[Kevin j]

this is a new song i wrote, im not finished it yet, there is still a few things to do , like maybe change the verses, im not completly happy with them, could you guys give my some constructive criticizm? maybe tell me what you would change in the song? thanks

V
how can i forgive, if i can't forget,
cant kiss your lips, i'll just taste regret,
more of the truth, less of the lies,
maybe then, you could look me in the eye,

(riff)
C
oh, a mistakes been made
you've broke, the ground we laid
but, you can't take it back
this choice i cant make,
This feeling i cant shake
but you cant take it back

i cant decide

V2
how am i meant to choose,
i cant win either way i lose,
but i know how i should pick,
but that decision just wont stick,

V3
should i give you a second chance,
after this are you worth another glance,
maybe not but my heart cant understand,
i wish this choice was in Gods's hands,

B
you call my name
bounces round my head
off my pain
(off the words you said)1st
(leaves me worse than dead)2nd (x2)

Chorus x2

Outro
oh please, take this choice away,
oh please, let fate decide the way,(X2)

thanks for reading  

[Jess]

Personally, I think the verses are the strongest part of the song, especially the first one. The rhymes are simple but work nicely and tell the story well. I like the prechorus, although I know it might not fit a melody you've got worked out, but you could change the words from ground we laid to foundation we laid? It makes it slightly less monosyllabic. To me, the chorus is lacking something, it's like a curtain pole without the curtains, I think if you want a short chorus you need to have longer verses, whereas everything in this song is quite short. There again if you've got things like riffs and instrumentals in it, it's going to stretch the piece out, however right now I can only comment on the lyrics.
Like you said, this piece is a working progress, but the verses are a high quality and this is a solid foundation for a song.
I can't wait to read/hear the finished version

[BooBoo]

The verses are great I think. The chorus could be a little longer, even if that was only a couple more lines. I also really like the pre chorus! It's a good song!

[Kevin j]

Thanks jess! The ground we laid was actually the foundation we lais, i had to change it due to the melody,  what do you think of the chorus, being changed to an outro? Ive been thinkinf about doing that and leaving the pre chorus as the chorus. I might add in a bridge, to make it longer....
 booboo thanks, wat do you think of the chorus being changed to an outro, or would it work better staying as the chorus bu just a couple of lines longer?
Thanks for the comments   

[BooBoo]

It could work quote well as an outro but I also think it depends what the chorus is like. I wouldn't scrap them two lines because I think they are good, just maybe extend on them some more or as an outro, either way I think it will work

[Kevin j]

you call my name
bounces round my head
off my pain
leaves me worse than dead

New bridge, what do yous think?
Ill work on that chorus/outro booboo 

[Jess]

you call my name
bounces round my head
off my pain
leaves me worse than dead

I like that

[benjo]

 hi there,
 for me very good stuff
 verse 1 and 2 are great

 verse 3,   should i give you a second chance,
                are you worth another glance,        taken out of this line the words,   after this
                maybe my heart can't understand,  taken out of this line,                  not but
                guess the choice is in gods hands,   changed in this line, took out i wish this, for guess the 

 just my thought on it mate
 i enjoyed very much
 sorry if it seems like mumble
 suppose my point is
 great words just to many
 nice though...
 

 

[Kevin j]

Thanks benjo, i think il do that, shorten it down similiar to what you've done
there, i'd kind of noticed it was a bit awkward to sing that last verse.

Thanks benjo 

any other comments anyone?

[Sing4me88]

The pre is quite strong. The chorus is a little on the short side. Sometimes short choruses work but I'm not sure in this case although it is difficult when 'reading' rather than 'hearing' a song to make that call. On the other hand I don't know if adding new lines would detract from the sentiment of the chorus which says it quite simply and effectively already so IMO if you were to lengthen the chorus it could simply be to repeat the two lines.

[GTB]

I like the short line on the end of the chorus, I'd even dump the "but" and make it shorter still.  It leaves a thoughtful pause just after the word "decide" - pretty cool :-)
GTB

[Kevin j]

Thanks gtb, thats what i was going for,
yeah i think i'll take out the but.