[Safiibox]

Hey guys. This is my first post so I'm still a bit new to things

This song is titled 'I am Yours' as it is dedicated to someone very dear to me. But to also make other think of their own person who has ever made them feel like this. Not in this particular way, but I'm hoping the emotions are conveyed well enough! I want to have a music career, like many of us here I guess, and I wonder if this song provides enough, as I said before, emotional punch without a melody or voice. Just lyrically. When I become more confident in my own voice as well as solidly have the melody written, I'll post it up. Anyway, here you go!

I am yours

Verse 1
Searching in my mind
I found you in the fog
Your presence choked and blinded me
Enveloped me in smog

Drowning in your ardour
I quickly lost my soul
My senses gave themselves away
you devoured them in whole

Pre-Chorus
Poison to my lips
I taste you more and more
Coat me in your chaos
Feed me to discord

Chorus
(I am yours)
I need your gentle kiss
(I am yours)
To be my narcotic
(Forever more)
Your body is my crutch
(I am yours)
The moment that we touch

Verse 2
You are the only shepherd
And I the only sheep
Harvest my love for you
My body’s yours to reap

Inflict your love upon me
Pleasure comes from pain
Masochistic form of joy
My blood is yours to drain

Pre-Chorus
Burn me baby
My heart is yours to torch
Char me with your love
Melt the skin you touch

Chorus

Bridge
This is what I want from you
This is what I crave
Give me all your love baby
Until I see the grave

Chorus

[Safiibox]

What a tool. The Poison to my lips and Burn me baby verses are in fact Pre-Chorus verses. Yeah.

[seriousfun]

A masochists love poem, i like this approach, very refreshing point of view and pretty well written too. A coule of minor things that could be looked at

1. A spelling mistake in line two, i presume you meant choked and not chocked.

2. Drowning in your warmth.  I find warmth is a bit of a 'feel good' type of word and is therefore out of kilter with the massochistic association. Perhaps you could rework the line so that it is more keeping with the tone of the song, this way it will add go the feeling and not soften it.

3. Inflict you love onto me would possible read better as Inflict your live upon me.

Three pretty small points but all I believe could help to enhance the lyric, keep or sweep as you see fit.

Lines that stood out to me?

1 poison to my lips, I taste you more and more.

2. Burn me baby, my skin is yours to torch.

Very nice first posting, had me interested in it from the start.

Allan.

[Safiibox]

Thank you very much for your comments! I'm such a goof. Should've double checked my English! Well I've taken into account what you said and I agree. I've changed warmth to ardour, it's like warmth, but encompasses more intense emotions, which fits better with the emotion. Upon me is perfect- just equates to better grammar, and grammar is always necessary!

Lines that stood out to me?

1 poison to my lips, I taste you more and more.

2. Burn me baby, my skin is yours to torch.

Thank you very much! I wanted to express ust how much I was willing to do for the person this song is dedicated to. I didn't realise, but I was meant to use heart instead of skin. 'My heart is yours to torch.' Either way, I think the emotion gets portrayed well enough.

All in all, it's my first song.. so I wasn't expecting much. However, I want this work to apply not just to me. I want others to feel the same emotions, and link back to that one person who did make you feel this way. If that makes sense.

[Chris Erhardt]

Very nice write. Has a good flow and seems to work very well. Are you sure this is your first song written? One thing: Maybe write a little more for the chorus. I can hear the "I'm Yours" as a very thick choir but then the lead vocal should come in and sing on top of it.
Just a thought. Which genre are you looking to give this song?

[Safiibox]

Very nice write. Has a good flow and seems to work very well. Are you sure this is your first song written? One thing: Maybe write a little more for the chorus. I can hear the "I'm Yours" as a very thick choir but then the lead vocal should come in and sing on top of it.
Just a thought. Which genre are you looking to give this song?

Thank you very much Chris! It actually is. It came out like vomit really. I just started writing and writing and out came this thing. I agree with you about the chorus. I'll look into it. I want to make it hard hitting, excrutiating and intense, with romance entwined, of course.

As for the genre... I have no idea.. I just want to make it into a physical thing first. Get the melody, flow, etc, down solidly and then see what the genre is after that I guess.

Again, thank you for the comment. Much appreciated.

[Vintage54]

           Hello There!
              First post, good post. If this is the launching pad, your'e gonna punch some big holes in the sky. Verse 2 in particular caught my attention. Don't know which way you swing, and it really doesn't matter. But if this song is addressed to a female, i would go

                 You are the only shepherdess
                 And i the only sheep
                 Yours is the the only harvest
                 My soul would want to reap

     Hey! but good luck young man, "Catch your dreams before they slip away"

                                  Vintage54

[Safiibox]

           Hello There!
              First post, good post. If this is the launching pad, your'e gonna punch some big holes in the sky. Verse 2 in particular caught my attention. Don't know which way you swing, and it really doesn't matter. But if this song is addressed to a female, i would go

                 You are the only shepherdess
                 And i the only sheep
                 Yours is the the only harvest
                 My soul would want to reap

     Hey! but good luck young man, "Catch your dreams before they slip away"

                                  Vintage54

Thank you very very much for your insight! I'm a bit sexually ambiguous. It depends on the day really, but this song is about a male. Perhaps it could be a subtle hint to the listener haha!

I adore that structure. Far more poetic. But It's more about him doing those things to me. I wanted complete passivity in this situation. I have completely given myself to the subject and whatever they do is welcome. I am theirs after all.

Thank you very much again. I intend to snatch up every opportuniy I get, especially if it gets me to spreading who I am to the world.

[Vintage54]

        Hey!
           I should have known when you mentioned shepherd. Put that pointed hat on my head, and stand me in the corner. But seriously, i could not have come up with something so promising at your age, so go for it man, force em to listen.

                         Vintage54

[Safiibox]

Thank you so so much for the words of encouragement Vintage. I'll try my best.

[Safiibox]

A new chorus has been added. I'm not sure if this makes it better, or whatever, but feel free to have a look at the chorus if you want. I did want to have more for the chorus, but was unsure what to include. Perhaps this will do. I'll just supply the chorus this time.

(I am yours)
I need your gentle lips
(I am yours)
To be my narcotic
(Forever more)
Your body is my crutch
(I am yours)
The moment that we touch

The brackets could be back-up vocals. Well.. are back-up vocals. The chorus is... okay, perhaps? The first two lines are okay to me. The last two however... maybe.. if they get good enough feedback.

[richardvocal]

Those changes to the chorus really do the trick. It might not be finished, but you'll probably make changes when you or whoever records it.

You have set a high standard for yourself, kiddo. Maintain it   

Looking forward to seeing more of your work (and to hearing a recording of this track)

[Safiibox]

Those changes to the chorus really do the trick. It might not be finished, but you'll probably make changes when you or whoever records it.

You have set a high standard for yourself, kiddo. Maintain it   

Looking forward to seeing more of your work (and to hearing a recording of this track)

Hi Richard! Thank you very much for the feedback! I think once I get a proper melody set in my head and am able to put my ideas onto paper I intend to sing it. Nothing better than singing your own song (not that I've done it before).

I in fact have another song posted up called 'Cloud Nine'. The title needs a bit of work thanks to the suggestion of Paulski, but it would be great for you to see that song too. If you want, of course. 

Thanks again Richard. Much appreciated.

[Safiibox]

Could I just ask- when reading this, what kind of flow do you think this song has? In your own head, do you feel that it is fast, slow? I'm finding it very difficult to think of a melody, and would greatly appreciate some help on this song. I keep on getting a slow 'Let it Go' feel from it, and that is a big problem. It's a masochistic love song, so I'm not sure what fits into that 'genre' (if that is a genre)

Just some guidance on what you think would work with the song. I have the emotions, it's my own work after all, but I just a need a general feel for what you as the reader and potential listener would feel from such a song.

Sorry, and thank you.