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Under a Train - Work in progress

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ShinyThang:
Well, I reckon you've got 95% of a good song there. You made my spine tingle again. I was seriously ill last year and this song reminded me of the two occasions during that time when I thought 'would it really be so bad if I just slipped away now?'. Okay a bit morbid but that seems to be what the song is about. Happily, for me at least, I'm here to tell you that I like this as it is. You could develop it or ... you could leave it pretty much alone. Perhaps mingling 'Free falling' in with the 'I could feel I was crossing over' at the end? and pulling that section out for another 40 seconds or so with a slow build. It could be worth considering. It made an impact on me in its present form (more than I'm going to openly admit to here).

calmlondon:
Thanks ShinyThang, sorry to hear you went through that pain. Hope it didn't rub a still sore spot. Glad you're here with us. I've been there.

I am working on the song with a forum bud.

James Nighthawk:
Bump to the points re dropping the highest part, too adventurous. He hits it but it doesnt sit.

And the whole song seems to be at one level. The is no clear hook or chorus, even subtle. These are great lines and melodies here, but it is dying for a lift to a big ballad style chorus and, well, something...

You have done alot of the hard work though, so push on!

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