The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Works in Progress => Topic started by: adamparkerukmusic on December 25, 2013, 09:56:54 PM
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Hi I am working on called coming home, not completely done.
feedback on the quality of the bare bones of this song would be good. Can you see good potential in it and me ?
I played this at 2 local radio stations, the first attempt i repeat the same verse, 2nd attempt I wrote a second verse.
This gives you an idea of the song. I want to record it properly with drums and bass guitar and electric and acoustic guitars and speed it up. I want to make it sound more like a train aswell.
Link 1 - my first attempt http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNP6SJcGG1E (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNP6SJcGG1E)
Link 2 - my second attempt with second verse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjchK2UpVMM
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjchK2UpVMM)
Lyrics:
Verse 1:
I boarded a train I didn't know how long i'd be away for
Left everything I know behind said my goodbye's
You stood their on the platform you were so cold
But you stood their till you could see my train no more
Tell me where have the days gone
Chorus:
I'm coming home...
I will find my self again
I will carry on...
Be everything I've waited for
I'm coming home...
Been away for so long
Tell me...
Where the days have gone
I'm coming home....
Coming home
Verse 2:
I can't complain it was my choice to go away
Those places still look the same as I count down station names
You sit their at the phone wondering when I'll be home
I call you and tell you I won't be long
Tell me where have the days gone
Chorus:
I'm coming home...
I will find my self again
I will carry on...
Be everything I've waited for
I'm coming home...
Been away for so long
Tell me...
Where the days have gone
I'm coming home....
Ending:
I boarded a train I didn't know how long i'd be away for
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I listened briefly. I like it a lot, but it will take another listen to tell what it was I liked about it.
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I listened briefly. I like it a lot, but it will take another listen to tell what it was I liked about it.
Here is what I liked. I loved the spare nature of the whole song. Not too much of anything. No vocal gymnastics, not showy guitar solo. Just a song that is telling a very emotional story.
I did not initially like the lyrics, but when combined with the music, I loved the whole.
I think the lyric alone neither tells a story nor evokes a lot of emotion. That's just fine, as long as the SONG does those things, and (imo) it definitely does. The song creates word pictures and demands an emotional response from the listener. Few songs effectively do that, and it's a real good effect.
All in all, I loved it, and have no nits to pick. I wish I COULD tell you how to make it better, but that will have to come from someone else.
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I listened briefly. I like it a lot, but it will take another listen to tell what it was I liked about it.
Here is what I liked. I loved the spare nature of the whole song. Not too much of anything. No vocal gymnastics, not showy guitar solo. Just a song that is telling a very emotional story.
I did not initially like the lyrics, but when combined with the music, I loved the whole.
I think the lyric alone neither tells a story nor evokes a lot of emotion. That's just fine, as long as the SONG does those things, and (imo) it definitely does. The song creates word pictures and demands an emotional response from the listener. Few songs effectively do that, and it's a real good effect.
All in all, I loved it, and have no nits to pick. I wish I COULD tell you how to make it better, but that will have to come from someone else.
Thanks a lot, that's really kind and great comments. I was trying to do exactly what you said, have the listener be able to paint a picture and just sing the song with some emotion.
It's still in progress. I will record properly in the next few months and post again.
thanks again :)
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Hey Adam
I think you have a really strong voice. It did get picky at times but I think you can easily iron that out as when your voice is strong it really is identifiable and very listenable. I don't have huge amount of advice but I'd suggest finding some different vocal lines through the song for your lyrics- you tend to sing by following your strumming pattern exactly, every syllable you say matches the way you strum the rhythm on the guitar. Perhaps try letting the lyrics float over the rhythm sometimes, extend some words, let some of them last and break away from the guitar a little. Your voice definitely had potential though.
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Hey Adam
I think you have a really strong voice. It did get picky at times but I think you can easily iron that out as when your voice is strong it really is identifiable and very listenable. I don't have huge amount of advice but I'd suggest finding some different vocal lines through the song for your lyrics- you tend to sing by following your strumming pattern exactly, every syllable you say matches the way you strum the rhythm on the guitar. Perhaps try letting the lyrics float over the rhythm sometimes, extend some words, let some of them last and break away from the guitar a little. Your voice definitely had potential though.
Thanks for that man great advice :) cheers
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thanks for the feedback so far - still a work in progress
I played my song "coming home" on another local radio station, this time with 2nd verse words
here it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjchK2UpVMM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjchK2UpVMM)
verse 2:
I can't complain it was my choice to go away,
These places all look the same as I count down station names
You sit their at the phone wondering when I'll be home
I call you and tell you I won't be long
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hi Adam, gave this a listen, the last link" didn`t listen to the first two. the song was busy so I did like it.
there wasn`t to much change in the music from the lyric/chorus but it was enough. and I noticed the music runs into the lyric to the chorus maybe just a measure or two would be cool before you got to that chorus..know what I mean? and I thought the song was great without the final chorus....I like songs with emotion.just my thoughts. don`t pay much attention to this, I`m a rookie.