[irwin]

Any advice I'll welcome!. Need feedback.

When I Got Home
© 2015 Irwin Abrigo

(1st verse)
She, open the door
When I got home
When I got home from work
Didn't want to talk
Saw that smile on her face
Just wanna be
Wrapped up in my warm embrace

(Chorus)
She don't want to talk
About our problems
Many years we've try
But hadn't solve them
She knew all along
When I got home from work
She will be in my arms

(2nd verse)
There, ain't any way
I would believe
Anything she would say
Said what you're doing
Wasting your life Away
I'm Writing dreaming
I will be a millionaire

(Chorus)
She don't want to talk
About our problems
Many years we've try
But hadn't solve them
She knew all along
When I got home from work
She will be in my arms

(bridge)
To make ends meet
She got a job in the fall
Our life’s not the way it suppose to be
She talked about it all
We have no time to fight
So we had decided
We have to do what's right
Not to talk about it
Anymore, no
-
(Verse 3)
I, open the door
when she got home
when she got home from work
Has on my working clothes
Greeted each other with a kiss
I'm working night
she's working on a day shift

(Chorus)
We don't want to talk
About our problems
Many years we've try
But hadn't solve them
We knew all along
When we got home from work
We will be in each other arms

When we got home from work
We will be in each other arms

[Marrianna]

Hi Irwin,

Do you mind if I make some slight changes to your first verse?

She opened the door
When I got home
When I got home from work
.......
Didn't want to talk
Saw that smile on her face
Just wanna be
Wrapped up in her warm embrace

There could be some words for line 4?

I could help with the other verses if you would like me to but didn't want to go on just in case you prefer it is all your own work.
I don't mind.

Marrianna

[irwin]

Hi Irwin,

Do you mind if I make some slight changes to your first verse?

She opened the door
When I got home
When I got home from work
.......
Didn't want to talk
Saw that smile on her face
Just wanna be
Wrapped up in her warm embrace

There could be some words for line 4?

I could help with the other verses if you would like me to but didn't want to go on just in case you prefer it is all your own work.
I don't mind.

Marrianna

Marrianna, If you are feeling or seeing  things you can do to make this song better, please feel free and go right ahead. Yes!

[hardtwistmusic]

Very nice concept.   The two of them (or the two of you) growing together through the passage of time and facing adversity together. 

She begins the relationship as a princess wishing to be carried through life, and grows into a partner.  Love holds them together long enough for maturity to kick in. 

Do I have that right?   

If so, it needs to be just a tiny bit clearer that this is happening over time and is a maturation process. 

Not a LOT clearer.  It insults an audience to have too much explained to them.  The trick is to give them just enough to figure it out for themselves so that they feel smart for having gotten it. 

A great lyrical story leaves every member of the audience thinking he/she figured it out and maybe no one else did. 

This can be such a great lyrical story.  Keep working it and put yourself in the listener's shoes.  The hardest thing about telling lyrical stories is that (as the writer) YOU know what you mean.  Getting "outside your own head" so that you can tell how someone not privy to your ideas would "hear it" is one of the great balancing acts required from songwriting.

I'm convinced this can become a great song. 

[irwin]

Very nice concept.   The two of them (or the two of you) growing together through the passage of time and facing adversity together.  

She begins the relationship as a princess wishing to be carried through life, and grows into a partner.  Love holds them together long enough for maturity to kick in.  

Do I have that right?  

  

Yes hardtwistmusic, you are right.  If you are convinced this can become a great song. I do hope that other members would feel the same way too.

Thanks very much for the reply and I hope for us to some day write together a lyric/song.

Irwin

[hardtwistmusic]

Thanks very much for the reply and I hope for us to some day write together a lyric/song.

Irwin

I'd be more than happy to collaborate with you.  I have all kinds of projects doing nothing because they require a musical mind different than my own.  I have lyrics waiting for music, (a lot of them) music looking for lyrics (a few of them) and a lot of songs that could simply use a fresh set of ears and a new direction that I can't take them. 

I love how different your "direction" is from mine.  I would love to collaborate.  Just let me know.

[PeeJay]

Hi,

When i first read this i thought they were trying to avoid each other. But it seems they are getting a little romance in the switch over between shifts maybe? Meeting in the middle so to speak.

Then again, i could be wrong!

Nice one,

Phil.

[Marrianna]

Hi Irwin,

These are some changes mainly in the layout of your lyrics and maybe to go with a Reggae rhythm.
I hope this may be of help but don't worry if not .. I don't mind

When I Got Home (From Work)

v1
She opened the door
When I got home
When I got home from work
Oh, oh, oh
Didn’t want to talk
Saw that smile on her face
Just wanted to be
Wrapped up in my warm embrace

(Chorus optional here)

v2
There ain’t any way
I would believe
Anything she’d say
Oh, oh, oh
Said what you’re doing
Wasting your life away
She said writing, dreaming
I’ll be a millionaire

Chorus
But she don’t wanna talk
Talk about our problems
For many years we’ve tried
But haven’t solved them yet

v3
I opened the door
When she got home
When she got home from work
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Wearing working clothes
Greeted each other with a kiss
I’m working nights
And she’s on a day - ay shift

Bridge
To make ends meet .. She got a job in the Fall
Our life’s not what it’s meant to be .. She talked about it all

Chorus and end
But we don’t wanna talk,
Talk about our problems
Many years we’ve tried
But haven’t solved them yet
We knew all along, when we got home from work
We’d be in each other’s arms
And we don’t wanna talk, we don’t wanna talk ..
When we got home from work ..

End .. No time to fight,
         We need to do what’s right …
        
         When we got home from work
         We'd still be ..  in each other's arms

Maybe you will want to add or change lines etc but hope this can help you.

With Best Wishes
Marrianna

and sorry for the delay. I had some catching up to do.

[irwin]

Thanks very much for the reply and I hope for us to some day write together a lyric/song.

Irwin

 I would love to collaborate.  Just let me know.

Sorry for taking so long to reply.I will be in touch with you for us to work together soon.

[irwin]

Hi,

When i first read this i thought they were trying to avoid each other. But it seems they are getting a little romance in the switch over between shifts maybe? Meeting in the middle so to speak.

Then again, i could be wrong!

Nice one,

Phil.

PeeJay, you are all right they are having a little romance in the switch over between shifts.

Thanks for the reply.

[irwin]

Marrianna, I will get back and reply to your post. I just can't reply at this moment. Please understand.

[irwin]

Hi Irwin,

These are some changes mainly in the layout of your lyrics and maybe to go with a Reggae rhythm.
I hope this may be of help but don't worry if not .. I don't mind

When I Got Home (From Work)

v1
She opened the door
When I got home
When I got home from work
Oh, oh, oh
Didn’t want to talk
Saw that smile on her face
Just wanted to be
Wrapped up in my warm embrace

(Chorus optional here)

v2
There ain’t any way
I would believe
Anything she’d say
Oh, oh, oh
Said what you’re doing
Wasting your life away
She said writing, dreaming
I’ll be a millionaire

Chorus
But she don’t wanna talk
Talk about our problems
For many years we’ve tried
But haven’t solved them yet

v3
I opened the door
When she got home
When she got home from work
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Wearing working clothes
Greeted each other with a kiss
I’m working nights
And she’s on a day - ay shift

Bridge
To make ends meet .. She got a job in the Fall
Our life’s not what it’s meant to be .. She talked about it all

Chorus and end
But we don’t wanna talk,
Talk about our problems
Many years we’ve tried
But haven’t solved them yet
We knew all along, when we got home from work
We’d be in each other’s arms
And we don’t wanna talk, we don’t wanna talk ..
When we got home from work ..

End .. No time to fight,
         We need to do what’s right …
        
         When we got home from work
         We'd still be ..  in each other's arms

Maybe you will want to add or change lines etc but hope this can help you.

With Best Wishes
Marrianna

and sorry for the delay. I had some catching up to do.

The delay was long, sorry about that. I'll get to the song right away.

I like the way you have edited my song lyric and would love to hear your version of the song (melody). It would be interesting to hear the part ( Oh, oh, oh, oh) and the 4 line Bridge after the 3rd verse.

I Thought I should post this version of my first lay out of this song lyric. Please read below:


When I Got Home
© 2015 Irwin Abrigo

(1st verse)
She open the door when I got home from work
Saw that smile on her face
Didn't want to talk
Just wanna be wrapped up in my warm embrace

(Chorus)
She don't want to talk about our problems
Many years we've try but hadn't solve them
She knew
all along
When I got home from work
She will be in my arms

(2nd verse)
I would believe her anything ways
I'm a dreamer that's what she'd  say
Wasting your life Away
I'm Writing dreaming I will be a millionaire

(Chorus)
She don't want to talk about our problems
Many years we've try but hadn't solve them
She knew
all along
When I got home from work
She will be in my arms

(bridge)
To make ends meet
She got a job in the fall
Our life’s not the way it suppose to be
She talked about it all
We have no time to fight
So we had decided
We have to do what's right
Not to talk about it
Anymore, no
-
(Verse 3)
I open the door when she got home from work
Greeted each other with a kiss
Have on my working clothes
I'm working night she's working on a day shift

(Chorus)
We don't want to talk about our problems
Many years we've try but hadn't solve them
We knew
all along
When we got home from work
We will be in each other arms

When we got home from work
We will be in each other arms