The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Yodasdad on August 22, 2013, 05:31:38 PM
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Hi All,
Here's a new one for you to have a listen to, if you would.
https://soundcloud.com/my-idiom/perhaps-you-were-the-diamond
I've taken a break from the song I was working on and returned to this one which was on the back burner.
Any feedback at all greatfully considered.
Perhaps You Were The Diamond
© M Blair 2013
V
Now that you've gone away
The nights seem longer than they did before
I've tears rolling down my face
but you're not hear to dry them anymore
Chorus
The stars used to shine so bright
A thousand million droplets would illuminate my sky
But now they don't seem to shine
Perhaps you were the diamond that reflected all their light
V2
The times that we stayed up late
And talked for hours just gazing at the fire
The flames still keep me warm sometimes
But without you here I'm starting to grow tired
Mid 8+
You and I couldn't beat the night
But In my dreams were still burning bright
My memories remain of summer days
Lost in our youth and holding hands
I Wish we could go back there now
Thanks
Yodasdad
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Hello Yodasdad
I liked to listen to the song. Well done nice words and nice melody.What I would do is don´t stretch that many words to give more place for your wonderful piano playing.The other instruments could be more courageous for me.
Thanks Alexander
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Hello Yodasdad ..
Very nice song .. nice lyrics .. it sounded to me it fits a female voice very nicely .. I think the song need remixing the rest of the instruments is not clear in the song ..
well done ..
Cheers
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Very moving lyrics amazing piano & mood some nice chord changes in here...:) so much talent on
this forum wow! Stylus :)
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Hi Yoda,
First up. This would be a good write for Robbie. Nice ballad.
Piano work is just right - not in your face; Lets the vocal come through. I like the subtle effect on the vocal (if it is an effect). Sounds smooth and rich. I would have liked the guitar to step forward a little towards the end, just for a change of emphasis.
Nice tune.
Digger
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hey,
lovely job really enjoyed this
stuck in my head well done, tony...
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Hi Yodasdad...this is very lovely...the piano is perfect in this and I really liked your vocals...sweet lyrics...I loved the harmonies...I think the chorus is lovely, but it sounds a lot like the verses especially at the beginning of the 1st and 2nd lines...but it works :) :) thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed listening to this :) :) CS
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the piano is so beautiful!!!! i think someone before said that you don't need to hold the long notes quite so long in the vocal part and i would agree with that. i think some of the "i" syllables are a bit too "a" if that makes sense?? lovely vocal melody though and lovely sentiments too!
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Thanks for the comments people.
With regards to the mix Saeed, can you give give anymore info as to what in particular you would change.
I find myself limited in this respect. As all of my instruments are synthesised, some of them really don't sound very authentic so I find myself having to burry them a little bit in the mix so that they work. Bit of a dilemma really.
Fischermans, the above is also the reason that some of my parts are not very adventurous. I generally tend to shy away from guitar completely all as up until now I've not managed to make anything even remotely real.
Any further thoughts regarding the song or the mix, I'm glad to hear them.
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Big WOW for the piano, beautiful!
I'm a fan of the subtle instrumentation in the beginning, puts the vocals in the spotlight nicely, just where they belong. I like how you slowly bring in the other instruments, ever building up the musical landscape.
Great vocals, loving the harmonies.
One small detail I noticed: the timing of the percussion seems to be ever so slightly off when it first sets in.
Apart from that no criticism, I really liked the song!
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This is very nicely done. I particularly liked the way you built the song with a little more instrumentation coming in progressively as it went.
Most of the points I would have made have already been brought up like not holding as many notes and a little more variation in the starting lines of the chorus to separate it from the verse. Maybe even just a change in timing would do there, perhaps if you didn't hold the notes during the chorus? try it.
As for the mix, a little reduction in the verb on the vocal might be an idea as you sound pretty good but a little too ethereal for the song.
Very nice chord changes, super piano and I loved the lyric.
Kudos on a good write
Allan,.
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Thanks for the comments people.
With regards to the mix Saeed, can you give give anymore info as to what in particular you would change.
I find myself limited in this respect. As all of my instruments are synthesised, some of them really don't sound very authentic [size=16pt]so I find myself having to burry them a little bit in the mix so that they work[/size]. Bit of a dilemma really.
Fischermans, the above is also the reason that some of my parts are not very adventurous. I generally tend to shy away from guitar completely all as up until now I've not managed to make anything even remotely real.
Any further thoughts regarding the song or the mix, I'm glad to hear them.
I used to do this frequently when I first started recording. Then Greg Kane from Hue & Cry got a hold of one of my songs and these were his very words. "If you have to start hiding things in the mix then it doesn't belong there in the first place". If you find yourself burying instruments, just remove them and either re-do them or delete them altogether.
I haven't been able to listen to the song yet as my bandwidth is rubbish for some reason tonight, but I will when it's better.
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Hey Yodasdad
I think the way you build up the song is fantastic. I'm a big fan of songs like that. Especially like the bent notes on the guitar at the end
Agree with Saeed about the mix. The build up is a real strength of the song, so hiding things in the mix is detrimental. Unfortunately I can't offer any advise on this though :-X hahaha! But it's clear you've thought of the song as a whole and done a good job putting it together with the build up and everything
Great stuff mate!
Peter
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This has everything really really nice the only thing that can make it Brilliant is just turn up the volume on your vocals, really really lovely song 8)
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This song is amazing! :) The piano fits the lyrics and melody perfectly and the vocals are good too. :D But just like Saaed AlSuri said, this song would sound even better with a female voice.
You did a great job, really! :)
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simple arrangement that works really well - I know others will disagree but I find the piano a much sadder , maudlin instrument than guitar
Some lines are a little 'cheesy' - I dont meant this in a bad way but sometimes a few little gems / metaphors scattered in amongst the norm are all it takes to life a song from good to great
This is really well written and conveys your feelings really well
Well done mate ;D
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Good piano and chords, I liked it when acoustic comes in.
Builds nicely, liked the harmonies and the electric guitars towards the end.
Lyrics sound cool too.
:) :)
Neil
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Hello Yodasdad,
The beginning works so well, a gentle piano introduction followed by a beautiful first verse of piano/ vocal. It's a well considered arrangement and the gradual build continues with the addition of guitar to excellent though subtle effect. I notice the hihats come in at approximately 1:29. I'd consider bringing the drums in at this point to greater effect (make them a little more full) or perhaps add extra instrumentation to increase the natural flow of the song to hold the listeners interest which you have so far captured well. This is a very good production, quite understated at times and I feel that there is scope to take the many attractive instrumental parts and make them more prominent n the mix. The vocal is nice a clear. However, I can't help notice the elongated notes that frequently occur at the beginning of each new section. Might I suggest that you perhaps vary this a little so that when you introduce the longer notes, they have a greater greater impact. I love the guitar riff at around 3:15 and can't stress how much impact this has for the production. I also note what I think is a subtle organ (I could be mistake as I'm listening through tiny earbud headphones).
The stand out lyric can be heard in the finla two liines as the Horus reaches it's conclusion "
The stars used to shine so bright
A thousand million droplets would illuminate my sky
But now they don't seem to shine
Perhaps you were the diamond that reflected all their light."
I listened several times to enable a fairly comprehensive critique. With that in mind, I was able to gain a greater appreciation of this song and clearly understand the beauty of this composition.
A beautiful composition about love lost. It's a heartfelt song and that comes across so clearly!
Well done!
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The lyrics are lovely. :)
The piano, somehow, just doesn't sit right with me when listening. The piano playing feels too strong, it seems to take over the vocal rather than accompany it. The repetitive playing could be avoided by making room for something else, (moving in shortly after the intro or at 1:29 in audio), such as strings or string-plucking. That's just my thought and may seem a no no to the writer, and after all, it is your creation! I'd keep the male voice, but agree with not holding down notes.
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Just wanted to say thanks again to those of you who are taking the time to listen and leave considered comments.
They are hugely valuable and appreciated
They will all go into my songwriting melting pot and will no doubt inform future compositions.
*DISCLAIMER*
Whilst your comments are valuable, If questioned about this forum after recieving my Ivor Novello award, I shall deny all knowledge of it and claim all ideas as my own. ;D
Yodasdad
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Very nice piano playing, builds well,vocals good too. Some nice chords changes too,I liked it!
Cheers
Jamie