The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Mikey on May 23, 2017, 08:43:38 PM
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Working on a couple of new tracks with Andy, so I thought I would post one of our older tracks to see what everyone thinks, its the first song I did where I came up with the idea and the lyrics, Andy came up with the music which fits the feel much better than my original riff
Stalker
Verse 1:
When we met you said it was fate
We hit it off and we started to date
But you had to see me every day
And started driving all my friends away
You'd call me and text me all of the time
Not a moment that I could call mine
I can't take it anymore
Looking back as you walked out the door
Chorus:
Coz you're a Stalker
Coz you're a Stalker
Now you're gone why can't you leave me alone
A thousand calls on my telephone
Stay away and stop following me
Why can't you just let me be free
You're a stalker
Verse 2:
I had to tell you we were through
Now you watch everything that I do
With my friends or at the bar
Look out my window see you in your car
When I'm out you're everywhere I go
When I'm at home, you always know
Knock on my door and ring my bell
You say you love me but Iíll see you in hell
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please don't be offended but I would suggest the lyrics are a little cliched, this song would benefit from slightly more "poetic" lyrics, the vocals are excellent btw as is the production. Really dark and haunting just be little more imaginitive with the lyrics. I really like this though - nice one
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I agree. I like the lyrics but since the subject is on the darker side of things maybe you can "darken" them up a few ways? But their still great ;)
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Thanks for the comments guys,
We are still progressing our lyrical skills as we are both primarily musicians and myself more engineering and production.
We had a guy called Jason to do the main vocals so we cant take credit for those and I did some backing vocals.
Cheers
Andy
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Great chorus! it sounds like Tony Iommi on guitar there!... but I didnt think the verse riff was so strong
I think you shouldve got this Jason to do all the vocals as the difference was very noticeable..
I thought the lyrics were fine in the song ...I mean, just about all lyrics sound cliched when they are read on their own
I think Id have put another 70 notes in the solo at the end ...a guitar solo is a golden opportunity to show off & you should never miss one ;D
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Great recording - sounds like a real band. A really well developed song, completely with backing vocals. The drums sound ace and the vocal performance is excellent. I think the verse lyrics are straight to the point and they read well. . Not so sure about the title/chorus lyrics but that's just my preference. I think that maybe I would have been a little more inventive with the chorus. Very enjoyable.
Paul
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Thanks for all the positive feed back guys, the track was written a while ago and we are improving as we go ( hopefully ), regarding the lyrics, I always like a song to tell some sort of story, I know its a personal preference over lyrics that don't seem to mean anything at all, but it doesn't really matter as long as they ride well in the song.
Mikey
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Great chorus! it sounds like Tony Iommi on guitar there!... but I didnt think the verse riff was so strong
I think you shouldve got this Jason to do all the vocals as the difference was very noticeable..
I thought the lyrics were fine in the song ...I mean, just about all lyrics sound cliched when they are read on their own
I think Id have put another 70 notes in the solo at the end ...a guitar solo is a golden opportunity to show off & you should never miss one ;D
Hi Tina,
I agree that the lyrics never read well at first look, thats why I always listen to a track before I read through them, and I did try a face melter solo but it didn't feel right in the moody feel of the song. Also, you are right, Jason has a great voice, and he enjoys singing unlike me and Andy, but he's not always suitable depending on the style of the song, so one of us has to bite the bullet and have a go.
BTW loved your last track, roll on the next one!
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Hi Mikey
I do like this. There's a good beat to it and the chorus is fab! I agree that the singing at the second half of the chorus is really good but I like it in contrast the the vocals in the verse (which are also good). The lyrics were fine for me. I like the police bit, fitted in there brilliantly.
A couple of things I'd be tempted to try is
1. Play the verse guitar in overdrive but with palm muting. chunk chunk...(actually listening closer you use a different guitar tone at around 2.45, when the police come in, I prefer this tone for the verse, personally)
2. I think it might help to have the 'Coz your a stalker' going on behind the solo
3. A little extra work on the solo I think is needed. Nothing wrong with it but it didn't stand out to me.
These are just suggestions though. I've heard this track a few times now since writing these comments and I think you're really onto something with this. Good work, Darren
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Good song....with a dark feel
Lots of energy from those guitars.
Like the chorus a Lot.
Sandeep
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Has a start of Nirvana feel to it I thought. I liked it. Deep down and dirty sorta feel. Something about the vocal sound though that didn't quite fit for me, maybe it was a bit too far away ?
Good song anyway :)
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Cheers guys
Thanks for taking a listen and giving constructive comments, We try to take them onboard as it gives a feel of how the track comes across to different people.
Cheers
Andy/Mike
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Hi,
Guys moody piece, I liked the verses. Vocalist does well with the range
My main suggestion is I wanted the chorus to explode into the chorus, maybe with a set of backing vocals to light it up?
Good luck
:)
Neil
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Hi,
Guys moody piece, I liked the verses. Vocalist does well with the range
My main suggestion is I wanted the chorus to explode into the chorus, maybe with a set of backing vocals to light it up?
Good luck
:)
Neil
Thanks Neil, I agree the chorus should be really in your face, we were going for moody depressed verses and angry chorus as a contrast, but it didn't come out as angry as we had hoped, Jason has a great voice but it can be too nice for some songs, maybe a 2nd voice running alongside may have been better, still, glad you like it
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This has a very 90's feel to it to me.
Nice hooky chorus.
I like the overall production but I just felt it needed to be a little bigger somehow, phatter, more....uuuurggh!
Don't ask me how coz i couldn't match this as it is....maybe more guitars and even bigger vocals? when the guitar solo came in I thought that's more like it.
Possibly a change of pace at some point would add a little lift too, maybe double speed on the guitar rhythm?
I sound like I'm being negative, sorry, I like the track and the production's good, I'm just trying to give some constructive thoughts.
Well done both.
Yodasdad
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This has a very 90's feel to it to me.
Nice hooky chorus.
I like the overall production but I just felt it needed to be a little bigger somehow, phatter, more....uuuurggh!
Don't ask me how coz i couldn't match this as it is....maybe more guitars and even bigger vocals? when the guitar solo came in I thought that's more like it.
Possibly a change of pace at some point would add a little lift too, maybe double speed on the guitar rhythm?
I sound like I'm being negative, sorry, I like the track and the production's good, I'm just trying to give some constructive thoughts.
Well done both.
Yodasdad
Thanks YD, don't apologise for making constructive comments, the whole reason for posting the songs here is to get other peoples opinions and feedback with a view to improving the next one. We never take offense as everyone has their personal taste, and as long as the criticism is constructive it can only help with future projects.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to listen and I'm glad you liked it.
Mikey
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Cool song - love the theme and general feel on the song - good performance and production.