[Peppermint]

Hey everyone,
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Update-Could you please let this song go down the page for a while now as i feel i have enough feedback to keep me busy on it for the next few weeks and I will update it with a new version in a few weeks time, Thanks for the feedback everyone. 

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I 'm not going anywhere but the guy in the song just might lol  
Anyway here is a new set of lyrics I have been working on and have a tune I'm working on to go with it.

Its about a guy whose caught his wife cheating on him.
And even though he's angry with her he still feels that he loves her.

Its not complete yet might add a few more verses in the coming days but wanted to see what everyone thought of it so far.

I Have to Leave


She cries alone tonight in search of sympathy,
But the only thing she wont be getting from me tonight is empathy,
And No matter how much she cries,
She cant hide behind her lies,

A man of wisdom once came along and said to me,
That you cant hide all your feelings deep down inside of thee.
But I have to show her I'm the better man then what she can see,
I'm going to pack my bags and leave without giving her a chance to say goodbye to me,

As I walk out into the winter rain,
I try to forget her name,
And I try to forget all the pain she'd caused to me,
as it makes me feel as though a bullet has gone straight though the heart of me,

But I can't hide it,
Her smile was so bright and it was beautiful,
But if i was to go back now I would look the fool,
And now matter how much I try,
These feelings all still survive,

I need someone to help a man in need,
Help me to believe,
Help me so I can see,
That I can move on.

I have to move on, move on, move on, move on..........
I have to move on, move on, move on, move on..........

[BooBoo]

Love this. I love the way how it tells a story of how and why e has to leave and the way in the first verse it sort of makes the wife seen like a good person. I thought the song is cleverly done!

[Peppermint]

Thanks for the feedback BooBoo,
Yep that was what I was trying to get across in the first verse glad you picked up on that   
I was trying to write so that it came across as though  she trying to make out that she's done nothing wrong.

[PeeJay]

Hi,

This is a good story and i liked the still loving her but having to leave angle.

I wasn't sure about the line that ended with what you have as 'thy'. I assume it should be 'thee'. Sounds a bit sort of medieval!

And perhaps the 'ee' rhyme has been a bit overused.

Nice one,

Phil.

[Peppermint]

Hi,

This is a good story and i liked the still loving her but having to leave angle.

I wasn't sure about the line that ended with what you have as 'thy'. I assume it should be 'thee'. Sounds a bit sort of medieval!

And perhaps the 'ee' rhyme has been a bit overused.

Nice one,

Phil.

Hey Phil,

Thanks for your feedback it most probably is thee lol (changed it now I should have read a dictionary first   )
In a way I agree that the ee rhyme might have been used to much but it kind of goes with the music Ive made for it.

But I'll have go at rewriting a few lines in it so the rhymes don't how so much.

[Jess]

I liked the story- it was nice to have the wife cheating instead of the husband- but I think the song could've been structured a little clearer...like is there a chorus? All the verses kind of look different lengths and syllable counts, I mean if you've got a melody then it shouldn't matter, but from a lyrics point of view, it looks a little messy to the reader.
Other than that, I like it, I like the imagery and how some lines feel like miniature anecdotes

[Peppermint]

Hey Jess,
Thanks for the reply,

I can see what your saying about the structure but I think its one of those set of lyrics that goes great to music but looks bad on paper if you get what I mean.

Will have to get the music on here soon.

I think there is a chorus there it was meant to be the second verse from the bottom but might write a chorus after.

As I said earlier in the post its by no means finished and there is a few other verses etc. I need to put in there.

Thanks again for the feedback Jess

[Saeed AlSuri]

cheating is not a small matter in our part of this world ..

so I find choosing this subject to write  song about is interesting .. the lines are good .. but the ending which worry's me .. he need help .. how will be helping him ??

its

I was trying to write so that it came across as though  she trying to make out that she's done nothing wrong.

plus you mentioned that she's done nothing wrong ..wow .. some wife .. so how he is planing to go back to her .. if he is .. and if not .. will he be OK without her .. with all that loving feeling he has ..

man this guy is really amass ..

Cheers ..

[seriousfun]

You have a good story here with plenty of feeling.

I do see a problem with the last line in verse two however. You are getting your tenses mixed up. He should be talking about packing his bags in the future as he is walking out the door. His bags should already be packed and held in his hand. It may pay to revisit that line. Other than that, it all works and IMHO he is better off with out this cheating woman.

Allan.

[Peppermint]

cheating is not a small matter in our part of this world ..

so I find choosing this subject to write  song about is interesting .. the lines are good .. but the ending which worry's me .. he need help .. how will be helping him ??

its

I was trying to write so that it came across as though  she trying to make out that she's done nothing wrong.

plus you mentioned that she's done nothing wrong ..wow .. some wife .. so how he is planing to go back to her .. if he is .. and if not .. will he be OK without her .. with all that loving feeling he has ..

man this guy is really amass ..

Cheers ..

Hey Saeed,

Thanks for the feedback,

answering your question Well he is asking for someone who understands him and agrees that his wife has done something wrong and not him like she is trying to make out.
I think i might have skipped a few verses in between the one you quoted which kind of makes it go off towards the end and not make sense.

I understand what you are saying having read it back to myself a couple of times with everyones feedback.

I think i'm going to back to the drawing board with this one as it seems there are bits missing in between verses to explain the verses after them.

In other words it seems to have no flow.

Anyway thanks again for your feedback.
 

[Peppermint]

You have a good story here with plenty of feeling.

I do see a problem with the last line in verse two however. You are getting your tenses mixed up. He should be talking about packing his bags in the future as he is walking out the door. His bags should already be packed and held in his hand. It may pay to revisit that line. Other than that, it all works and IMHO he is better off with out this cheating woman.

Allan.

Hey Allan,

Thanks for the feeback,
I Agree, Didn't notice it before  even after writing it and reading it several times.
Will sort it out when i add a few more verses to it.