[Hooded Singer]

He's paper thin
Rejection cuts through him
Show me where the scar ends and the boy begins

With his paper heart
She's doing origami wrecking it wrecking it

Everything she had to say
So few words
But they ruin me

I was locked
And she was the key
Oh does she ever think of me
Will I ever be set free

He's paper thin
Rejection cuts through him
Show me where the scar ends and the boy begins

So few words spoken but they broke his heart
He never thought he'd take it this hard

So few words were spoken that day but they broke his heart and left nothing else to say

He's paper thin
Rejection cuts through him
Show me where the scar ends and the boy begins

He asked her out
But he's out of luck
And now inside he’s all fucked up

Laughed it off like it was no big deal
Didn't know what inside he would feel

He's paper thin
Rejection cuts through him
Show me where the scar ends and the boy begins

I took your hand
And you broke my fall
I guess I needed you all along

I'm paper thin
Rejection cuts through me
Show me where the scar ends and I begin


Everything she had to say
So few words
But they ruin me

I was locked
And she was the key
Oh does she ever think of me
Will I ever be set free

I'm paper thin
Rejection cuts through me
Show me where the scar ends and I begin

Can't see my tears when it rains outdoors
Can't see my scars underneath my clothes
Stars shine bright even when I don't
I remember the moment it all went wrong

I put my heart out on display
I watched you walk away
Didn't take long to decay

Pretty scars run down my arm
Still can't be trusted to be alone
I'll leave a light on
I'll leave a light on

I thought I had made a friend
But things took a turn
And it got bad again

You broke my heart and that was that
The cut got worse with every word
The first one was the worst
You said no

We could have been the best of friends
I guess that wasn't meant to be the end

Pick yourself up and carry on
Rejection is just a love song gone wrong


I asked her out and she said no
I guess I'm not the best guy she knows

I'm paper thin
Rejection cuts through me
Show me where the scar ends and I begin

I took your hand
And you broke my fall
I guess I needed you after all

[CaliaMoko]

I don't see your sound file anywhere...did you forget to post the link?

Looking at only the lyrics...the paper thin and cutting images are strong for me. I'm not sure about the origami line, though. The rest seems to be all about "cutting" and origami is folding, but maybe I'm just not getting it.

One other thing that was really noticeable to me was the switching back and forth between first and third person ("He's paper thin" and "I was locked") for instance. If you are trying to create a specific feel by using this type of switching, I'm missing it. But again, it may be just my density.

This reads to me more like a poem than a song, but if you post the sound file, so I can hear how you have it set to music, that would help in that area.

That's all I have.
Vicki

[Hooded Singer]

I don't see your sound file anywhere...did you forget to post the link?

Looking at only the lyrics...the paper thin and cutting images are strong for me. I'm not sure about the origami line, though. The rest seems to be all about "cutting" and origami is folding, but maybe I'm just not getting it.

One other thing that was really noticeable to me was the switching back and forth between first and third person ("He's paper thin" and "I was locked") for instance. If you are trying to create a specific feel by using this type of switching, I'm missing it. But again, it may be just my density.

This reads to me more like a poem than a song, but if you post the sound file, so I can hear how you have it set to music, that would help in that area.

That's all I have.
Vicki

I don't have a recording because it's not finished or totally coherent yet, sorry if it should have been posted in Lyrics instead of Works in Progress.

The origami line was part of a brain storm of ideas. Not sure how I feel about it yet but it does help to break up complete rhymes. I thought it went with 'paper' but I'm glad to have your fresh perspective that it seems out of place with 'cutting'.

The first and third person thing I was experimenting to see if I liked the lines as 'I' or as 'He' better. I also thought about beginning 'He' and transitioning to 'I' toward the end. But maybe that is confusing and strange and I should stick to one or the other. This is still in drafting and needs a lot of refinement for both the lyrics and order of delivery.

How can I make this more like a song than a poem? 

[CaliaMoko]

I'm not sure of the exact guidelines on where to put a lyric in progress if it doesn't have a musical setting yet, but personally I would probably choose the "Lyric" forum, since that's all I would be seeking feedback for.

Regarding the "origami" line, don't change it based only on my feedback. I'm pretty good with straight-forward "in your face" obvious lyrics, but when getting into more obscure stuff, I'm pretty hopeless at "getting it" unless I wrote it myself. 

Regarding poem vs lyric, this may not be an issue, depending on how well it goes to a musical setting. I would have to know more about that before being able to give you good ideas for fixing it...if it needs fixing.

Here's what I recommend:

1. In your post, before the lyric, write what you are thinking and what you want for feedback. For this lyric, for instance, you might write:

Here's a lyric I'm working on. I'm posting it here instead of in "Lyrics" because for me, it's a work in progress. I've written part of it in first person and part in third person. I'm trying to decide which works better, so please give your ideas on that. The eventual final version will be consistent throughout. I'm also looking for feedback regarding the structure and rhythm of the lyric. Any other thoughts, ideas, and recommendations are also welcome.

2. Give your lyric structure. Put it in sections, noting the verses, choruses, pre-choruses, bridge, intro, outro (you won't necessarily have all those parts). Your lyric might then end up a bit different (see below). What you had was really long, with a lot of random repetition. That's part of what, to me, makes it sound more like a poem. So I re-worked it to give you an idea of what I mean. I didn't actually change your words much, except for leaving a bunch of them out, so I may have eliminated something you feel is important to the song. But this is just meant to be an example. I didn't do anything to make it easier to set to music, so the verses, for instance, still don't have similar rhythms, etc. I ended up with what you see here:

CHORUS
He's paper thin. Rejection cuts through him.
Show me where the scar ends and the boy begins

VERSE 1
With his paper heart -- She's doing origami wrecking it wrecking it
Everything she had to say -- So few words  But they ruin me
I was locked And she was the key, Oh does she ever think of me
Will I ever be set free

CHORUS

VERSE 2
So few words spoken but they broke his heart
He never thought he'd take it this hard
So few words were spoken that day but they broke his heart
and left nothing else to say

CHORUS

VERSE 3
He asked her out, But he's out of luck
And now inside he’s all f**ked up
Laughed it off like it was no big deal
Didn't know what inside he would feel

CHORUS

BRIDGE
I put my heart out on display
I watched you walk away
Didn't take long to decay
Pretty scars run down my arm
Still can't be trusted to be alone
I'll leave a light on
I'll leave a light on

CHORUS

3. Put a warning IN YOUR THREAD TITLE when your lyric includes vulgar or profane language. In addition, you may choose to use euphemistic coding, as I did above. This is referenced in the guidelines, which you have read, right??

I hope this is helpful.

Vicki