The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: mikek on February 16, 2017, 01:44:44 AM
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moving this to finished, because it's probably as good as i can get without professional help.
http://thebonanzalunchbox.bandcamp.com/track/damned-or-damaged
i wrote this during the heat of the 2016 US Presidential election cycle
lyrics
we say we want freedom as we put more shackles on
we say we want peace not war as we lay the army whore
the useful things that we don't need
like all these books we'll never read
we win the fight but still concede
we're so damned if we don't and damaged if we do
we say we want true love and then we lock our door
we say we gonna rise above as we're wallowing on the floor
everybody must hate fun
we're laying down when we could run
we're making love and buying guns
we're so damned if we don't and damaged if we do
i'm tired but i can't sleep
hungry can't eat
and i'm wired aren't we all wired to wail and weep?
we say we wanna feed the poor and then we kick em down
we say everyone's all the same except for black and brown
the simple things we complicate
like all gods children filled with hate
in his name we desecrate
w're so damned if we don't and damaged if we do
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Great lyrics reflecting all the crap that's going on at the moment, the hypocrisy and how our best intentions so often come to nothing. Echoes many of my own sentiments far better than I feel I do. I like the stripped back feel of it that suits the subject matter - is that a real tambourine you play ?
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Yo mikek.
A very Tom Petty sounding song,which is fine with me since I'm a big fan of mister P.
A succinct message in a very approachable song. 8)
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Hey,
Inspired and inspirational. The lyrics are thought provoking and very eloquent I especially like this line;
and i'm wired aren't we all wired to wail and weep?
...simply superb!
I don't want to steel Skub's thunder but I do get the Tom Petty comment - but it's YOUR voice that says it all, very well imho - as such I don't think you need 'professional help' indeed, I think over-producing this may 'get in the way' as it has such an honest vibe throughout.
Phil
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Great lyrics and reflecting the feelings of many I am sure. Beautifully written.
Well sung, good rhythm guitar playing and well recorded, and worthy of the tweaking you've done to get to this stage - not sure how much the professional help you mention would add!
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You don't need no steenking professional help my friend...this works as is!!!
best, Kevin :)
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Brilliant. Nothing to more to say...
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Really great stuff Mike. Fantastic protest song. Lyrics are absolutely spot on. Wonderful
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Yep, agree with all comments so far. No need for more tweaking - the simplicity of the message is well supported by the simplicity of production.
You mean Trump didn't invite you to sing last month?
cheers,
L
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Something quite powerful about such a simple song. The lyrics absolutely tell such a story and an opinion that resonates with a lot of people.
A catchy hook, found myself humming along by the second chorus.
Vocal delivered well and honestly, works perfectly with the song.
Something about the little rhythm just after the bridge but before the third verse made me smile!
I wasn't sure about the tambourine initially, but by the end I was convinced it fit well.
I appreciate the stripped back simplicity of this, though I wonder if that will alienate other listeners. I must admit I wasn't convinced I would like this once I twigged there would be only one instrument, but everything worked so damn well I couldn't help but love it!
Wish I could say something more constructive but I'm aware I am not well-versed in this genre, and an increase in production values, effects, etc. would only muddy the song and it's power, I believe.
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Agree with all the comments, this is very well written and the sparse production is perfect, allowing the lyrics to tell the tale (plus some nice subtle guitar changes in the bridge).
Great job well done!
Kevin
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i appreciate all the feedback and comments. thank you!
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Hi, I too get the tom petty vibe, not a bad thing! Interesting take on the current f****d up world we are living in. Performed very nicely too!
Cheers
Jamie
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Mike, this such a cool song. I can imagine a band production but it really is cool presented with guitar and vocal. I'm not too sure about the tambourine but as a song, there is nothing here to dislike.
Well done
Paul
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i'm not too sure of the tambourine either, haha. i was searching for some way to add another element to the chorus. not sure i've found it yet. thanks for the comment!
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Not what I was expecting...
I like the way you manage to pull so much from just guitar and voice, and what an interesting voice you have,
This sounds original and ever so familiar at the same time. I suppose that's just the right combination.
Nice contrast between the sections and very singable, although I'm not sure everyone could pull it off.
Good work.
Yodasdad.
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Mike,
Good title, liked the lyrics. Tune and vocals all working well.
A bit of Tim Petty in there too.
:)
Neil
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Hi Mike,
Great vibe.
The lyrics are spot on and delivered very well. I too got Petty.
Classy guitar work - sounds simple, but there is more going on than may first appear.
Good stuff.
Digger
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Very well thought out lyrics here Mike
I have listened to it a few times now and think maybe a quiet bass guitar in background would maybe make it a more solid sound also the only other nit is when you sing the word "weep" that grated on me
Hey only my thoughts
cheers
Helen
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This is a perfect example of ensuring that "production" supports the song
I am not sure a "professional production" would improve this song - there is something about the honesty of the lyric and performance that I fear would be lost with a fuller production
Gorgeous song and performance!
well done
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This is great. Your guitar playing and voice are full of hooks. Do you have an idea of what you would like a professional to improve - are we talking additional instrumentation? Maybe a small bit of bass could do something on the chorus, possibly doubling the voice melody - might not work, just an idea, and it's important to state that this version is excellent as it is, it has enough variation to be continually interesting.
Lyrically, political songs aren't my thing, but you have a wealth of pointed images here and I like that you manage to come across as frustrated and worried rather than preachy. I didn't quite get 'everybody must hate fun', but loved 'damned if we don't and damaged if we do'.