The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: montydog on December 05, 2016, 04:33:28 PM
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Hi Folks,
Here is another new song from my CD. It's about someone who is trapped in a conservative, remote community conforming to what is expected of him until one day a flood comes and washes all the old order away and he takes the chance to break free. I'm playing everything except the drums which are a sampled loop. Thanks to Boydie for expertly mastering my final mix. I hope you like it and as always, feedback is much appreciated.
https://soundcloud.com/alan-walker-4/mountain-song
I was born on the dark side of a mountain so high
Spent my first 40 years staring up at the sky
Praying to the lord who sits up above
For the wings of Noah's little white dove
To lift me away from this land of grief and sin
To a far brighter place where the sun's shining in
But nobody heard a single lost word
Just the echoing cries of the Raven bird
There's a bright flash of Blue Jay
Riding on the breeze
He'll fly away tomorrow
As free as he can be
Fences don't hold him
Nor the ties that bind
No chains on his feet
No ink on the line
40 days and 40 nights the rain came pouring down
Filling up the rivers and washing out the towns
Drowning all the places of my darkest memories
My mountain was a prison now the flood has set me free
My father was a preacher with the bible in his hand
He said the flood was coming to sanctify the land
Stood on the river bank praying for our sins
Still reading from the scripture as the water pulled him in
I live alone far from the place of my birth
With the sun on my back and the sweet sacred earth
As winter storm clouds gather overhead
Ghosts of a mountain dark go dancing with the dead
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Wow....I get the honor to post first!!
Hi Alan......first off, I get the cool Bowie vibe from the music, almost immediately ;D 8)
And you vocal rings of Emerson, Lake, and Palmer music........neat stuff!
The harmonizing vocal is really good, and spot on.....Love it. The whole song is something to listen to again and again.
Good stuff, man!
-Tom
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Alan,
One of my favourite tracks, I like the power and imagery. There's the repeating motif, your trademark stops, and although it's mainly acoustic it has a rockier feel to it, and it's all topped off by your lap steel.
Nice one
:)
Neil
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Hi Alan,
All of your songs seem to be very well thought out and crafted. I love the intro which just draws you in gently to the story. There is some lovely guitar and love the organ in the background. Another very good song. As usual, great vocals
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Great intro Alan...! Something really different from you here...I really like the atmosphere and rhythm guitars...it all comes together really well. The organ is also tasteful and adds another great layer...and then the bass and omg...the slide solo!!!! In other words, it all sounds fantastically original and well...cool.
Good subject matter as well...wonderful stuff.
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I love the way youre getting adventurous & developing your sound Allan & your lyrical themes have realy moved on ...i dont think Noah was a american hobo ;D
if this is already on your cd then I better be careful suggesting improvements ,I dont want you burning 200 cds because of me!
I liked the organ ...wasnt so keen on the backing vocals & absolutely adored the dobro with the reverb ..that was fabulous & I can see dave gilmour getting one after hearing this
I was going to say at 5.04 it was too long but im worried about the burning plastics effect on the atmosphere so I wont mention it ok ;D
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Yo Alan.
Your songs are like fine wine,man,you just get better and better. 8)
Epic in a King Crimson way,when Greg Lake was the singer...just BIG.
This is the second song recently that has the dark vibe of Lindisfarne's Lady Eleanor,the other was TheButcher's last song.
Lovely,tasteful slide sets the theme perfectly. It blew me away and it's on my playlist.
Masterful job by Boydie in bringing out the best,everything is crystal clear and defined.
Ta for the share Alan. :)
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Hi Alan, I feel you are being more adventurous in your writing and arrangements which I like. The chord structures go into territory that is new for you and the only slight nit for me is that your vocals sound a little uncertain in areas!?That's a surprise for me as your vocals are normally spot on.....But I really like the direction you're moving in.
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
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Hi Alan - what? Drums in a montydog song? No way! ;D ;D
Sounds good to me - like the big feel to this and of course the guitar work and vocals.
Lyrically good too - except for one tiny spot - adding "bird" after the word "raven" seemed like it was overstating the obvious :) but prob just me :)
That nit aside I enjoyed the listen - your CD must be damn good if this is the standard on it.
Paul
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Hey Monty.
Good work on this one - a super set of lyrics. If I had to be super critical I thought that there was going to be a "bird" symbolism all the way through - we had dove, ravens, and blue-jays right at the beginning, then no more birds (chorus aside). Nothing wrong with that, it just felt like something was going to happen lyrically and then it didn't.
I can't criticise the music, the playing, or the song - all very good. But it just feels a little too nice to me. I'm a sucker for lyrics about floods and sanctifying preachers and floods but I like to hear the grit and hell-fire and feel the shiver of the ghosts. I think the beautiful harmonies and lush guitar add to this niceness - for example, the percussion only section is spot on vocally, but I want to be scared and moved at that moment, rather than reassured. But it's a very personal opinion and the whole thing is very professionally written, recorded, and produced.
Cheers
Derek
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Great concept and loved the organ and guitar (slide?). The bird theme is nicely worked in too.
Sometimes I thought the BVs were a little too constant and you might have let them come and go a bit more. One thing that struck me in the lyrics were all the rhymes which I thought weren't always needed - for an edgy and dramatic song perhaps some more off balance rhymes or no rhymes could add to the tension?
But the atmosphere and build seem really effective and really tell the story. Great sounding track.
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Oops, I thought I'd already commented on this but apparently not.
Wow! This is my kind of music and it has it all. Beautiful and poetic lyrics, arrangement, instrumentation, playing and everything. Your vocals are perfect for it and the slide in the latter part just knocked me out. Damn, I need to get back to practise my slide playing.
Very impressive songwriting and performance.
Really great stuff!
Cheers,
S
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So much going on here - love the way you cut the instrumentation to pure percussion and bass, the slide is great too. As well Greg Lake I hear Dave Gilmour in your voice, this song would sit easy in Rattle That Lock. Beautifully played and produced.
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Hello everyone,
It's thank you time to all who took the time and trouble to listen and comment/make suggestions.
So much going on here - love the way you cut the instrumentation to pure percussion and bass, the slide is great too. As well Greg Lake I hear Dave Gilmour in your voice, this song would sit easy in Rattle That Lock. Beautifully played and produced.
Thank you Bill - some very flattering comparisons. The playing and production is the result of many hours of repeated failure finally standing in for ability.
Oops, I thought I'd already commented on this but apparently not.
Wow! This is my kind of music and it has it all. Beautiful and poetic lyrics, arrangement, instrumentation, playing and everything. Your vocals are perfect for it and the slide in the latter part just knocked me out. Damn, I need to get back to practise my slide playing.
Very impressive songwriting and performance.
Really great stuff!
Cheers,
S
S - you are a gentleman sir. I appreciate your warm words.
Great concept and loved the organ and guitar (slide?). The bird theme is nicely worked in too.
Sometimes I thought the BVs were a little too constant and you might have let them come and go a bit more. One thing that struck me in the lyrics were all the rhymes which I thought weren't always needed - for an edgy and dramatic song perhaps some more off balance rhymes or no rhymes could add to the tension?
But the atmosphere and build seem really effective and really tell the story. Great sounding track.
Hi Adam,
The slide guitar is actually a resophonic slide guitar or dobro which wood bodied and played lapstyle with fingerpicks and a metal bar. I'm not sure about it rhyming too well - is that possible? Anyhow, glad you liked the track.
Hey Monty.
Good work on this one - a super set of lyrics. If I had to be super critical I thought that there was going to be a "bird" symbolism all the way through - we had dove, ravens, and blue-jays right at the beginning, then no more birds (chorus aside). Nothing wrong with that, it just felt like something was going to happen lyrically and then it didn't.
I can't criticise the music, the playing, or the song - all very good. But it just feels a little too nice to me. I'm a sucker for lyrics about floods and sanctifying preachers and floods but I like to hear the grit and hell-fire and feel the shiver of the ghosts. I think the beautiful harmonies and lush guitar add to this niceness - for example, the percussion only section is spot on vocally, but I want to be scared and moved at that moment, rather than reassured. But it's a very personal opinion and the whole thing is very professionally written, recorded, and produced.
Cheers
Derek
Hi Derek,
Thanks for listening. TBH this is the most threatening and aggressive piece of music I can come up with and I thought the menace of the slide at the beginning along with the pounding bass and heavy drums was quite effective - ho hum!
Hi Alan - what? Drums in a montydog song? No way! ;D ;D
Sounds good to me - like the big feel to this and of course the guitar work and vocals.
Lyrically good too - except for one tiny spot - adding "bird" after the word "raven" seemed like it was overstating the obvious :) but prob just me :)
That nit aside I enjoyed the listen - your CD must be damn good if this is the standard on it.
Paul
Hi Paul and thanks for the comments - I've had drums on most of my tracks for the last couple of years - you really must pay more attention :-)
Hi Alan, I feel you are being more adventurous in your writing and arrangements which I like. The chord structures go into territory that is new for you and the only slight nit for me is that your vocals sound a little uncertain in areas!?That's a surprise for me as your vocals are normally spot on.....But I really like the direction you're moving in.
Nice one!
Cheers
Jamie
Thanks Jamie. You are perceptive about the vocals - the first line took me around 40 takes to get to that standard. It was a bloody nightmare! It's not perfect but it's as good aas I could do. I'm pleased you liked the track and that you have noticed that I am trying to ring the changes.
Yo Alan.
Your songs are like fine wine,man,you just get better and better. 8)
Epic in a King Crimson way,when Greg Lake was the singer...just BIG.
This is the second song recently that has the dark vibe of Lindisfarne's Lady Eleanor,the other was TheButcher's last song.
Lovely,tasteful slide sets the theme perfectly. It blew me away and it's on my playlist.
Masterful job by Boydie in bringing out the best,everything is crystal clear and defined.
Ta for the share Alan. :)
Skub - I'm knocked out that you added the song to your playlist - I really appreciate your comments as I know we share similar taste in music. King Crimson is a comparison I've not heard before - I'll add it to the list. Many thanks.
I love the way youre getting adventurous & developing your sound Allan & your lyrical themes have realy moved on ...i dont think Noah was a american hobo ;D
if this is already on your cd then I better be careful suggesting improvements ,I dont want you burning 200 cds because of me!
I liked the organ ...wasnt so keen on the backing vocals & absolutely adored the dobro with the reverb ..that was fabulous & I can see dave gilmour getting one after hearing this
I was going to say at 5.04 it was too long but im worried about the burning plastics effect on the atmosphere so I wont mention it ok ;D
Hi Tina,
Don't worry about the CDs getting burned - even though I can't make changes at this stage, all the comments are taken on board and come into play on the next recordings.
You're the second person who has compared the slide playing to David Gilmour which is frankly crazy - the guy is a God and I'm just scratching at the surface. I'm pleased that you like the move away from the lonely hobo theme. Very few of my songs are about that but once the pigeon hole has been constructed......
Great intro Alan...! Something really different from you here...I really like the atmosphere and rhythm guitars...it all comes together really well. The organ is also tasteful and adds another great layer...and then the bass and omg...the slide solo!!!! In other words, it all sounds fantastically original and well...cool.
Good subject matter as well...wonderful stuff.
Thank you Martyn - I appreciate your comments on the atmosphere and the playing. I put more time into this track than anything I've ever recorded so it's encouraging to hear that it's paid off.
Hi Alan,
All of your songs seem to be very well thought out and crafted. I love the intro which just draws you in gently to the story. There is some lovely guitar and love the organ in the background. Another very good song. As usual, great vocals
Thanks, pompeyjazz. Your comments on my songwriting are appreciated very much. I'm glad you liked the intro - I was pretty pleased with the way it turned out.
Alan,
One of my favourite tracks, I like the power and imagery. There's the repeating motif, your trademark stops, and although it's mainly acoustic it has a rockier feel to it, and it's all topped off by your lap steel.
Nice one
:)
Neil
Thanks Neil - always great to hear your thoughts. I think the rockier feel is probably down to the galloping bass and drums which sets the tone.
Wow....I get the honor to post first!!
Hi Alan......first off, I get the cool Bowie vibe from the music, almost immediately ;D 8)
And you vocal rings of Emerson, Lake, and Palmer music........neat stuff!
The harmonizing vocal is really good, and spot on.....Love it. The whole song is something to listen to again and again.
Good stuff, man!
-Tom
Tom - many thanks. Your positive comments mean a lot as I think you're one of the best musicians on this forum. You're the second person to mention ELP which is just so weird it's not true!
Once again, thank you everybody.
M
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Thought I'd commented on this but confused myself by commenting on your SC page..easily done ::)
love the intro, reckon the harmonies (your wife I beleive ) are a bit low and it seemed a little boomy but nevertheless a stonkingly good song and sound..well done mate!!
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There's a great overall sound and production to this, it's intimate and epic at the same time. It gives the alone on a mountain vibe to me.
I particularly liked the Dobro type solo's very nicely played and it sounds wonderful.
Nice work.
Yodasdad
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another very classy track from you, Alan...sumptuous sounds and great lyrics too
not the sort of thing i generally listen to...and i'm unfamiliar with the things that it reminds people of...
but my ignorance didn't spoil my enjoyment of it
is the next track on the CD "Molehill Song" :D ?
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Hey!
The song really screams David Bowie :-D
I love the lyrics, very clever written!
The organ sets a great tone to the instrumentation and song as a whole and this slide guitar in the bridge is pure genius.
Really great work, this song would definitly deserve a bigger audience!
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Hi,
Very nice song and good song, excellent guitar sound and chord progression.
I love the sound of the organ.
I think the drums are too behind in the mix.
Good stuff!
refusedrevival
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Hi Alan,
Fantastic intro - drips forboding - it did make me expect a darker sounding song.
The guitar and organ sound great together.
Loved the solo.
The vocal suited the mood of the song - though I wouldn't have minded a bit more edge to it. You're just too silky smooth!! :)
Very classy write.
Merry Christmas.
Digger
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Liked the overall sound of the song but I think for what is quite a long song I'd like some kind of change of chords somewhere rather than repeating the same. Also the instrumental bit could do with a change of drums and perhaps a solo over the top?
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I loved the lyric. I liked the music. The vocal was perfect to my ears.
I'd have liked two things from the lyric.
1. I'd like for the preacher to be unrelated to the singer/protagonist. In my mind, the statement made by that verse is better made without the intimate, personal, blood relationship, but with an unrelated preacher symbol. As it was, I wondered how the singer/protagonist could so casually and (seemingly) unemotionally describe that scene.
2. I'd like the flood to be a little less literal and more vaguely presented . . . so that each listener can decide for him/herself whether it is a literal, or figurative flood. I'm (as a listener) nearly always more excited to wonder than to know.
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MONTY ;D ;D WTF ;D ;D
I did not expect that ;D
I'm stunned....overwhelmed, and very very
impressed ;D
Is that a pedal steel or lap steel.....or what ;D
My only thought was that the intro was just amazing,
very hooky....you should use that more. I think you
should embrace the 'wierdness' your getting with the
gtr...and maybe 'process' the naked vocal in the break
a bit.
Very creative/imaginative etc etc......love it ;D ;D
MERRY CHRISTMAS
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This has an ethereal, haunting sound that suits the subject matter well. Since it's about a flood, though, I thought there might be some crashing sounds somewhere, reminiscent of thunder.
Otherwise, I don't actually have any nits. And other people have said all the good stuff already. ;) I like the way the words and the melody fit together; I don't think I would change anything there.
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Hey Alan,
Sorry I seemed to miss this earlier.
Really cool lyrics. I generally have a read before listening and I'm here thinking how cool it is that it's talking about a religious fable but the natural rhythm is quite juxtapositioned from what you'd expect given the topic. So excited to listen and see how that pans out.
And damn you nailed it! Not sure if I've heard any of your stuff before I really enjoy your vocals. Digging the bridge too great bit of work on the guitar there.
Really enjoy the hearing the first line of each verse which dragged me back to the forefront each time, fantastic melody there. Some of them seemed more powerful than others though ("I was born on the...", "40 days and 40 nights..." and "My father was a preacher...") but not sure why.
Quite an enjoyable listen indeed.
Thanks for sharing,
Scott.
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Great song. Can't add to the comments already but my twopence for what it's worth is that the title doesn't do the song justice. Minor point I know but my suggestion for changing would be changing it to "Noah's little white dove" which gives it a more interesting and less generic sounding title.
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Helo fellow forumites and Happy New Year!
This song seems to have had a second wind so thanks again to all who commented later.
Great song. Can't add to the comments already but my twopence for what it's worth is that the title doesn't do the song justice. Minor point I know but my suggestion for changing would be changing it to "Noah's little white dove" which gives it a more interesting and less generic sounding title.
Hi Micky,
Fair point. it's not the most original title in the world.
Hey Alan,
Sorry I seemed to miss this earlier.
Really cool lyrics. I generally have a read before listening and I'm here thinking how cool it is that it's talking about a religious fable but the natural rhythm is quite juxtapositioned from what you'd expect given the topic. So excited to listen and see how that pans out.
And damn you nailed it! Not sure if I've heard any of your stuff before I really enjoy your vocals. Digging the bridge too great bit of work on the guitar there.
Really enjoy the hearing the first line of each verse which dragged me back to the forefront each time, fantastic melody there. Some of them seemed more powerful than others though ("I was born on the...", "40 days and 40 nights..." and "My father was a preacher...") but not sure why.
Quite an enjoyable listen indeed.
Thanks for sharing,
Scott.
Thanks Scott - I appreciate your comments.
This has an ethereal, haunting sound that suits the subject matter well. Since it's about a flood, though, I thought there might be some crashing sounds somewhere, reminiscent of thunder.
Otherwise, I don't actually have any nits. And other people have said all the good stuff already. ;) I like the way the words and the melody fit together; I don't think I would change anything there.
Hi Vicki,
Thanks for taking the time to listen and comment. Sound effects is a difficult one. I used them on "Boats" and many didn't like them. You can't please everyone.... :-)
MONTY ;D ;D WTF ;D ;D
I did not expect that ;D
I'm stunned....overwhelmed, and very very
impressed ;D
Is that a pedal steel or lap steel.....or what ;D
My only thought was that the intro was just amazing,
very hooky....you should use that more. I think you
should embrace the 'wierdness' your getting with the
gtr...and maybe 'process' the naked vocal in the break
a bit.
Very creative/imaginative etc etc......love it ;D ;D
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thanks a million Bin, your comments knocked me out. The guitar is a resophonic slide guitar or "dobro" which is played lapstyle. It's wood bodied and played with fingerpicks and a metal bar slide.
I loved the lyric. I liked the music. The vocal was perfect to my ears.
I'd have liked two things from the lyric.
1. I'd like for the preacher to be unrelated to the singer/protagonist. In my mind, the statement made by that verse is better made without the intimate, personal, blood relationship, but with an unrelated preacher symbol. As it was, I wondered how the singer/protagonist could so casually and (seemingly) unemotionally describe that scene.
2. I'd like the flood to be a little less literal and more vaguely presented . . . so that each listener can decide for him/herself whether it is a literal, or figurative flood. I'm (as a listener) nearly always more excited to wonder than to know.
Hi,
Thanks for taking the time and for your thoughtful comments. This was a family which kept our hero trapped by convention and custom - he didn't like his father so there was no sadness when the flood took him. As for a less literal flood - it's a good idea but may have been harder to put in images which is what I like to do.
Liked the overall sound of the song but I think for what is quite a long song I'd like some kind of change of chords somewhere rather than repeating the same. Also the instrumental bit could do with a change of drums and perhaps a solo over the top?
Hi,
Thanks for commenting. There were actually 3 separate parts, all with different chord sequences and there were 2 separate slide solos over the instrumental parts so i'm frankly baffled....:-( The drums dropped in and out as well.....
Hi Alan,
Fantastic intro - drips forboding - it did make me expect a darker sounding song.
The guitar and organ sound great together.
Loved the solo.
The vocal suited the mood of the song - though I wouldn't have minded a bit more edge to it. You're just too silky smooth!! :)
Very classy write.
Merry Christmas.
Digger
Hi digger,
Many thanks for your kind words - perhaps I could take up smoking again to get a bit more grit in my voice!
Hi,
Very nice song and good song, excellent guitar sound and chord progression.
I love the sound of the organ.
I think the drums are too behind in the mix.
Good stuff!
refusedrevival
Hey, thanks for the compliments. I don't like prominent drums - it's just one of my foibles!
Hey!
The song really screams David Bowie :-D
I love the lyrics, very clever written!
The organ sets a great tone to the instrumentation and song as a whole and this slide guitar in the bridge is pure genius.
Really great work, this song would definitly deserve a bigger audience!
Wow! Your comments made my day but I'm really struggling with the David Bowie comparison. He was actually pretty talented whereas........
another very classy track from you, Alan...sumptuous sounds and great lyrics too
not the sort of thing i generally listen to...and i'm unfamiliar with the things that it reminds people of...
but my ignorance didn't spoil my enjoyment of it
is the next track on the CD "Molehill Song" :D ?
Thank you Paul. I'm pleased that you enjoyed the song even though it's not your genre. LOL about the Molehill.
There's a great overall sound and production to this, it's intimate and epic at the same time. It gives the alone on a mountain vibe to me.
I particularly liked the Dobro type solo's very nicely played and it sounds wonderful.
Nice work.
Yodasdad
Thanks for your comments particularly the dobro playing - it's amazing what a lot of time and some reverb can do!
Once again thank you all and I look forward to listening to the music on this great forum over the next 12 months
M
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Wow, great intro, really sets the mood. Really enjoyed the lyrics (and the vocals of course). As far as I can remember most of the stuff I've heard from you have been 1+1 songs or at least pretty bare bone but this more "extended" format works extremelly well too. Next thing we know you may be blasting a Les Paul through a Marshall stack? :-)
I really enjoyed this song so my only nits would be regarding the production (and that is as always down to personal preferences). To me the bass is too up front (never thought I would say that) and the same goes for the organ. The drums are thus to far back (and the snare could use a fuller sound with more "body"). An alternative mix in this fashion would be stellar me think.
Well done!
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Hi MD. Had another listen as reading my earlier comment it did seem a bit harsh and on subsequent listens I'm not entirely sure what I was talking about either.... Should have said that I did actually quite like the song, especially the intro. It's got a good sound, always like a guitar and organ combo. Dunno about Bowie - sounds more Pink Floyd to me but I guess we could debate that till the cows come home... :)
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WOW, Alan! what a fantastic write :o I can see why this was picked for SOTM :o Good luck
Very good intro, and of course I was totally drawn into the story behind your beautiful poetry :)
I love the steel string(if that's what it is) and the melody, and the vocals, and the harmonies...there's nothing I didn't love about this track, and so well produced as well :) Thanks for sharing!