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Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: adamfarr on December 24, 2015, 08:09:21 AM
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Merry Christmas to all.
Couldn't wait to post this one for feedback. The lyrics produced quite a bit of comment - thanks to all. After all the raw emotion of Rescued by the Rain, I wanted to do a simple three minute rock song. But, to paraphrase Dolly Parton, producing something simple can be really complex ...
Story is that a young man is dumped by his much older lover - she describes this as a normal part of growing up - he describes it using a blend of youthful and adult similes...
All comments appreciated as ever. Have a good one!
Remix (thanks to commenters) https://soundcloud.com/lutehill/snakeskin-remix-30-12-2015 (https://soundcloud.com/lutehill/snakeskin-remix-30-12-2015)
Snakeskin
Verse 1:
Your silence jolts me like a swearing child
Your absence cuts me like an unused wedding ring
Your leaving's like December with no santa, a kite without a string
Pre-chorus 1:
You say the tree to grow needs to be cut
That it's normal for horses to fall
But to me it doesn't seem natural at all.
Chorus:
You say it's like a snake losing its skin,
Like a tree losing its leaves,
Like a child cutting his teeth,
But it doesn't seem natural to me
Verse 2:
Your hardness raps me like a kitten's claw
Your coldness slaps me like an empty double bed
Your going's like a birthday with no candles, a rose without a head
Pre-chorus 2:
You say that corn grows stronger planted alone
That from a nest eggs always fall
But to me it doesn't seem natural at all.
Bridge:
I want what we had (you don't care)
I want what I had (it's not fair)
I don't want to start again
If this is growing then I want to stay small
(c) Adam Farr, 2015
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Hi Adam,
I like this, probably my favourite of yours so far. You've got a quirky "New wave" feel going on around here. I like your guitar and bass sounds. Reminds me of The Young Knives. Your production has certainly come on in leaps and bounds. My only criticism would be that it is maybe too "wordy" I feel if you left some lyrics out the song would flow a whole lot better as you sometimes seem to be cramming the lyrics in.
Overall though, I really enjoyed this and as I say, my favourite of yours so far.
Keep it up :)
Cheers
John / Pompeyjazz
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Yeah..some improvement goin on, definately too wordy and they don't rhyme very well in places where they should..
vocal still a bit narrative though and it sounds like it's recorded in your lounge or bedroom...you need to give it a space
best, Kevin :)
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Hi Adam
Cool song!
It sounds unique to me - can't compare it with anyone else (that's a good thing!)
I really like the choruses and esp like the bridge with the response lines. TBH I don't get some of the verse lyrics - like how a wedding ring can cut or how going can be like a headless rose but I'm thick that way. ;D There were a couple of pitch issues on the lead vocal - esp when you are out of breath - that should be fixed IMHO.
Enjoyed the listen!
Paul
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Yeah, great vibe! I pretty much agree with what others has already said but will add a few things not mentioned yet.
- I see exactly what you are trying to achieve in the intro and it will be way cool if you pull it off. However, right now it does not quite work (at least not for me). I can't figure out if it's not played tightly enough or too tight but for some reason it comes through as "askew", hard to describe and maybe it's just me....
- I'd say the bass need some more balls and bottom end and possibly come up in the mix as well esp. in the chorus where I can barely hear it at all.
- The kick is a bit lame as well
- I would also try to get the vocals more "in the mix" rather than "on top" of it. Could be as simple as backing them of a tad.
Now, don't get me wrong, this is not bad in any way, just offering some ideas making it even better and as always, very much up to personal preferences.
Keep or sweep ;)
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Hi Adam,
Merry Christmas to you too ! I am very much warming to your quirky brit pop sound.
My issue again is the song, there are not two lines in this song that rhyme ! And the problem with that is that the phrases don't 'close out' leaving the lister the satisfaction to move on to the next idea in the song being totally satisfied. It makes for umcomfortable listening. The basic idea of a song is that it should ryhme in places.
I like what you are doing and some of your originality is genious.
Regards,
Lee
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Adam,
check this video at better expresses what I was trying to express in my last post.
If you don't relate to it, then sorry for wasting your time, just ignore it and me !
Regards,
Frenchy
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Entirely agree with the 'Brit-pop' thing that people have commented on - I can imagine this type of track from the likes of Blur or Franz Ferdinand. For me, the winning ingredient was the lyrics, especially liking the very first line "...jolts me like a swearing child". Unique - never heard that before, but get exactly what you mean!
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Thanks for all the comments everyone!
- Pompeyjazz - thanks indeed! Young Knives is a great comparison - very "British". Glad you liked it.
- Shadowfax - thanks for the input - still experimenting with "space"! I steered clear of too many rhymes to match the "confused" theme but will revisist...
- Paulski - OK some of the lyrics were more figurative than literal... Thanks for reviewing - the lead vocal probably could use some work.
- Jambrains - thanks for the detailed feedback on the mix. There is something "laggy" about the intro - not sure if latency or overcompensating for it. Maybe it needs to push forward a bit more and not be on the beat. A remix will apear soon.
- Frenchy - many thanks for listening. I did think about these things and deliberately decided that the theme of the song needed a kind of unresolved feel in terms of rhymes and progressions - but perhaps too much or not skilfully enough done if you were left wanting. Love a bit of Pat Pattison - probably I wouldn't be here if not for his books... But I really do think that there is no rule that a song must rhyme! (though this one does in places).
- danieltrigger - Jackpot if one of the lines sounded a chord with you! Thanks for listening!
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After all the detailed and helpful suggestions, and all I can think to say is "I like it." Loved the music from the lead-in to the end.
Definitely the right music for the vocal/lyric. I did not mind the near rhymes and non rhymes. The song had plenty of definition. For me, rhymes are just "landmarks for the listener." Like signposts, there is no need for them when there is only one direction to go. I felt this said what it should say.
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Hey Adam,
Like the vibe you've gone for, the band sounds good and backs up the lyrics well. Lyrically it is strong, although it feels like you've got one too any similes in there. Perhaps this is what the others were referring to with the "wordy" comments.
Sparse production, which fits with the message in the song, and sounds nice a tight to my ear.
Some lovely lyrics - e.g. "If this is growing then I want to stay small".
Also, digged the breakdown at the end of the song, vocals and drums, a nice variation which sets the end up.
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Hi Adam, I was thinking 70's stones when the heard the intro. Nice guitar riff and tones. The bass lines were good but a maybe could be 'beefed up' a bit. Quirky vocals, heading down the morrissey route. I agree with other comments about the lack of 'space ' in the recording.
Definitely moving in the right direction technically and musically.
Cheers
Jamie
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Hey there Adamfarr.......pretty cool tune you have there. The lyrics are sharp and very ear catching.
I like this recording! Love the electric guitar (what is that you are playing on?)
Good stuff!
-Tom
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Cool sound Adam. Guitar sounds great.
First listen I confess I struggled a bit but subsequent listens i came to appreciate it more.
I'm now on the updated version AND listening through speakers instead of headphones.
There are a lot of good moments and the song itself sounds well-conceived. Some good lines in there too.
The rhyme thing doesn't matter so much to me as the phrasing or should that be the metre....some lines don't flow too well. It's already been said by more than one person so I won't bother to repeat all that too much. But I do agree some with Frenchy here.
I know that we are in the business of analysing the song a bit too much perhaps where a 'normal' listener wouldn't but if things are jumping out too much in a distracting way they are maybe too noticeable. I think where the/a song works best is where we aren't noticing most the time even what instruments are being played because we're so caught up in the song as a whole and that only on a closer analysis do we notice that, for example, there is a horn part running right through 'In The Midnight Hour' by Wilson Pickett not just the solo part.
So, just to say my piece, it's the pre-chorus parts that are clunky. Anyway, you do what you want!
The bridge here works really well and is one of the highlights of the song for me. It does everything a bridge should do in taking us away somewhere else good momentarily and making the re-entry into the song a memorable moment, though I don't know if that is quite the right moment to be dropping off the backing....? I think, and I've got nothing to back me up and am only an amateur, that the song re-entry should preferably go back to something we've already had....something already familiar and set in our heads....as I say I've got nothing but my own feelings to back this up!
Oh yeah that every beat snare doesn't seem right for me either....but oliver is a drummer and he didn't mention it so it must be just me!
Anyway you've done a good job on the song - not so simple,is it? - and demonstrated some good ideas for the arrangement, sounds etc
Nice one. Happy New Year!
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Adam,
Good title and neat intro/verse.
The chorus is strong and interesting lyrics. Structurally there's quite a lot to get your head around with lengthy pre-chorus and a middle section. In terms of arrangement again theres a fair bit going but again its suits the style. The only bit i wasn't so sure about was the acoustic middle section
I like the ambition and it reminds me a but of Talking Heads.
:)
Neil
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Quick thank you to everyone for listens and input. I feel that I am going forward all the time, and this forum has played a huge part of that.
- hardtwist: thanks so much - this one is mainly about the words, but it's great to hear that the music is also getting in line...
- oliver: glad you also liked my "rock star moment" ;) Yes, maybe I got myself locked into the similes and couldn't find the exit... Thanks as always.
- Jamie: thanks re the bass - been working on that quite a bit (was supposed to have a bit of a Bruce Foxton feel). And yes, the "space"! - my homework for 2016...
- Ironknee: many thanks - the guitar is a 335 style model on a direct input into the (free!) Voxengo amp sim plugin - I used to be a "mic the tube amp" fiend but the Voxengo has such a range of EQ, amp sounds, cab sounds, IR possibilities and more.
- Viscount: I think you nailed it as ever "Rule 1: thou shalt not distract". If I have learned one thing this year then it is that I may be able to compromise on some things but never on lyrical rhythm/scanning. If I want to keep being ambitious with interest and meaning then I may need to work twice as hard on that. Thanks for making the point in such a constructive way. And for good thoughts re the arrangement.
- NeilC: many thanks - Talking Heads indeed - not an influence I have been aware of! Interesting how opinions are divided on the acoustic section. I'll definitely take on board the comments re structure - I definitely shouldn't make it too hard for the listener...
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Hi Adam, just to be clear, my 'bass' comments were to do with the tone and volume of the bass, not the notes you were playing,I thought they were fine!
Cheers
Jamie
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this pushes along lovely adam gets quite punchy..like what your doing
and your vocals are good on this , especially like the change @ 2 mins
sound a bit like theflamin groovies ..check them out circa 76 shake some action
as said a few of the lines felt awkward and maybe intentionaly so, provocative maybe
but you risk losing the tracks momentum if you dont fit the awkward in a little more...rehearsed ?
good stuff adam and a happy new year
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hi Adam
another big step forward in both performance and production...loved the bit around 2:20 where the vocal takes over...you really seemed to get a hold of the song there in particular :)
i think i'd maybe try to get a little more impact right at the start, if possible...show everyone you mean business, so to speak
another thoughtful and interesting concept too...good stuff!
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One more quick thanks for listening and commenting. For those commenting on the structure I did a quick edit with no pre-chorus and it worked OK but the mid section came around far too quickly and would need further major surgery to be made to work. Hmm:
- Jamie - yes, indeed, thanks - the low end is a challenge, to find the balance between too much (muddy) and too little (weak)... Still working on it...
- Nooms - very interesting - I think the awkwardness may truly be more in the writing than the delivery. Thanks re the vocals and the Flamin Groovies (now that's proper rock n roll).
- Paul - thanks indeed - I often like to build from low and your impact point made me have a rethink - perhaps the lead guitar should make an apperance at the start before returning at the end... and many thanks for comments on the vocals.
Cheers everyone.
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Hi,
I'd echo the comments about being a little wordy and the sound needing some more space. I never felt I was "inside" the recording. Some pitch issues and all in all a little fussy in it's structure. Having said all that, it's still showing signs of improvement over your last track. I can see what people mean about the Talking Heads thing and I never really liked them so I'm thinking I may be unfairly biased. The bass is good - gave the track real drive and energy and you should be encouraged by how much you have engaged the people on here with your music.
M
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Like this one Adam, very nice.
I find the verse chord sequence a little weak, those rising chords are OK but I get the feeling something else could work better.
But the chorus is nice and strong, like that.
Lovely arrangement touches in there. The backing vocals in the bridge are great and then the stripped down chorus works really well. Makes the chorus even more effective.
Nice work,
Tom.
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You certainly have you own style and are improving slowly but surely.
I dont hate the song but dont like it either...but cant put my finger on why.
It makes me feel uncomfortable but not enough to turn it off. So i think you may be on to something.
All I know is if you keep at it, one of these days you will come it with a very good song that will combine youre slightly odd lyrical style and vocal delivery. I applaud your attempts at not going down the easy route with the lyrics, again they make you uncomfortable as they dont go in the direction you expect and keeps you on the edge of your seat till the end.
You have to be a bit different to stand out from the mass of enthusiastic amateur song writers so you are ahead of the game there and i am convinced that you will come up with something very good in the near future.
I notice the second version is better but on a lot of your songs it feels like you're 'band' is playing in the front room and you are singing in the shed totally disconnected from the rest of the song.
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Very unique sounding, took me back to the late 70's early 80's.
I liked it because it held my attention but does lack a 'hook' I feel, not that I'm an expert!
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More quick thank yous - all the input is really interesting and thought-provoking.
Sullish: thanks for a very valid point I think - the chorus is not very melodically daring - if anything the hook might be the guitar riff that it matches... But if not that memorable then more to do...
Morefrog: thanks for being open-minded and understanding. Sometimes I think if I wrote a boring song and spent months in the production I'd get more compliments, but that's really not my style. But I totally agree that too much oddity will lose people, so it's a balancing act.
Tom: thanks so much! I do take the point re the progression - definitely some chords from other keys in places which probably isn't ideal and is something to watch. (I know I do that a lot...)
Montydog: all good points. Thanks in particular re the bass. For the rest, for sure work to do. But yes, I feel I am streets ahead of where I was and in no small part thanks to all on here.
Cheers all.
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Hi Adam,
Good, driving groove. The bass and claps work well - especially when the other instrumentation drops away. Guitar had a nice tone.
I thought the vocal was quite catchy, if a little nervous sounding.
Mrs D liked it too.
Nice one,
Digger