[dankepig]

hello again!
As i said in the title writing this song seems to be a never ending WIP.. I reckon i recorded the first version about 2 years ago.. Its evolved a lot since then,(i've probably recorded it 5 or 6 times to get to its current form) but im still not happy with it. I'm not sure what the problem is with it, so i decided to post it here and see what other people think about it.
I mean why spend two more years working on it only to find out the problem was the song itself?
Its quite a long song at about 5:20 (which may be part of the problem) and I'm sure not everyone will make it to the end lol, but it builds up a lot towards the end, which is the best bit.. so try and make it!

http://soundcloud.com/dankepig/lucky-charms-new-version

Recorded using 2 acoustics, a bass, and the ol' voice box. Again my equipment is useless so i apologise for the sound quality but hopefully it'll be enough to give you the impression of the song i hear in my head

Please let me know what you think, as im very unsure about this one..

**lyrics (I know these need work too lol)
Again i caught on too late
Because i never learn from my mistakes
And he didn't even wait
He just came in and wrecked the place
So now he lives in his dream
Where he's the only actor in the scene
Throw out your lucky charms
Because they wont protect you from his harms

It's too early now to call it late
I'm still not ready when the morning breaks
For a normal life in an ordinary place
With young child's eyes on an old man's face

The paranoid, hypothetical boy
That had everything he needed but he grows
into a face that no one knows
A disappearing act, as he's fading to black
Drawing the final curtain on his show
just a face that no one knows

Remember the time when you said you needed me?
Was it everything you wanted it to be?
Remember the time when you said you loved me?
Wasn't everything you needed it to be..

[domj]

I dunno.... i'm new here so maybe i shouldn't voice out. But i review others stuff... i admit i'm not good at it nor confident because i hear people far more capable than me.
But why should i if someone doesn't care about anyone else?
it's not as if this is a listeners forum... everyone here is in the same boat. We want informed criticism.
I joined here to glean what i can off others but i know i've got to give something back or at least try.
I don't get the mentality of posting music as if we were salivating in it's anticipation without a few wet licks back.
I listened as i always do... i've probably got this wrong but i call it spam.

[tina m]

23 posts.... every one about himself & his own songs ...i think youd have to call it spam & ignore it ....dom you are absoluteley right!

ive  also listened to & reviewed this guys stuff before.....not anymore

[Schavuitje]

I never realised but am glad to know.
Cheers domj 

[dankepig]

Im sorry.. I didn't realise i was doing anything wrong until it was too late.

You are right, i hold my hands up and admit that i haven't done any reviews, but I have honestly listened to songs from the forum (incuding ones by Schavuitje and Tinam), and i don't know why i haven't commented before. I guess i just got it wrong, no excuses.

I will post no more of my own songs and just concentrate on reviewing other peoples.. maybe that'll help to build a few bridges.

Again i am sorry.. the last thing i wanted was to be considered a spammer (i hate spammers also), and now i know that the way i posted before is unacceptable, I will change it.

[Schavuitje]

Wow! No need to be QUITE so harsh on yourself. Just your acknowledgement that it's a bit unfair
and your word that you'll join in with other peoples work is good enough for me. No need to stop posting any of your own
if you play fair mate.
Your appology is good and hats off to you for making it 
Don't worry about it. 

[tina m]

i know you got a bit of a bashing there but this subject of people taking & not giving is something thats been boiling  up here lately & people have got fed up!
anyway its good to see youve started to join in.....thats realy good!

[tina m]

i dont want you to think im down on you gary anymore cos im not 
i dont think the songs bad at all its got a good structure
but your equipment doesnt help things ....the guitars & bass & harmonies all get mixed up & make it sound very dense & confusing

in its present state  there are to many voices & its much to long ....&  youve been struggling with it for a long time already
so maybe wait till you get better recording gear or try it out with friends to see if they can add the magic ingredient

[nooms]

hi gary
its got a lovely mood & hypnotic melody but the mix is weird and way too long, need a few twists in there..
understand your indecision when you get caught up in an idea, dont want to let it go, dog with a bone but..
sometimes songs are like stepping stones, they need to exist and you need to write them to get to the next one..
and well done with the humble pie, good to have you aboard
all the best, nooms

[dankepig]

Hey Tinam and Schavuitje
a drunken post is never a good idea but no hard feelings about before, and about my bashing (sounds like an innuendo lol), I did deserve it! now I understand how the forum works, and see clearly for the last year i have been a dick to all you guys!! You reminded me of a vlauable lesson on give and take.. but of course with hindsight it seems obvious: post my songs for reply while replying to none is wrong. Just know i didnt see it this way until this morning..

No worries regarding the song comments either; jjust listened to it pissed (courtesy of a nice bottle of rum hehe) and realised that the song is pants lol!! I didnt like it at all ..i mean the bones of something good are there, but you were spot on sayin how it all gets mixed up and confusing, to be honest this is probably the worst of all the versions i made! I was stuck between uploading this or a completely different song, and I have no idea why i picked this one lol even with the magical powers rum gives, it still seems a shambles!
of course you're also right sayin its too long; i think out of the 5 mins there are probably 30 seconds that are worth hearing!!

Thanks for giving me a second chance and sorry i made you sit through that mediocre song!! My stuff isn't always this lame (i think)

[Schavuitje]

I think there's more than that. There's some nice chord changes in there. I particularly liked the bit from about 1:30 onwards for a bit.
It sounds like a really good jam and there's a lot you can pick out of it I would think.
I do love a bit of dark Jamaican rum

[dankepig]

lol @ nooms!!
I thank you very much for drawing a few positives from this song.. but you are right, its the stepping stone to something good.. I just got over excited and posted it here in a real mess! One day i'll get it right
and yeah the humble pie was a surprise, but it tasted good! I am glad i ate it 'cuz ow i get the chance to meet you guys properly and its good to know there are people like me around.. excessive songwriters and strange as a green orange

p.s. your simile(?) of a dog with a bone is quite a strange image to have in my drunken head lol i hope i dont remember my dreams tonight haha!
sweet dreams!
Gary (Dankepig)

[dankepig]

I think there's more than that. There's some nice chord changes in there. I particularly liked the bit from about 1:30 onwards for a bit.
It sounds like a really good jam and there's a lot you can pick out of it I would think.
I do love a bit of dark Jamaican rum

thank you man i thibk there is the bare bones of something good there.. but just badly mixed and an amatuer-ish performance, and you're right about 1:30 onwards, its definitely the better part, hmm leave it with me, i'll figure this one out yet.. just not tomorrow because i can look forward to a wonderful hangover! good guess thats what im drinking 'Jamaican dark rum'.. its so good my typing seems ok even though im so pissed!! i also hope you are drinking tonight Mr. Nooms?? After al you are the god of rock

[domj]

Definitely all the parts for a good song in here. Think it needs structuring better. You've got a knack for coming up with catchy bits... but if you don't mind me being honest... you need to structure it better. Great sense of melody.
You've kind of thrown loads of ideas at the song and kept them, there are some lovely bits in it and i reckon a bit of ruthless chopping is needed.