[cena69]

looking for an opinion, this is a story about the ever changing future,
(how people are trying to control me and decide who or what my future is going to consist of)


A shooting star once said to me
That nothing's really what it seems
'You must make up your own mind'
Well I'll try this time

So I look to the world outside oh
All of a sudden, I'm eating my insides
The tiny words that break your heart,
They're breaking and entering
So I look but you're not by my side
Whatever happened to 'I would rather die'?
The things that make you fall apart
They're breaking and entering

And I never said I was right
Well I'm probably the one in the wrong
The voices are telling me I just can't always be this strong

And nothing feels right not right now
Like I've lost my mind somehow
I'm scaring myself


Well I'm burning up
This will be something I'll remember for years now
These mental pictures are forever and ever
You look ten years older than you did yesterday

Was it something I did to make you look that way?
Well, I believe in letting off a little steam
but now that I'm the one on top, should I call you honey?

This will be something I'll remember for years now
These mental pictures are forever
This will be something I'll remember
This will be something I'll remember for years now

These mental pictures are forever and ever and ever
This will be something I'll remember for years now
I'm already feeling much better
I'm sorry
Nothing can hold me
I adore you still
But I hear them calling

I was looking to the sky
When I knew I'd be swimming home
And I cannot betray my kind
They are here, it's my time

I'm sorry
Nothing can hold me
(Do you really want me?)
I adore you still
But I hear them calling (calling)
And nothing can hold me

[benjo]

hi cena69,

some lovely flowing lines
if i'm honest i got a little lost with the meaning being about the future
it's prob just me though i can't work it out
maybe the way i read it

                                          opening verse WOW lovely the way it just roll's
                                          take care...

[Jess]

I agree, that opening verse is great, you just need to work on the structure, I think I've said this on a couple of other pieces of your work. The structure is so crucial, it might help if before you write a song, you plan out what it's going to 'look' like (how many verses, how many lines in the verses, how many syllables in a line, etc) and that will really help structure your writing