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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Andreas on July 05, 2020, 03:38:24 PM
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Hello fellow musicians! I have been working on some new songs that I plan to put in a mixtape, and hopefully they are all ready to be released on the world mental health day. This is the first of them I am finished with, and also the last I started writing. A few minor fixes on the mixing of the vocals, and maybe add some soft melodies to fill the chords, and I have already re-written some lines after I recorded, once I got to hear how it sounded.
All of my most painful songs recently have all had one thing in common, they all come out as raps. I don`t know, I just find it easier to tell the story with rap. This one is about one of my closest friends who lost some of her closest family recently, and we`re in two different countries, also separated by a gigantic ocean and Africa in the middle. It`s about me wanting to be there for her in a time like this, and just be there by her side, and about the pain I feel in her voice every time we talk.
I appreciate any feedback, if there`s something I can do make the song better or some tips for the mixing of the vocals :)
Lyrics
I don’t want you to cry babe
Let me in on your pain
When you`re having bad days
I make them all go away
You used to smile
Made my world stop turning for a while
And now you make me cry
I know you`re sad and I know the reason why
Losing someone that you love so much
I know it hurts, let me be your crutch
I`ll be there to keep you safe with just one touch
I slay down your monsters I love you this much
I know things have been difficult
But you can be the miracle
If you can get past the sorrow that you feel
I know babe that in time you will heal
I don’t wanna say goodbye
I know it hurts when you cry
I don’t wanna say goodbye
I see the sadness in your eyes
I`ll take away all of your pain
If you want me to I`ll be there for you
I`ll hold you close, chase down all your ghosts
If you want me to I`ll be there for you
When you see yourself in the mirror
And you hate who you`d become
Your tears form a river
And you think that you are gonna drown
The make-up stain is raining from your face
I`ll come to the rescue i`ll be your saving grace
I`ll put my arms around you and hold you to my heart
I`ll break every barrier that are keeping us apart
All of the pain you have built up inside
Is it real or just a reflection of your life
Will it pass, will it disappear with time
Or will it last, will it break you down inside
Intoxicated, your thoughts don`t make sense they`re so damn
Complicated, you can`t think you just wanna forget everything
But nothing does matter any more
You can`t go back to the way it was before, they`re gone
I don’t wanna say goodbye
I know it hurts when you cry
I don’t wanna say goodbye
I see the sadness in your eyes
I`ll take away all of your pain
If you want me to I`ll be there for you
I`ll hold you close, chase down all your ghosts
If you want me to I`ll be there for you
The sadness in your tears they tell their own story
I know all your fears I know you don’t want me to worry
But I worry I just want you to be okay
I know you`re hurt I just don`t know what I can say
To make it better, to make your pain go away
To make your tears stop raining down your face
I wonder are you still sober afraid you`re gonna lose
Or are you drowning your pain in the sadness of the booze
Another shot of whiskey going down the drain
An hour passed the bottle`s empty and you make it rain
The pain you feel I know your heart`s been broken and shattered
You`re bleeding on the inside feels like you`ve been struck by a dagger
You drown your tears in the silence of the night
You know it`s necessary for your fam and friends that you stay and fight
You were gonna be in their life and guide them until the end
But now they`re gone and your mind just can`t comprehend
I don’t wanna say goodbye
I know it hurts when you cry
I don’t wanna say goodbye
I see the sadness in your eyes
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Hi Andreas...
Great song! I enjoyed the lyrics a lot.
I thought the vocal was probably a little "dry" and i think it could use a bit more reverb and/or delay...not necessarily a lot...especially on the spoken bits...maybe add more to the "singing" bits? which might help contrast between the two different components?
I really liked the stripped-back feeling of the song and thought it had a really powerful and affecting honesty to it...
Very nice work!
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Hi Andreas, I thought the execution of this song was really good. Sparse backing, that rap style works well and the singing in the chorus compliments the rap. Well thought out lyrics as well. Good stuff :)
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@Andreas (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22101)
Hi, rap isn't really my thing, but I enjoyed the emotional quality of the delivery of words you obviously feel. I get that the backing is pared back to make the words the spectacle of the song, but for me a bit of variation would have made the song lift a little. But, well done, I couldn't do that!
Cheers
Jamie
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@PaulAds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20253) @pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) @Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125)
Thank you for your kind words, really appreciate it! :) On the mixing of the rap vocals, I was actually satisfied and feel I got that LoFi vibe I was after, but maybe make it a little more wet or add some reverb could work. The chorus/singing part, I`m not quite there yet, as I know exactly how I want it to sound, so I have to sit down a little on it, maybe some reverb is the key.
As for the piano, I want it even more LoFi, and soft, but I have thought about adding a few notes to fill out the chords, and add some guitar noodling every 2 bars, to make it more interesting. I`ll get a mini vacay after tomorrow, so then I can sit down with the piano and work something out. I have also been playing with adding some thunder and rain effects to make it sound more dramatic, so I will see how it all turns out in the end :)
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I'm listening in mono on one earbud here in my office. What that is telling me is that those piano chords are slightly masking your vocals each time they come in. You might be able to find that coincidental frequency and cut the piano a bit there.....maybe even boost the vocal.
I do like the sparse production style and the lyrics a lot.
the idea of thunder and rain is cool if you keep it pretty subtle.
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I like this one a lot. I think the singing choruses are exactly right for this style. Perhaps you could bring out the percussion more in those parts to give a different feel?
Around the intoxicated / complicated part there were some lines which perhaps you could look at again to match the rhythm - nothing terrible but noticeable I think.
I think unclenny is right that the vocal could be boosted or separated a little more from the backing - it can still be lofi but it's important to hear the lyrics here.
I like the differentness of the song, very nice atmpsphere and great emotion.
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Hi Andreas
First off you have a very unique and lovely smooth tone to your voice. It reminds me a little of Macy Grey, this is a real gift!
I enjoyed the performance a lot and agree the lowfi production is definitely the right approach.
There is rhythm in this which can be accentuated. Subtle shifts perhaps holding or slightly before the beat on the 1 or 3 rather than keeping with the straight 4/4 timing maybe.
The emotion in the rap makes it work and elevates it considerably, Sadly we are overrun with the cliched style of rap, in my opinion which does the art form no justice, so nice work.
I need to check out more of your singing as i think you have a gem of a voice!
All the best
Si
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Like an emotional poem set to music, I like your understated rap style and the lovely texture to your voice.
I'd maybe consider doubling up your vocals in the singing sections so that this stands out more. But you do put over your feelings so well with that vocal style - an original voice!
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@Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611) - I haven`t gotten to sit down with it yet today, but I will take a deeper look at that, and see if I can fix it, might be related to how I set the EQ settings. Probably an easy fix, but I`m still not that experienced in mixing and producing, so might turn out worse than it it anyways :p
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) - Thank you so much for your kind comments :) The chorus was the first part I wrote or idea I had in my head, but I couldn`t drag to an traditional song, so I just started scribbling down words and rap them out, so I stuck with the chorus to make the rap bits stand out a little.
There are some parts I have started to re-write a little, as when I got to hear them after the recording and with the music and all and a set tempo, I heard I had some struggles keeping the beat in the words. For the beat I used the SoCal in Logic, to keep it simple, but I might use the Midi to create my own beat instead, and then it is easier to boost it in certain areas :)
@simonjol (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22633) - Oh wow, thank you so much! :) Macy Gray has a fantastic voice, so that`s a compliment I cherish :)
If I go for making my own beat, I am more free to play around, and make it more unexpected, and not the original 4/4. I have an idea on how I want it to sound when I am completely done, so now it is just to execute that plan of mine :)
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) - Thank you so much for those kind words :) "Emotional poem set to music", I like that :) Rap is kinda like a poem though. I thought about adding some harmonies on that part of the song, maybe pan it slightly in different directions as well, so let`s see how that goes :)
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I like messing with words, especially coming up with effective phrases and unique rhymes. And I really liked how you rhymed difficult and miracle. That was inspired.
I agree with those who would like to hear a little more variety in the accompaniment. Doesn't need much. Something to build it up some and then drop back toward the end.
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Hey Andreas, really impressive take on rap, you've got a good voice for the genre and carry it really well. Like others I could imagine it with more production (my head wants the percussion to lift up in the choruses) but then again, the ultra stripped back feeling is currently what makes it very unique, so maybe not. I hope your friend appreciated it.
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Hello, Norway!
Great song. I'm impressed by your writing, the pain and the hopelessness of the lyrics feel real. Very bold, stripped-down arrangement. I think it works.
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) - Thank you for your kind words, Vicky! :) I have been listening to some of my favourite rappers to see how they do their drops and how the percussion flows through a song, to get some inspiration, so might just add the drums manually, and play around with it, and find out what works.
The feeling when you find those two words that don`t look like a rhyme, but when you sing it, it works perfect, is priceless! :)
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) - Thank you for your kind words! :) Personally, I listen most to raps that are stripped back where the vocal and emotion are the highlighted parts of the song, so that`s where my inspiration come from, mostly.
She hasn`t heard it yet, but I hope she will when eventually gets to hear it :)
@The Estuary (SWE) (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22380) - Sweden, whats up?! :) Thank you for those kind words :)
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Andreas,
I really like this one! You have a great singing voice and the chorus has a real anthemic feel. Great lyrics that flow well.
Would possibly benefit from a slow build of instrumentation, but works really well as it it.
Great job, well done!
Kevin
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Hola @Andreas (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22101)
I like rap, I have heard Turkish rap, especially hip hop, and it is of an unbeatable quality without undermining the American.
I would give the rhythmic a little more volume, so that the voice leans more on the rhythm, on the beat, so it will be more articulated.
When you start with the melody it is very good, you open the sound, a change that always comes in handy.
I wish you the best, the lyrics are very beautiful and overflowing with love.
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Love this Andreas.
The sung chorus is a lovely moment(s) in the song though I really like the rapped sections a lot too.
The lo-fi works nicely. Maybe the piano is a little loud or not soft enough as you say....yeah, a bit harsh but nice nevertheless.
I was wanting something else to come in at some time...well I was at first but just listened again and I don't know now......maybe, maybe not.
I am probably guilty of overdoing things so perhaps not the best judge of that.
I did have the idea of having something play a little motif (what instrument I don't know) before the vocal starts and then reappearing again at a couple of points in the song....something that catches the ear each time to give an extra identifying factor.
But i did love it just as it is anyway!
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@kevysc (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19775) - Thank you for your kind words. Kevin! :) The drums, at least, I will try and build more into the song, like much of the modern, emotional rap these days do.
@moraamarolaloba (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21233) - Thank you so much, Mora! :) The lyrics have so far been the star of this production :p But, I will work more on the production and see where it leads me :)
@Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra - Thank you for those kind words! :) I have been working on adding a few piano notes softly in between the chords to fill them more, and make the drums more fluent (And unexpected) maybe, still without overdoing things too much, and add some harmony on the chorus maybe.
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Hi,
Yeah, I like this. I think you need to be careful what you do here, it already has a sort of charm/feel about it that is captivating, and holds you into the song.
Depends where you want to go with it....a few strings maybe. A bit more contrast in the singing bits, some 'treatment' for the vocals..... there are lots of things you
could try out, but Handle With Care ;D ;D ;D. I like it as it is.....
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Fab singing parts! I would definitely focus on singing rather than rapping in the future. The rap is not bad (not that I know much about rap) but not great either.
On the other hand this rap-but-not-quit-rap strangely enough gives the song a unique and "honest" vibe
As @Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611) already pointed out the "attack" of the piano overpowers the vox some so a bit of compression to tame it would probably be a good idea.
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Hi Andreas
A very emotive and stripped back track that very powerfully conveys the hurt in the vocals.lyrics. The only suggestion I would make, would be to perhaps 'sweeten the chorus a little with some backing vox etc in order to differentiate a bit more from the verses. Good song though.
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@Binladeda (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18620) - Thank you for your kind words! :) I will definitely handle with care on this! I have saved multiple back-up files if I screw it up some places :p I have been working on polishing the vocals up a little today, and testing out different EQ settings :)
@Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) - Thank you for your kind words! Rap is definitely not my main genre, but lately, most of the songs I have written have turned out to be hip/hop and rap... Might have something to do that I have been listening a lot to rap :p
The piano, I have changed to a LoFi Synth Keyboard instead to get the softness I was looking for :)
@Grubstar (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22532) - Thank you for your kind words! :) I have been looking into doing the vocals for the chorus more LoFi, so connect with the whole song more, adding some compression and reverb, and adding a slight deeper harmony in the back with some delay.
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@Andreas (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22101) - Listening for the first time while I write.
Like the phaser on the beats, why not double up on vocal the sung sections, that would be a pleasant contrast and random end of lines, such as 'Be your saving grace'
Some rap sections lose the rhythm rather.
Brilliant personal lyrics, you're very talented man Andreas. Love it.
If Ed Sheeran did this, they would be all over it like a rash....
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Hi,
The lyrics are great and the musical backing is great. I thought your vocal on the chorus was a little shaky and I don't like rap at all so for me the good parts are not enough to compensate for the negatives.
Sorry.
M