[Paulski]

Hi guys - trying a different POV on this one. Let me know if it works or not

My Human
Copyright 2016 Tennyson Road Music

BOF

My human taps away
He knows what he is doing
Moves my little mouse about
Eyes glued to my screen
So important
So important
The things that he is proving

My human spends his days
On documents and spreadsheets
Together making memories
And the world a better place
Another file
Another file
Copy, Paste, and Save

{br-1}
My human has a heart
My human has emotions
(According to my sources)

My human leaves at five
Comes back in at eight
Wakes me up - his fingers fly,
Tap out a better place
Another day
Another day
Salvation's on its way

{br-2}
My, human - where's your heart?
I hope someday you'll notice,
Tap us out a better world
And bring salvation closer

My human taps away
Those things that he is proving
So important
So important
He knows what he is doing

EOF

[CaliaMoko]

Intriguing concept. I think it has definite potential, but this lyric doesn't click with me right away. That's probably just me, though. Others may see it a lot differently. I think if I was going to write a lyric from this point of view, I would take a more remote approach. Like, as if the computer saw the human as disembodied parts. Feeling fingers tapping, cursor moving, eyes "touching" the screen.

However, that wouldn't suit your topic, because my computer isn't thinking about feelings/emotions, which is where you're going. So, probably just ignore me. I just had to say something, because of your novel idea, which does appeal to me.

Vicki

[Arkwright]

Sorry Paul, just not getting this one...

I'm all for finding original topics to write about and this is certainly original, but it's just not very interesting I'm afraid.

I've read it several times thinking I must have missed something because you usually nail it with your storylines, but no matter how hard I try I simply can't get excited by it.

Maybe it's because I don't find computers in the least interesting at the best of times, so I certainly have no interest hearing them referenced in a song.

In terms of flow, structure etc everything seems good, just the subject matter lets it down for me.

Sorry if that all sounds a bit negative, but I know you wouldn't want me to lie for the sake of your ego 

[Reece!]

I like the concept, it's different. However, I kind of find it hard to connect with it general and it puts me off it. But I like that it's different. Definitely stands out.

[hardtwistmusic]

I read all the reviews.  I connected with the lyric, but I can see where the others failed to. 

My opinion is that it's missing an "angle" or perspective that allows it to speak more clearly to more people. 

I definitely don't think you should give up on it.  It's got huge potential imo.  Somehow (as I think about it) you've got to "humanize" the computer.  Give it some emotional attachment to the human instead of leaving it an observer.  INVOLVE the computer in the human's life somehow.  I understand that's a tall order. 

If it were my lyric, I'd set it aside for a month or so, and return periodically to see if something doesn't jump out at me. 

[CaliaMoko]

I agree with Verlon. I can just picture something like....

Oo, baby, I love it when you caress my keys
And wiggle that mouse, yeah, you're such a tease....

[CaliaMoko]

You know I'm kidding, right??

[Paulski]

Hi guys

Some interesting reactions to this one
My day job is in IT and I was just thinking one day, what would my computer be thinking about if it could think and this came out  .  Guess you had to be there BTW I don't mind at all when someone says they're not connecting to a lyric. This might be one of those cases where the audience is limited.. My thoughts are it will be sung in a "computer" voice if that helps  .

thanks everyone 
Paul

[PaulAds]

Hello Paul and the guys...

I did something kind of similar a few months back...

http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/song-reviews/ltcontrol-alt-deletegt-warningcontains-novelty-item/

I used Apple's "Siri" voice to "sing" the lyrics...that was fun to put together!

[Sing4me88]

I like this one. It's an intriguing, tongue-in-cheek concept fo'sure. The lyric has a nice easy flow to it. Really like the effective use of short, catchy repetitive lines at the end of each verse - could be really 'hooky' when put to music. There's some nice little computer/techy references in there like 'Copy, Paste and save'and I love that line'tap us out a better world', very clever indeed.

[Vintage54]

   Hi Paulski,
      What i like about your work, is how versatile it is. You are never afraid to try something new, no one can accuse you of being stereotypical, and i applaud you for that reason. This is not up there with your best, but it's still of interest. I have to agree with the guys that went before me though, something is certainly missing, feeling perhaps. But that's computers for you.

                                      Vintage54

[igg]

Hi Paulski,

I like what you're attempting here, but my confusion comes from what the motivation of the computer is as it tells the story...Does it admire it's human....does it feel protective - like a pet owner.....What sensibilities does it share with it's human when it says "tap out a better world"....Are they aligned in a vision of a better world.....Would that be for humans or computers?

As far as the imagery and flow go, as usual, your structure is excellent....and the story moves along nicely....I guess I need to know where to sit as I watch this unfold....!

igg