The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Binladeda on October 28, 2012, 11:08:25 PM
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This is a song I'm quite keen on. I wrote this for a special person ;), and am hoping it will turn into a forum collaboration..........so any advice on any aspect of this will be much appreciated. For some reason the volumes seem to drop when the drums kick in...I've tried to stop it but it happens every time I mix it ??...The lyrics (which I always struggle with) need some work....I think.....and I'm not to sure about the structure...and on and on and....Anyway hope you like ;D http://soundcloud.com/binladeda/rocket
Lyrics
So this is how our story ends
I say goodbye to you again
First the flood and then the drought
The fires gone, the fires burnt right
Down is all I feel
Telephone don't answer
Don't you feel the same thing now
And like a rocket to the moon, I love you
And hope you feel the same way to
I love you
I love you
Time has passed, you've gone away
I think about the days we were ok
Looking back, I think I knew
The lies you told, they never would come
True, it's hard to see
Just don't know the answer
In my heart, the same thing now
Chorus
So this is where it's come to now
I need to move, I never can somehow
If I could, I'd run away
Leave this hurt and memories
Today is just the same
The future looks no better
I see the stars and think of you
Chorus
etc. etc.
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Melodic MOR/AOR rock done well.
I like the melodies. The lyrics. The guitar motifs. I like it in general in fact!
I would find ways to:
-Vary the dynamics a little more. A section 3/4 in where the drums go sparse perhaps
-Or...cut the song down 30-60 seconds
-Think about backing vocals to lift the chorus sections, to define where the choruses stand
-Production wise it is tinny and "snappy" on the guitars, but largely home recording traits. At least it is clear and forward :)
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Nice song mate... ;)
I`ve got some lyrics that need music just like this[but a bit rockier]..but i want a female voice...interested..
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lovely relaxed feel, i like the edge to your vocal, character..
sounds like twelve string strum, rich and the beautiful gtr break..
thing is the mix you open with is pretty much the same that you end with..
perhaps a strategic harmony vocal and a 'proud' hammondy organ would work it up a little, but just a little..
really nice song and grows nicely on repeated listens
its almost like swearing sometimes using i love you in a chorus but you put it across well, sounds right.
very nice track bin..
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This is very relaxing and nicely recorded. Your voice has a vulnerable edge to it which works perfectly for this song - a little like Jerry Garcia I thought.
Could do with a bit more variation in the arrangement as others have said but this is a real grower and kind of gets under your skin after a few listens.
Great lead guitar BTW.
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that chorus is stunning Binladeda ;D
The big build up I thought was leading to an anthemic melody but you paused and went all elegant - absolutely beautiful songwriting
Listen who really cares about the lyrics I believed every word you said - you can't manufacture that
The guitars and keyboard really work the arrangement nicely
I really love this ;D
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very nice mate ;)
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Well you know what I think don't you :-*
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Hi,
It's nice, but i preferred the rockier track you did not long back.
That said, I'm a firm believer that you should write what you want to say, and say it the way you want it to be heard.
Production was good.
Digger
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loved the guitars & your voice is so good & yes maybe the lyrics were a bit hit & miss but like kafla said the way you sang them they did sound realy profound & lets face it ive only got to hear i love you in a chorus & im sold on it...& rockets are always good in songs
but i thought the production was outstanding the guitars sound great & the whole mix is realy big & loud....thats some shed youve got!
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Pleasant listen, some nice guitar work, very laid back sound, I liked it.
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What kind of guitars are you playing in this one? Cause they sound awesome ;D
Loving the part in the beginning where the electric one comes in and gives that beautiful contrast to the acoustic ones.
I found it a bit hard to understand the vocals in the mix, I'd give them a bit of a boost, 'cause you do have a beautiful voice...
Drums sound a bit too synthetic for a song like this I think, would have preferred a more acoustic and organic sound here.
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mr binman this sounds like a bond theme to me ....the cold war.. the space race ..me on the moon with some lunar bond girl....Q gives me a lamborgini moon buggy ..M gives me a licence to kill in space & a single breasted tuxedo space suit
why havent you entered it in the bond competition ?
the names bond..james bond 8)
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Very nice, I like it... a few comments ---I wish the electronic drum track was programmed with some fills in and out of the chorus...at times I wish the vocal was more up front in the mix, and after the solo it may work to modulate the progression a whole step up for interest.
Nice work!
Cheers!
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I like this, the chorus is great, the vocals came out really well you've got such a nice tone to your voice and I love the clarity of the guitar sound (I can never get that myself). The drums are the only bug for me, just need a little more programming so they sound less programmed! Haha! The strings are a nice touch and actually don't sound to synthetic. Only advice I'd give is to bring the volume down at the end of each long note, will make it sound a bit more natural, like the player has reached the end of the bow. Bit of a faff I know but makes a big difference I find. :) Oh very nice solo by the way.
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good listen nice chill out tune! i like the chorus mind!
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Hey Bin..
I really like this mate, very professional again, it just seems so effortless with you. I think you should bring those vocals forward a bit, in my headphones the guitars seem to be a bit louder and I want to hear the words easier. I think the chorus is lovely, I wouldn't change that at all.
Great stuff, and not a pie in sight! :D
hab..
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Love the chorus and I love how your voice sounds. Production wise I agree that the drums sound synthetic, but that doesn't take away from the strength of the song for me.
Great stuff Bin, look forward to hearing more,
Richy.
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Hi Bin,
You've achieved a lovely full sound here. There are ome fine chord changes at work, helping to make this in places extremely emotional. I'd perhaps lower the volume of the main guitar but only a little. The chorus is excellent and the guitar solo is most welcome. Love the way the keys swell at 'think of you'. Little touches like that make all the difference as do the guitar parts towards the end!
Very enjoyable!
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Thank you all so much for the lovely comments that you have given. Some really talented people from this forum have agreed to collaborate with me on this.......and I'm sure that all your advice and tips will be taken on board to create something amazing.....that , in essence, will belong to the whole forum. I can't explain to you the effect that finding this place has had on my life......I know I'm a soppy old sod, who wears his heart on his sleeve...but I don't give a sht about that....I'll tell it as I feel it. I really do love you all. I'd answer you all personally if I knew how to work this text thing properly, but it just comes out as one long line.....but I do know how to use the smileys ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D A heartfelt and sincere thank you to you all
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I don't know why i'm always surprised at the quality of BinLadens work - I shouldn't be, but I always expect something cheesy, but what is delivered is unique and of high quality. The hook "like a rocket to the moon" is both memorable and radio friendly.
Other's have said this is AOR/ MOR and of course that is where you earn your royalties. Great track, very Simple Minds to me - great hook - nothing really to fault. Just get out there and get it on the radio!!
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Lovely clear guitars - I am trying to decide on the mix as I quite like the vocal level but for mainstream you'd want to lift them up a bit. Chorus is simple but nicely natural and original sounding. Watch out for the solo over the last chorus - maybe pick a clear melody or phrase ? Great work and jealous of the clear production too....
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Bin, I got all excited when I just noticed this post. I love your work man. Your guitar play is what I aspire to and I tell you, I wasnt let down when I listened to this track. Sure It wasnt as rocky as your last posting but I preferred this. I love a nicely done slow guitar lead. It puzzles me, you have the same notes on your guitar as I have on mine, but you seem to find them and play them with so much more panache.
Excellent song and well sung too. Totally bellevable and thats all you can ask for in a vocal.
Kudos to you.
Allan,