[Thomas Frederick]

This song was written on a bus and was inspired merely by the lights on the bus going out and sparking back to life a few moments later. I elaborated on this simple line to achieve the whole song, which is about going through the motions of a daily routine just to please other people, and wanting to not have to do that anymore.

After looking over the lyrics about two months afterwards, I decided that I wanted the music to be slightly eerie and dark, and I hope I have achieved just that.

The only thing I'm not looking for particular comment on is the vocals, because I'm currently looking for somebody else to take the reigns in that department. Pretty much everything else I am open to comments on, more specifically the music and perhaps the lyrics because I would like to know your opinions on whether the song has a decent meaning/story. Also, if you could tell me whether you think the music and lyrics work well together or not, that'd be great!

Thanks in advance!

https://soundcloud.com/ipaintrainbows/stardust

LYRICS;
VERSE1
The lights flickered on and off,
I decided I've had enough.
Everybody stared at me
As I stumbled past his presence.

The cold shook my ribbon bones
To the point where I was left alone.
Nothing could then prepare me
For his beauty so pleasant.

PRE-CHORUS1
Fall away, fall apart,
Take away my broken heart.
Fly away into the dark,
Take away the bite and bark.

CHORUS
Everything has shattered to stardust,
On the edge of broken pieces from this mistrust,
And my life so empty resolves so soon
Just to even out the chasing silver spoon.

VERSE2
The trees tumble back and forth,
So I decided to ride out the course.
Getting rid of the hate in me
Could lead me to collapse and perish.

The pavement moved under my feet
Into a dark place so discreet.
It drained the light in me
For I had a crave to cherish.

PRE-CHORUS2
Fall away, fall apart,
Take away my broken heart.
Drive away, back to the start,
Take away the vile marks.

CHORUS
Everything has shattered to stardust,
On the edge of broken pieces from this mistrust,
And my life so empty resolves so soon
Just to even out the chasing silver spoon.

MIDDLE EIGHT
If I could break away,
I'd uncouple myself so fast.
If I could fly away,
I'd do it to forget the past.

CHORUS
Everything has shattered to stardust,
On the edge of broken pieces from this mistrust,
And my life so empty resolves so soon
Just to even out the chasing silver spoon
Of the moon.

© Thomas Yeomans 2013

[terrysains]

Some really good lines without a doubt, 'Getting rid of the hate in me
Could lead me to collapse and perish'  and, 'If I could break away,
I'd uncouple myself so fast... ' Enjoyed very much. Terry.

[digger72]

Hi Thomas,

Liked that. Some Depeche Mode sounding stuff in there - which is always a massive plus for me. It's quite minimalist; perhaps a soft pad somewhere in there would be interesting. It does achieve that eerie feel you're after. The lyrics work for me.
As to the vocals - there's a chap in the forum called Fischermans - i think his voice would be ideal. I don't know if he's be up for it, but you never know. His voice has a Kraftwerk quality to it.

Good stuff.

Digger

[Dave Bradley]

Very dark lyrics, but the music sounds a bit twee for the mood you're setting. Someone mentioned Depeche Mode, but perhaps it needs less of the "bells and whistles" and something to make it more compressed and crushing, harder edged...

[darreldo]

I really like this, especially the pre-chorus and them bell things that play in the background. I see that as you chorus tho, your real chorus seems like another verse to me. its a godd song and enjoyed when it picked up. Good lyrics too, i often feel im stared at on a bus!!

[benjo]

hi IPR,

WOW,  loved it mate really good feel, vocals, tune all round smooth
well done to you tony...

[Saeed AlSuri]

Hi ..

I feel the strongest part is the PRE-CHORUS .. the rest of the song is not as strong .. the longer line of the lyrics .. makes the melody a bit weak .. the PRE-CHORUS is a good example where the lyrics fits the melody .. and that gives the song the tightness it needs ..

It's nice song .. needs in my opinion .. some tweaking here and there ..

Cheers ..

[ShinyThang]

Nice song. I enjoyed this one. I love the way you bring the rhythm to the fore at around 2:50 and the way you have constructed that rhythm is brilliant. I think you could make more of that throughout and the song would benefit.

I didn't really understand some of the lyric. 'As I stumbled past his presence' for example and it's rhyming partner line 'For his beauty so pleasant' There are some killer lines in there though ... 'Everything has shattered to stardust', 'Fall away, fall apart' ... 'The trees tumble back and forth' ... all gold!

I am very impressed with the 'space' you've inserted here and there which helps to enhance the following sound. The pre-chorus works beautifully ... 'Fall away, fall apart ...' I'm singing along already. It's more catchy than the actual chorus but that's not a problem.

That lovely fat sounding bass synth swirling under the verses is sumptuous.

Yes, the lyric and music work very well together. This is a very good song. If you want someone else to sing it that's fine but your vocals are good. You have a good voice. A few dropped notes here and there will be ironed out with practice but the main thing is that your voice 'sounds' good to begin with and it fits this sound so, I think it's worth working on a little. I think you have some fairly aggressive pitch correction on your vox? They're making you sound a bit 'Cher' in places I always have pitch correction on a very subtle setting and accept that anything it can't correct I need to get right in the first place. Hark at me trying to pretend I can sing!

Great song. There! At the start of my review it was only a 'nice song' ... many listens later it's a great song! That can only be good.

[Thomas Frederick]

OMG, thank you all so much for you comments, you have no idea how thankful I am!

@terrysains, I appreciate that! I put a lot of thought in to make sure all of the lines truly meant something.

@digger72, good to hear the eerie feeling has been captured well to you! Depeche Mode, wow that is such a compliment, thank you so much! And I'll have to check Fischermans out and maybe PM him or something, haha!

@benjo, thank you so much!

@sciencebase, I see what you mean. I personally like the slow eerieness of this version of the song, but later down the line I'd like to experiment with a harder-hitting version to see how that turns out! Thank you for your feedback!

@Saeed AlSuri thankyou, I like the pre-chorus too. That was one of the main points of the song I really knew the melody for, and the rest just kind of came to me as I was putting the music together, so maybe I need a more concrete melody everywhere else. I agree that it needs some definite tweaking here and there!

@ShinyThang wow thank you for the HUGE comment!
In regards to the lyrics you're slightly confused about; The song in general is about being controlled or maybe manipulated, being someone else's puppet but completely unintentionally. It's more about pleasing other people that you want to impress and getting caught up in doing that. The specific lyrics you're slightly confused about would be about coming across someone I really look up to and wanting to impress them because they're so attractive ("beauty so pleasant") and a confident presence...
As I've said before, the pre-chorus was the main thing I had laid down melody-wise before anything else, so the rest just kind of came to me.
Thank you in regards to the vocals, haha. Omg I have to use pitch correction or else I sound like I'm dying, it's terrible how much I used to be honest. I'll definitely take into account toning it down a little (or maybe even a lot) and seeing how that works out! I think the reason I left a lot of things to be corrected by the pitch-correction thing was because I was so excited to just get this finished, so I'll definitely take my time with it next time


Once again, thank you all so much!

[Mark Ryan]

Hi,
I read the lyrics before listening to the track and liked them. I then listened to the track and got a Completely different tune to what I had envisaged from the lyrics. Unfortunately it didn't work for me I didn't like the melody, and I felt the backing track sounded too computerised. I can hear a rock song here, with some nice overdriven guitars and live drums as opposed to an electronica song. Something in the mould of Sorrow by Pink Floyd maybe. But on the plus side I did like the lyrics, and felt there were some quite clever lines in there. Hope this helps
Mark

[seriousfun]

The lyric is very strong. Some wonderful lines as many others have pointed out. I felt the melody was bland and didn't go anywhere unpredictable. It sounded very  'safe'. This genre of music is not me so it didn't grab me but that's not a criticism just a reason why I cant comment on it - I am simply not qualified and anything I said would be of no value.

Great lyrics, they were the high point for me.

Allan.