and dynamics compared to your first couple of songs posted on here.
Bump to the ideas of cutting down length and that this song needs more than just guitar/vocal. Perhas it is time to invest in some percussion to add to your mixes? Or even just some more full layering of guitars with different patterns to keep the ear hooked.
As I say, nice emotion in the lyric, and promising stuff. Keep it coming
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hi btb,
loads of passion in there and you really mean it,
i can imagine drums and bass kicking in as punchy as your vocal..
think cheffs right about the length and i found the little gtr breaks were a bit distracting, uncertain, maybe unnecessary,
but fine work btb,
nooms
Thank you for taking the time to listen and comment nooms - yes I thought the drums and bass coming in from the start - give it a folky rocky feel perhaps?? That kind of thing maybe??
if it were upta me id bring the 'imaginary band' in at the start of the second verse or in the pause after the first chorus, ..nothing flashy just crazy horse style, help the track to build..
;D thanks nooms. I might just try that.
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Love the strumming rhythm on the acoustic. Feels funky, almost.
When you flesh it out with drums and bass I'd try and preserve that groove. Gave the song a great feel
Peter
thank you Peter I will do that and thanks for taking the time to listen and comment.
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something strange here as it seems all panned to the left....
I think it's well structured. The chorus melody I think is a bit bland..maybe because the rhythm of the words doesnt really change much from the verse to the chorus?
The little solo is really nice
Ramshakles - good spot - I am afraid that is because technically i am aspiring to the level incompetent. I recorded this in bits, when I could on a little Tascam thingy and then recorded it onto a studio programme - just to drop a little bit of reverb into it - didn't check my panning :-/ Good point about the rhythm - confirms the need for a bridge I think.
Thank you for listening taking the time to comment.
BTB
The most common reason for that I find is that you have set up a stereo track to record to and then you only record 1 input (so just 1 channel)....always use mono tracks when you are using 1 mic :P
yes I think it was something as simpleas that. I will try to more careful in the future thanks again. BTB
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very nice, a little too long perhaps but i think you have the verses and chorus right. great voyce you have btw. with some work i think this have potention, try to make it shorter and hold back on the hey, hey's a bit.
gr. Dan
Pretty much exactly what I was going to say.
It's a really nice song, and your voice is good - a bit Paul Weller'y to me.
that is very kind of you thank you BTB
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Hiya :)
I enjoyed this. Good lyrics and loved the way you delivered them. Someone mentioned Paul Weller... mixed with Billy Bragg, I hear haha.
That's a compliment btw. I think your vocals are really good. You have a voice I like listening to. The out of tune guitar made me wince but
I stuck with it because I liked the song.
It could do with being a bit shorter and I'm with nooms on the band thing. There was a bit too much chorus ( or whatever you used) on the guitar and
I really do think this would sound better on an accoustic.
To me it sounded like only the reverb was in my right ear, but I read that you already sorted that. Or know about it at least :)
Very nice song. I love the sincerity and delivery ;D
THanks to you too. I fear the guitar was in tune but I wasn't I am afraid.Thanks for your kind and encouraging comments BTB
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Good song, BTB, i hope you have options to add some extra instruments, piano chords on the chorus at a certain point could help to keep the emotion going
thank you DB - yes I do i am very happy to say. Thanks you for listening and taking the time to comment. BTB
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Thanks for sharing BTB.
Your vocals and guitar seem to be getting stronger, so ace work. Much more emotion and dynamics compared to your first couple of songs posted on here.
Bump to the ideas of cutting down length and that this song needs more than just guitar/vocal. Perhas it is time to invest in some percussion to add to your mixes? Or even just some more full layering of guitars with different patterns to keep the ear hooked.
As I say, nice emotion in the lyric, and promising stuff. Keep it coming
James I very much appreciate that. Yes you are right of course the songs need more - but I have been anxious to check whether they have potential as songs - I would like to get another three down on tape in the rough form over the next two or three months and then I would like to record them properly – involving some friends of mine who I have recorded with before.
Thanks again James and everyone else that took the time to listen and comment. BTB
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I think your voice has a good sound to it with feeling built right in! I also think you are a good guitar player. I like the electric guitar that appears at 0:53.
I like the melody. The day after I have heard the song, the melody pops up in my mind, something that is a good sign. By the way, then the song is issued with percussion and bass.
I think the intro is good but too short. I would have preferred that it be at least one bar longer.
When you in your singing go from a low note to a high note you seem to have a tendency of singing a bit falsely. Maybe you should use smaller note intervals when you write or use some instrument for playing those high notes when possible.
I like the subject of the lyrics; there must be some interesting dynamics between the two lovers.
I sometimes fail to understand the meanings of the words "hey" and "yeah" when they appear in your singing. If the only purpose of singing those words is to include their notes in the song, maybe it would be better to play those notes on some instrument instead.
I guess the meaning of the line "I know I have no right to say hay" is to show the "I" person's admiration for his girl friend. In my opinion, your idea of his feeling of not having the right to greet his own girl friend is exaggerating his modesty a bit. Perhaps this might distract some listeners.
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Well it's characterful, unique vocal style. I think the reason it drags a tad is because you have a pause after so many phrases in the verses ... I prefer the more urgent flow of the chorus. You could also develop the intro to tempt the listener because if feels a bit improvised and uncertain until it gets moving. It was certainly growing on me :)