The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: Alan Starkie on October 29, 2014, 06:58:06 PM
-
Ok, here we are.
I read Steve's lyric and really liked it (as did many other people) so I contacted him and put some music to it.
Need some (any and all) opinions (good/bad/indifferent) to move this forward.
STC thinks it should be 'less happy' and maybe slower.
https://soundcloud.com/alanstarkie/tennessee-river/s-FsYxf
'Tennessee River' (words - STC / music - Alan Starkie)
when i said, i would lay me down
by the banks of a Tennessee river
i didnt mean, for to be alone
where the water flows
and the view is greater
under the shade of the trees
and the whispering of the grass
i asked you why your loving
is the only love that lasts
and all the troubles that have gone before
and all the screaming fights
have they taken wings and flown away
to someone elses life
when i said i would lay me down
by the banks of a Tennessee river
i didnt mean for to be alone
where the water flows
and the view is greater
we could talk about the cumberland
and the falling of the leaves
heading out like a storm of ships
the sailors of our dreams
and when i take you home tonight
i hope its on a gentle stream
but be careful of the bridges there,
there not as dry, as they seem
when i said, i would lay me down
by the banks of a Tennessee river
i didnt mean, for to be alone
where the waters flow
and the view is greater
deep is the night
deep is the river
blinding the sight
of the gift of the giver
lying like boats
dead on the shore
tied to the weights
sailing no more
deep is the night
long is the river
if you dare to dream
it's what she will give you
and all the troubles that have gone before
and all the screaming fights
have they taken wings and flown away
to someone elses life
when i said i would lay me down
by the banks of a Tennessee river
i didnt mean for to be alone
where the waters flow
and the view is greater
greater for you,to be at my side
-
Alan, love hearing this in its simple state , plus your fab harmonies. I like the simpler acoustic treatment, which gives your Pop a more organic feel which suits the content.
Too fast - if you slowed it down it might be a bit overlong but I'd restrain the backing, strum rather than picking when singing so it's lyricslly led?
Too positive, possibly.youve major chords and a positive melody perhaps some simple instrumentation might add pathos, maybe mouth organ or cello perhaps?
Hope this helps and look forward to hearing what others think and how you take it forward.
:) neil
-
I'm sort of thinking,to put some 'Bon iver' in it,make it more ethereal , the lyric does have a dark under belly to it,although some parts of the verses sound good with this melody. Maybe Neil's suggestion of toning down the major chords would do the trick...over to you :)
-
cool collab, i think the chorus is spectacular!!! more of those, repeat it over and over (and build some instrumentation on top of it), get straight to that as soon as possible
but nice, very nice!!!!!
also very nice melody in these last lines
-
Great lyrics and music, sounds beautiful to me. Maybe some strings in the chorus, maybe a gentle bass and drums coming in on second chorus and disappearing for the last verse would give it more dynamics. For me, it doesn't need to be slower and the high F and E play off each other really well and lend it some pathos anyway.
Enjoyed the listen
-
Hi Alan,
I have written a melody for this - I think I got in first :) I've been busy with other songs so haven't got round to anything more than a very rough initial demo so far. Very interesting to hear how your take differs from mine. Are both you and Steve happy for us to run the 2 versions simultaneously or do you want me to drop out now that you've posted your version?
No problem either way - can use my melody for something else.
I like what you've done, Alan. I don't think you're capable of coming up with anything substandard!
M
-
Hi Alan,
I have written a melody for this - I think I got in first :) I've been busy with other songs so haven't got round to anything more than a very rough initial demo so far. Very interesting to hear how your take differs from mine. Are both you and Steve happy for us to run the 2 versions simultaneously or do you want me to drop out now that you've posted your version?
No problem either way - can use my melody for something else.
I like what you've done, Alan. I don't think you're capable of coming up with anything substandard!
M
Not a problem for me. i changed the lyrics for Alans one a bit, i know you made some changes yourself also...so will end up as two different songs anway?
-
Sounds great Monty.
The more the merrier.
Whack it up for a listen.
-
OK,
Here is my very rough initial sketch - just me and my acoustic guitar.
https://soundcloud.com/alan-walker-4/tennessee-river-demowords-by-stephen-lord-music-my-alan-walker
M
-
OK,
Here is my very rough initial sketch - just me and my acoustic guitar.
https://soundcloud.com/alan-walker-4/tennessee-river-demowords-by-stephen-lord-music-my-alan-walker
M
Really liking this Alan.
Did my head in on first listen!
Looking forward to a more structured version with maybe fewer stops? Threw a little.
I've listened two or three times and it's settling in now.
What a strange experience listening to totally different version of a song you've already put creative work into.
Great work Alan. I was listening thinking of stuff I'd put in your version! Crazy.
-
Alan i think your going to make it sound really good once you've worked it all out and refined it....you need to change the M8 though,,it sounds messy....use the new one i did if you like.......it's an interesting exercise and will produce 2 fine songs i think.....your style of singing and intonation is working well on the lyric....
-
Hi Stephen,
Thanks for the feedback. Your new middle eight is a big improvement - that was the bit I struggled with. I'll use it for my version as you suggested.
Just got to find the time...........
M
-
wow, how different these two versions are
nice, the version from Monty is very warm and comforting in my ears
(i got a connection with bridge over troubled water from Simon and Garfunkel, must be that: i would lay me down_ line)
and that brings me to the point that adding harmony vocals could be nice for Monty's version
both excellent versions, Monty, Alan and STC!!!
-
No wonder I was getting really confused - two versions, half-covers then? And I promise not to add a third ;D
Anyway Alan I REALLY like you vocals on this - top singing. Nice rhythm, good chorus and ending.
I think the main thing to consider you've 5 verses, 4 choruses and a decent length middle section - so for me its about how you differentiate the verses from the choruses and build momentum in the arrangement so it becomes musically an interesting journey rather than a straight drive along a dual carriageway, if that makes sense? Perhaps keep the verses really simple and build the arrangements on the chorus as the song develops?
Hope this help and look forward to hearing the finished article.
:)
Neil
-
No wonder I was getting really confused - two versions, half-covers then? And I promise not to add a third ;D
Anyway Alan I REALLY like you vocals on this - top singing. Nice rhythm, good chorus and ending.
I think the main thing to consider you've 5 verses, 4 choruses and a decent length middle section - so for me its about how you differentiate the verses from the choruses and build momentum in the arrangement so it becomes musically an interesting journey rather than a straight drive along a dual carriageway, if that makes sense? Perhaps keep the verses really simple and build the arrangements on the chorus as the song develops?
Hope this help and look forward to hearing the finished article.
:)
Neil
Hi Neil,
Great advice........which Alan were you addressing? :D
-
Alan from devon I think!!
-
STC great to hear two of the greats on this forum are recording your great lyrics, nice one Man, if you want my honesty i say mix the two together, i mean that seem to be the favourite on stage in these young but never forgotten old days, old style and new.
Great tracks you two, great lyrics STC.
-
STC great to hear two of the greats on this forum are recording your great lyrics, nice one Man, if you want my honesty i say mix the two together, i mean that seem to be the favourite on stage in these young but never forgotten old days, old style and new.
Great tracks you two, great lyrics STC.
Cheers Dogmax
-
sounds amazing and great lyrics very inspirational i wish i had even ten percent of your talent keep it up (y)
-
Mr Starkie:
Great work. The lyrics work great in the song you have created, the slightly dark descending melodies especially, and those lovely harmonies. It's interesting how STC will have an idea in his head where the song should go and the points he makes are very considered. It is always tricky to try to get into someone else's head. I have done a bunch of commisions myself and that is always the big part to break thru!
Mr Walker:
Very different. I like the shuffle feel to the strumming. I feel that this version would benefit from more of an arrangement. It is very simple as stands and I veered off from listening towards the end. Some instrumental breaks perhaps, but that would risk either becoming too long or having to edit down the lyrics
STC
A very evocative set of lyrics. No wonder a few people have latched onto it! Great work and I hope something comes of them
JNx