[LAquila]

On our first night together, I noticed she had a small tattoo between her shoulder blades. It was a semi-colon with a pair of little birds flying around it. Naturally, I asked...

She told me it was the symbol of 'a punctuated life'...a meme which started on facebook a while ago in support of the fight against suicide and depression.

She then told me that 18 months earlier she had been in that place, when she decided to end her 30 year old marriage because of his repeated infidelities.

That was heavy. I barely knew her. But I really liked her and went home a little bit stricken, a little bit sad. But deeply inspired.

Next day I wrote this for her in the space of about two hours, made a present of it. It was Christmas eve.

I like to think that perhaps, just perhaps, it made a difference. She said it did.

https://soundcloud.com/laquila-409411957/a-punctuated-life


Look down upon the world below
But don’t lose sight of everything you know
It’s just a moment passing by
A fragment in a punctuated life

Your eyes become a darker shade of green
Dampened by the sorrow and the sadness that you’ve seen
Let it go and look into the sky
Take a breath, spread your wings and fly

Could I waste a moment of your time?
Can I take a minute just to say what’s on my mind?
You are so beautiful
A verse of poetry
A semi-colon separating lines
In a punctuated life

Finish what you started, learn to love again
Just because it’s over doesn’t mean that it’s the end
We have tomorrow to decide
The way to lead a punctuated life

[mickyplankton]

Lovely song Laquila and a very enjoyable listen this Sunday morning. I'm curious about the vocal effects. There's a lot of reverb/echo and at times it sounds like 2 of you singing. I would play around with this a bit, perhaps tone the effects down slightly, as that will bring the vocals and guitar a little closer together. But aside from that I wouldn't change a thing. Cheers Micky.

[diademgrove]

Hi LAquila,

I'm not sure if its my system but the vocals were a lot louder than the guitar. If its possible I'd reduce the volume of the vocals to bring them closer to the level of the guitar. I didn't mind the effects they helped reinforce the lyrics and the image of a punctuated life.

Apart from the production I liked the song, strong lyrics with a strong melody.

Keith

[CaliaMoko]

This is great! The lyric is awesome; sure to be one of my all-time favorites. I would have worked the melody a little differently, but that's just personal preference. Overall, it suits the lyric well. The production has issues, as already noted, but I'm sure glad you didn't let that stop you from getting this song posted. It's all about the song and this is a winner.

The only nit I have, and maybe it isn't a real nit because maybe I don't understand what idea you're trying to get across, but--I wonder why you used the word "waste" in "Could I waste a moment of your time?" It clearly isn't a waste of her time. Why "waste" instead of, perhaps, "take" or "use"? Or even rework it a little and use "spare" or "spend".

What an uplifting, feel-good way to start my day. Thank you for posting it!

Vicki

[adamfarr]

You really have strong melodies and this is no exception. I really like it. The concept and lyrics as well - the verse of poetry is a great image.

One day I would quite like to hear the bare recordings without any effects. I bet they sound better than you might think.

[Steng]

Like the song a great deal. Nice melody and words. Not too keen on the production though, the guitar just sounds wrong. The vocals remind me of something from the 60s - early 70s. Ever listened to the first Genesis album? Not Their signature sound by a long way, but the feel of this song reminds me of Genesis to Revelation (think that's the title anyhow).

I'm with Adam, I'd like a raw version, warts n' all, bet it would sound great.

Steng

[Skub]

Hey LAquila.

The passionate lyrics communicate well with the listener and I believe the song to be heartfelt.

Where the song loses for me is the effect on the vocals. It's really EQed very aggressively and too far forward in the mix. The song is a profoundly personal piece and deserves a more intimate sound.

Sorry if all that reads negatively,but I think the song warrants a new mix more in keeping with the lyrical sentiments.

[Mike67]

Great lyrics and melody and I like the guitar work, but I agree with the other reviewers that the eq isn't quite right; it sounds like the low end has gone.  I think natural sounding acoustic, with a simple precision, bass and flourished of electric guitar would sound great.  Catchy song and good work.

Mike

[Martinswede]

Hi!

I've just woken up but I'm pretty sure
'Could I waste a moment of your time?'
is the most beautiful sentence I'll hear
today.

The rest of the lyrics do need some attention here and there.
Overused rhymes, lines that could be more powerful.
Just small changes to make it perfect.

I agree with other members regarding the massive use of
effects. They distract. I think you should focus on getting
the vocals perfect instead of adding plugins.

It's a good song. Good enough to be worth the trouble of
making it really good.

Cheers,
- Martin

[pompeyjazz]

Lovely melody and lyrics and I like the acoustic rhythm wise. My only suggestion would be to bring the vocal down to blend it more into the track as I think this is the sort of song that needs to be up close and personal, not shouted into your face. Like this a lot

[boolio]

Hi,
What a beautiful song! Always I like to hear decent melody and this is really well put together with the lyrics.
I think there's been reference to the "could I waste a minute of your time" line already but nevertheless I'll make another comment...awesome!!
Would have liked to have heard slightly less FX  on the vocal but overall this is superb IMHO
Phil

[LAquila]

Thanks everyone. This may well be the most important song I've ever written. On a hot summer's day not three months ago, I said something in verse to someone who is turning out to be the most important person I've ever met. Of course, I want to get that right.

A reminder: I'm nearly 52, not some adolescent lovesick fool. Well, not adolescent anyway.

I've tweaked it a bit to bring the vocals closer to the guitar, removed some of the reverb, taken out some of the aggressive eq...as always, I can't see the wood for the trees and appreciate the feedback I get from you guys.

Hi!

I've just woken up but I'm pretty sure
'Could I waste a moment of your time?'
is the most beautiful sentence I'll hear
today.

Martin, you sweet talker, you. Yes, I was taken with that too. More below when I address Vicki.

Where the song loses for me is the effect on the vocals. It's really EQed very aggressively and too far forward in the mix. The song is a profoundly personal piece and deserves a more intimate sound.

Is this better, Dave? I so want it to be right.

Adam and Steng: you don't want to hear the raw me. You say you do, but you don't, not really. Alright, I'll come over to the UK and give you a live performance just so's you can agree. LOL

This is great! The lyric is awesome; sure to be one of my all-time favorites. I would have worked the melody a little differently, but that's just personal preference. Overall, it suits the lyric well. The production has issues, as already noted, but I'm sure glad you didn't let that stop you from getting this song posted. It's all about the song and this is a winner.

The only nit I have, and maybe it isn't a real nit because maybe I don't understand what idea you're trying to get across, but--I wonder why you used the word "waste" in "Could I waste a moment of your time?" It clearly isn't a waste of her time. Why "waste" instead of, perhaps, "take" or "use"? Or even rework it a little and use "spare" or "spend".

What an uplifting, feel-good way to start my day. Thank you for posting it!

Vicki

Vicki, your input is always such a boon to this forum. I value and respect your views so this is gold for me.

When I met Lisa, she was clearly not someone to waste her own time and the fact that she had any time at all for me was profoundly humbling. I'm not an egotistical man and have been burnt many times. I was so struck by the fact that she would choose me when she could have anyone she wanted...I still wonder about that. Mmm...I guess a pining poet has some charms

Anyway, 'waste', at the time, seemed like the most appropriate word. I didn't choose it. It chose me. Ya can't fight that kind of @#$%

Once again, thanks everyone. This site absolutely rules!!

[Jamie]

Hi, good song, obviously coming from the heart. I agree with all the other comments about the vocals and the production. It would be nice to hear a new production. Good luck with your new friend!
Nice song though!
Cheers
Jamie

[tina m]

Its intriguing following your private life in these songs of yours but I hope your lady friend is ok with us all knowing everything? 
Anyway, very poetic lyrics & I love the message , strong melody aswell...
I know you say youve tweaked it but ive still never heard a love song sound quite so aggressive?
On your last song I obviously mistook that sound to mean violent intentions 

[Moomond]

This is my favourite of yours so far. I want to learn this one and use it to serenade somebody... would you mind?

Top marks for melody and lyrics, again. I'm in the camp that says 'could I waste a moment of your time' is a brilliant line.

The production: I'm hearing the tweaked version it seems, I think this is better done than your previous efforts, although I agree with Adam and Steng - a raw version of your vocal might not be the absolute best thing to use, but if we could hear it, maybe some people here could help you enhance it in a more natural-sounding way?
A small thing that I wasn't too fond of was the way you fade out slightly on the word 'life' - might be just me. And it's a nitpick, I'm very fond of this song.