[seriousfun]

Sorry I havnt been participating much over the last few weeks but I was away on holiday. Back now, so looking to catch up with everyone and what you have all been writing. This is my latest effort and Its a bit of a tear jerker so hang to your hanky as you read.

Somebody’s Mother

VERSE 1
Snowflakes caress her cold pale skin
Wind penetrates deep within
Winter sun offers no warmth
As she huddles down with her back to the north
With her back to the north
With her back to the north

CHORUS
She’s somebody’s sister
She’s somebody’s daughter
She’s somebody’s mother, somebody’s mother
She’s somebody’s sister
She’s somebody’s daughter
She’s somebody’s mother, somebody’s mother

VERSE 2
Her chipped cup lies empty at her side
While passing strangers turn their heads to hide
Oh what would she give to hear the sound
Of a coin to rattle her cup on the ground
Her cup on the ground
Her cup on the ground

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3
A mound of fresh earth marks the site
No flowers, no headstone, no final rites,
No lasting impression left on Earth,
 just a few kind coins, could have proved their worth
could have proved their worth
could have proved their worth

REPEAT CHORUS

[Stylus]

Wow!
           I'm touched by the sentiments &  feelings this song emotes. Great lines....somebodies sister,daughter etc...Sooo  true! Very sad as the song ends almost tragic..
                                       Wonderful..........Welcome back        Stylus

[PeeJay]

Hi,

Yes, this was a touching piece.

I originally thought she was old but the mention of her being a sister and daughter made me think she was younger. Also suggests she hss a family somewhere who may have helped.

I don't think 'caress' is the right word for what the cold snow was doing to her face. It needs something harsher IMHO.

Phil.

[benjo]

hi allan,

some lovely lines here, and a good feeling in picture form
she must have done something really bad to be where she is
having all that family, but no one will help her, giving me the feeling she's not wanted
I agree with peejay with the word caresses her face, I imagined it would kind of burn her face
like a rash type of thing, usually people on the streets have red faces or chapped faces

and her chipped cup gave me the picture of a normal tea cup, using the word chipped
I think the word tin cup or something like that may fit better allan but only my opinion

i'd like to hear this put to music I know what your capable of  so get going on it mate
it's a lovely story, and gives a clear picture well done tony...

[seriousfun]

@Stylus - Thank you for the kind words on this one. Coming from someone as talented as you it has made my day.

@ PeeJay - You are oh so right. I will think this over for the next week while I live with the song. Then I will deffinately make a change. Good songs are not written, they are re written and this forum is great for finding things that have been overlooked.

@ Benjo thanks for the comments mate. Tin, chipped cup, my feeling is it could go either way. If it was me, being an ex retailer, I wouldn't take any chances and I would be set up for credit cards and eft-pos from the get go. I wrote these lyrics this morning and already have the song recorded with a scratch vocal track. Its my standard practice. I then listen to it for a week before laying down the proper vocal. This way I get to see the foibles more clearly and since its only a scratch track I am not reticent in changing it.

Thanks for the comments guys, they are already helping me.

[Jess]

At first I was really confused because I thought 'she' was dead, and then I read it again and I realised she was alive at first it's a very sad song, I can imagine some sad piano/finger picking melody, knowing you you'll think of something great. My only question would be, what is so symbolic about the north? In the first verse it seems to be a key idea, I just wondered what you meant by that

[seriousfun]

Thanks for the read Jess, you are spot on with the delicate sad piano and finger picking its exactly how I recorded it. Should have it up to listen to in about a week, just not happy with my vocal yet.

As for the North, in the northern hemisphere where I envisaged this taking place, the cold winds always come from the North. It really had to be the Northern hemisphere as there is not a lot of snow in the Southern hemisphere, there is just not a lot of land in the right latitudes. Shelter from the north is vital if you are sleeping rough and all she can do is turn her back to the prevailing weather just as farm animals will do when in an exposed field.

Thanks for the comments, I hope you got some enjoyment from it even though it is a very sad song.

Allan.

[jameba]

really like the meaning to the song, also really like the reference to the cup, really good lines
well done enjoyed it
James

[BooBoo]

Wow a really touching piece here. Such a sad thing to write about. Once you get past the sadness of it you realise how well written it is. Beautiful lines in this. The chorus is really touching. It makes you think how everybody is at least somebody's daughter/son and it will affect the parents at least if something happens. Great song!

[Thomas Frederick]

This is brilliant! I have nothing to add other than to agree with everything that has already been said!

A touching and exceptionally versed piece.

[seriousfun]

@ peejay and Benjo,

With regards to the line about the snowflake caressing her skin I tried a few alternatives which lyrically were a little better than çaress' however when it came to recording the song there is something I cant put my finger on about the word caress but it just sounded so much better so I have stuck with it. I think it might be the softness of the word and the feeling it conjurs up.  Dunno exactly what it is but sometimes the sound is more important than getting the accurate word if its going to sound plain wrong just because of the nature of the word, go figure.

But thanks for your suggestions, they were and are valid its just in this instance I have made a judgement call. Ill be posting the song in a few weeks, I am delighted with the way it has turned out.

Allan.

[KEVIN B]

hi allan,
           yeh a sad song mate, but as i'm probably abt your age , my favourite line is, AND SHE HUDDLES DOWN WITH HER BACK TO THE NORTH,

love that line, so descriptive' i can just imagine an old lady, bent over battling the wind and cold !

i think as jess is only young, she does not know that a cold wind blows from the north,

but she will as she gets older, thats for sure ! haha

nice one allan, as always cleverly written, and very touching.

kev !

[Jess]

i think as jess is only young, she does not know that a cold wind blows from the north,

but she will as she gets older, thats for sure ! haha

[Sing4me88]

Another great write Allan. I think Jess was on to something when she mentioned having a piano finger picking track to this. The lyrics are superb full of great imagery especially in the last verse and I think it adds to the melancholy and hopelessness of it all ie 'no headstone, no flowers'. Pretty simple language but a very potent image of desolation.

Can't wait to hear how you develop this one.

[Neil C]

Allan,
Really good, i like they way you go from specific to universal..
 
Neil