[ScottLevi]

Hi all,

I know I'm new to this forum, and this seems to be a very much 'get what you give' community - which is great - though obviously new members like myself stumble across these sites with a goal in mind; to get some feedback on their work (and I'm simply too excited).

I find it difficult find time to turn on my laptop outside of work and participate but am at the start of a week-long holiday with my father to relax and escape work stresses, so expect my increased activity here (for the week at least) doing what I enjoy; listening to, writing and creating music.

Now I only purchased my guitar last December and it has been a huge change in genre for myself and after attempting to write and perform multiple songs I believe I've finally found something which is 'getting there' and can be improved on to create an actual performable song, so all and any feedback will mean a lot and be greatly appreciated.

The song came about from being put into positions where people with authority over me seem to have a completely different outlook on the world - and force this upon myself. It's about not being on the same level as other people and that becoming a real problem when trying to live your life.

https://soundcloud.com/namelessmc/cant-be-real

Re-Recorded From Feedback: https://soundcloud.com/namelessmc/cant-be-real-1

Verse 1
Everybody's tripping think I'm losing my mind
If this is just a dream please give me a sign
Reality is slipping and it's harder to find
Nothing's what it seems, and my eyes are open wide

Courus
This can't be real
It's what I feel
Lets make a deal
Before I'm out of time

This can't be real
I'm forced to kneel
My Fate is sealed
I'm out of time

Verse 2
I need to rethink, my whole damn world
My outlook on life, the thoughts that I build
Takes just a blink - your life stops still
Stuck at the brink - lose your free will

<courus>

Chord sequence is pretty much unceremoniously adapted from 'Sitting at the Dock of the Bay'; G, B7 C, A7 and chorus G, B7, G, B7, G, A7, G, B7 with a little breakdown basically going G-D-C-F(of some sort)-Dm-D

Recorded using a Blue Snowball microphone straight into Audacity (guitar and vocals in one) and a Rio classical guitar.

Many Thanks,
Scott.

[CaliaMoko]

Well, I like this song quite a bit. I find the abrupt switch in rhythm pattern at the chorus very disconcerting and, while I would probably do it differently if I were writing this, I do think your technique suits the topic. The whole thing has a frenetic feel, but the rhythm and speed of the chorus really solidifies that. As you polish the song, the change will sound more intentional, which will help. Right now it sounds like you're struggling to get everything in, but that should improve with practice.

I do recommend a few changes--in keeping, I think with the feel of your song.

1. Second line of chorus, I suggest "It's what I feel". I think it flows better and is closer to what I think you're trying to say there.

2. Sixth line of chorus--I don't get this; I don't know what idea you're trying to express with the "concrete field". For that reason, I recommend changing the line, but maybe it does say what you want and I'm just being dense. It wouldn't be the first time.

3. Seventh line of chorus, I suggest, "My fate is sealed"

4. I usually recommend removing unnecessary uses of the word "that" because people have a tendency to use it far too often. You do have one unnecessary instance of "that", but it's the only time you use the word in the entire song, so it probably isn't overkill and I can tell you want it there because of the timing/rhythm. It could be done without it, though, and it would still work.

That's all I have. Good luck with it!

Vicki

[boolio]

Hi,

I'm not entirely sure what you've done here melodically but having said that I've listened to it three times so it's definitely holding interest. 

Lyrically I think this is very strong; a different and refreshing take on the 'What's normal' conundrum.

That's my take anyway.

I actually think the verse is quite catchy but I think maybe the chorus needs some work melodically to become just a little more coherent. That said, the frustrated, insistent feel to the delivery may just be what you sought to do, If it was I can see where you're coming from.

I guess sometimes songwriters are asked to disambiguate lyrically and whilst this may be necessary on occasion often I feel the listener needs simply to try harder and 'get inside' what the songwriter was trying to convey in the first place (after all ANY art is a two way street) and from a lyrical view I wouldn't change anything here. Maybe just 'smoothing the flow' of the chorus and I think you will have something of real interest.

Keep up the good work! You're doing great with the guitar by the way after a few short months!

 

[tina m]

I think this is the catchiest acoustic song ive heard here for quite a while scott...
id say youve definitely got something ...the song was a real delight ...a perfect little package that makes you want to hear it again 
fab finger picking in the verses & then that wild change to the rhythm of the chorus...brilliant!
no filler ...no wasted notes or spaces ...just pure earworm
loved it!

[ScottLevi]

Hi Calia,

Thanks so much for the feedback, and I'm delighted to hear you like to the song!

The change does sound a little bit frantic, but I'm in two parts. This recording was on the day I writ the song, and though I've tried since I'm finding it difficult to emulate the 'frantic' change after practising a little longer. It's kind of a good thing but I do want to capture that abruptness in some form or other.

1. Second line of chorus, I suggest "It's what I feel". I think it flows better and is closer to what I think you're trying to say there.

Spot on, I like this, and it will help me to think of new options when considering your comments on point 2.

2. Sixth line of chorus--I don't get this; I don't know what idea you're trying to express with the "concrete field". For that reason, I recommend changing the line, but maybe it does say what you want and I'm just being dense. It wouldn't be the first time.

If there was a line in the song I had a funny feeling about, it was definitely this one. I definitely made a compromise here to fit to the rhythm of the song. I tried to justify it as symbolising that the 'natural and beautiful grass field has being obliterated by cement hardening the world around it' is similar to my thoughts being crushed by a similarly overwhelming wave. I do agree that even with this 'justification' the line is outplaced and a bit vague in comparison to the rest of the song which is pretty straight-forward in it's intent. Hopefully I'll be able to find a more appropriate alternative given changing line 2 as suggested opens up more options.

3. Seventh line of chorus, I suggest, "My fate is sealed"

Just a typo to be fair

4. I usually recommend removing unnecessary uses of the word "that" because people have a tendency to use it far too often. You do have one unnecessary instance of "that", but it's the only time you use the word in the entire song, so it probably isn't overkill and I can tell you want it there because of the timing/rhythm. It could be done without it, though, and it would still work.

Good shout, I'll give it a play without see how it sounds.

Thanks again for taking the time to help me out, I'll try return the favour when the opportunity comes around.

[ScottLevi]

I'm not entirely sure what you've done here melodically but having said that I've listened to it three times so it's definitely holding interest.  Smiley

Lyrically I think this is very strong; a different and refreshing take on the 'What's normal' conundrum.

Thanks a lot Boolio, I not sure what I've done here either but do have some feeling that it's leaning towards something, whatever that is. It's also good to hear positive feedback on the lyrics as this is the area I'm most confident and glad that's showing through.

Totally agree with your comments around ambiguity, I have often struggled finding that middle-ground between lyrics which are personal enough to keep myself engaged whilst keeping them relatable enough for others to draw some relation. I guess for me it's primarily a personal outlet, but it's also a wonderful thought that others may take some enjoyment too.

Thanks for taking the time to help me out it's much appreciated.

I think this is the catchiest acoustic song ive heard here for quite a while scott...
id say youve definitely got something ...the song was a real delight ...a perfect little package that makes you want to hear it again  Smiley
fab finger picking in the verses & then that wild change to the rhythm of the chorus...brilliant!
no filler ...no wasted notes or spaces ...just pure earworm
loved it! Smiley

Wow Tinam, I wasn't expecting such a lovely response. I'm so glad you enjoy the song and appreciate you letting me know - goes such a far way for increasing confidence!

[Eline97]

I like it, the fingerpicking sounds really good to start off with and I think your chorus was quite clear and catchy!

However, I thought the rhythm changes were very abrupt, maybe you should try some slow changes or instrumental breaks to make it easier for yourself as well.

As for the vocals, I think if you would pay a little attention to breathing before a sentence and not in the middle of it, you could sound even better!

Overall good job though!