[rightly]

Hi.  I consider this expressionistic writing (poetry)
They are lyrics to a song, I was struggling for a while. I'm more comfortable with it now but it's still missing something.  

Can someone help out, maybe add lyrics.  
I know it's a bit vague and incoherent.  
I could explain the source of inspiration if requested  

Comments are welcome.  



Stay Strong, Find a Way to Live


     stay strong
keep the genie in the bottle
    find a way to live
     and before too long

   never could be
   it is not easy
  I have been there
  and it is still with me
    and they keep on coming back for more
 they'll keep on coming back until there is no more
  stay strong, find a way to live
   stay strong, find a way to live
        ________________

    good luck,
with them there newspapers                      
   front to back graffiti,
  coin in the cup

   down-strum
  doesn't  ask for kindness
  nothing above you're
     older than the sun
  and they'll  keep coming back for more
and these multitudes of beating hearts are all yours
  stay strong, find a way to live
   stay strong, try to find a way to give
          _________________

      vampires
   find a way to bleed you
  stripped of all pretense
  somehow they'll love you
  and they'll  keep coming back for more
and these multitudes of beating hearts are all yours
  stay strong, find a way to give
stay strong, find a way to live.  
___________________________





Ah what's it missing.  
The music will have to be bad ass if I'm pull this off. Help me out.  

[Paulski]

Hi rightly

Loved these lines:

and they keep on coming back for more
 they'll keep on coming back until there is no more

great flow throughout. I think this is music ready despite your claims otherwise.
The only spot I can see that needs something is the first two stanzas don't connect.
I was expecting "and before too long" to be finished in the second stanza - but maybe I'm reading it wrong.

Looking 4ward to hearing this in your inimitable style 
Paul

[adamfarr]

I like it - there's a song nearly fully formed...

I would agree with Paulski that 'before too long' (like a sus4 chord!) requires a follow-on (unless you are being really outrageously expressionistic)... So instead of 'never could be' something simple like 'you'll see' (keeping the short first line)?

[CaliaMoko]

What do you think is missing? I mean, where in the song does it feel incomplete to you? Other than what Paulski pointed out, I don't see anything.

From the song, in general, I get a feeling of a life that is constantly battered by misfortunes, or maybe just the vicissitudes of life. Jobs with bosses, school with teachers, kids with parents even, taxes, conspiracies, whatever.

Connecting the first and second verses would be easy, I think. Depending on exactly what you're going for, something like "you'll see it" would be enough.

Your stuff always tends to be on the more interesting side of life. I'll be watching for the musical version.

Vicki

[Mike67]

This is powerful stuff and it reads really well. I agree with the other members on the last line of the opening verse.  Depending upon how you intend it, you could simply change it to something like: "but don't wait too long", i.e. find a way to live, but don't take too long about it because you don't know how long you have before the genie escapes.

If there's anything missing, and that's for you to decide, you'll find out when you set it to music.

Nice work,

Mike

[rightly]

I like it - there's a song nearly fully formed...

I would agree with Paulski that 'before too long' (like a sus4 chord!) requires a follow-on (unless you are being really outrageously expressionistic)... So instead of 'never could be' something simple like 'you'll see' (keeping the short first line)?

i kind of like the 1st verse
I'll go with this sugestion

thanks

edit

people do talk this way

"do it, before too long"
sometimes with a emphasis on "before"

plus new lyrics: STOP THE PRESS:  3rd draft (+ some minor adjustments)

Stay Strong, Find a Way to Live


     stay strong
keep the genie in the bottle
    find a way to live
     and before too long

   we'll see
   it is not easy
  I have been there
  and it is still in me
    and they keep on coming back for more
 they'll keep on coming back until there is no more
        ________________

    good luck,
with them there newspapers                    
   back to front graffiti,
  coin in the cup

   down-strum
  doesn't ask for kindness
  nothing above you're
     older than the sun
  and they'll keep on coming back for more
and these multitudes of heartbreaks are all yours
  stay strong, find a way to live
   stay strong, try to find a way to give
          _________________

      vampires
   find a way to bleed you
  stripped of all pretense
   (y'know) somehow they need you

  they're in there,
     in your system
   despite all efforts
       to resist them
  they' tearin' up the disco-dirty floor
 they'll keep on coming back until there is no more
stay strong, find a way to live
stay strong, try to find a way to give
      __________________

  stay strong, find a way to live
 stay strong, find a way to give
___________________________________

[rightly]

Hey, where are my commentators? LOL
Please come back and look over my new version.

I'm sort of happy with it now

A lot of concentration went into that.
3 whole days, a fast write, for me.
I'm tired right now, can't wait to give the first finishing touches to the music.
I really want this to work on stage.

[CaliaMoko]

You're "sort of" happy? 

I liked it before, except for the disconnect between the first two verses, a situation you have now rectified.

Sort of happy is better than not happy at all.  Perhaps we'll soon be hearing the musical version?

It's quite satisfying, isn't it, to post something that seems a bit off, get loads of valuable input, work out the rough spots with some spit and polish and come back with something better? One of the features I totally love about this forum!

Vicki

[rightly]

You're "sort of" happy? 

I liked it before, except for the disconnect between the first two verses, a situation you have now rectified.

Sort of happy is better than not happy at all.  Perhaps we'll soon be hearing the musical version?

It's quite satisfying, isn't it, to post something that seems a bit off, get loads of valuable input, work out the rough spots with some spit and polish and come back with something better? One of the features I totally love about this forum!

Vicki

hi
I don't often do it this way
This time it the comments were very helpful.

I'm very happy about having discovered this forum for myself. Such talented writers here.
Some of the songs I've heard on here have made me involuntarily say things like Wow.

this song of mine might be a way off completion
I want to get some Augmentd and diminishedchords in there that I don't usually use, I want to play it live so it'll have to be very smoothe before it gets performed

I do have three songs ready for recording though. They shouldn't take long.

Thanks for taking an interest
Rightly

[Vintage54]

  Hey!
    Don't mess around with this too much, it works for me. It's vague at times, but so what, that's what draws me in and makes me think. No suggestions, only praise.

                            Sound
                                Vintage54

[JonDavies]

Really like the flow to this - always a good set of lyrics when you can read them like they're being sung

    "and they keep on coming back for more
 they'll keep on coming back until there is no more"

I like this line - tastefully rhyming the same word

Look forward to hearing it

[PaulAds]

Great stuff, Rightly...

All your stuff is top-drawer to me.

I've been away for a month or so and I wrote a song a couple of weeks ago with a line about a genie in a bottle...it was strange to come back today and see it there...

Anyway, keep up the great work 

[adamfarr]

Wait a sec ... don't genies live in lamps?! 😜 Just messing...