The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: HenryOFarrell on January 09, 2017, 10:20:06 PM
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Hey guys, I'd just like to start by saying that I'm really enjoying listening to all the great music being shared on here!
Now on to the music...
This is my new original entitled 'Just take a breath'. It is about taking a sort of step back in a relationship and 'just taking a breath' and a pause, maybe seeing if any problems can heal with time.
Anyway, here's the link:
The lyrics are:
Chorus: Oh I can’t breath no more, oh my love what are you doing this for
And i know that I’m lost, and i know that it’s all come at a cost
But I don’t want it to end, although you drive me around the bend
Why don't you just take a breath
Verse 1: I’m parking on a double yellow line
And my tickets running out of time
As I lean closer to the window pane
I draw a tiny heart between the teardrops of rain
And then my breathe fogs up the glass once agin
Chorus: Oh I can’t breath no more, oh my love what are you doing this for
And i know that I’m lost, and i know that it’s all come at a cost
But I don’t want it to end, although you drive me around the bend
Why don't you just take a breath
Verse 2: Do you know the old oak tree
Meet me there where the sun meets the sea
I’ll be waiting on the waves in our dingy
Here I will hold you, I might even get clingy
And I know if I fall over board you'll save me
Link: Why don't you just take
A breath for me lover,
Then well get down underneath the cover
And I’ll aim to discover
Some other part of you
Im sorry for my OCD
But I just wanted me and you to work perfectly,
Living in holly matrimony,
Girl love me
Outro: And now I can breath once more, this is what I’ve been waiting for.
I hope you enjoy it, and I look forward to your next shares :)
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Good stuff, young fella. Great vocals!
I thought the second half of the song felt a little rushed, as if you had one eye on the clock when you were recording it...the lyric perhaps slightly dipped in quality in the second verse. I might personally have looked into tidying that verse up a little...just a personal point of view, of course...
But a good, confident performance of a good write :)
Very enjoyable.
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Good stuff, young fella. Great vocals!
I thought the second half of the song felt a little rushed, as if you had one eye on the clock when you were recording it...the lyric perhaps slightly dipped in quality in the second verse. I might personally have looked into tidying that verse up a little...just a personal point of view, of course...
But a good, confident performance of a good write :)
Very enjoyable.
Thanks a lot for your great comment. I will defiantly consider a re-write of the 2nd verse, listening back on it with your comment in mind does show it to be somewhat rushed in a way.
Thanks again, your comments are priceless.
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Hi Henry. Your song delivery always comes over as hyper confident and professional which is a good start. You have some good tunes and at your age you should really go for it :) I might have mentioned before that I thought your voice sounded a bit like Ed Sheehan but I guess that its just a "modern" voice cos I hear lots of stuff like it. Anyway, go for it mate. Did I mention that I offer a very reasonable management service for a more than reasonable 95% cut :) ;D
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Yo Henry.
Good to see you are still at it. :)
Your delivery kinda reminds me a bit of Cat Stevens in his 'Peace Train' era. (I bet you'll need to google that!) Lots of passion and expression carry the song along and your obvious enthusiasm demand the involvement of the listener. Paul is right,you nailed it lyrically with the first verse and chorus parts,but lapsed a bit with the 'dingy/clingy' combination.
This is another song I've listened to today that would benefit from a band treatment...Mumford style high energy thing would work for me. 8)
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Hi Henry. Your song delivery always comes over as hyper confident and professional which is a good start. You have some good tunes and at your age you should really go for it :) I might have mentioned before that I thought your voice sounded a bit like Ed Sheehan but I guess that its just a "modern" voice cos I hear lots of stuff like it. Anyway, go for it mate. Did I mention that I offer a very reasonable management service for a more than reasonable 95% cut :) ;D
Thanks a lot mate, what an awesome reply! Sounding like ed sheeran, to me is amazing (so thanks for that too!). Ahah I'll take that into consideration, not a bad cut ;D
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Yo Henry.
Good to see you are still at it. :)
Your delivery kinda reminds me a bit of Cat Stevens in his 'Peace Train' era. (I bet you'll need to google that!) Lots of passion and expression carry the song along and your obvious enthusiasm demand the involvement of the listener. Paul is right,you nailed it lyrically with the first verse and chorus parts,but lapsed a bit with the 'dingy/clingy' combination.
This is another song I've listened to today that would benefit from a band treatment...Mumford style high energy thing would work for me. 8)
Well cat Stevens is a legend, so thanks so much!! Ye, a few people have said that about the 2nd verse, so it may need a re-write. A high energy version is a great idea, I'll see if I can find any people interested in doing something like that.
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Really nice song - I agree that verse 2 could be stronger (you set yourself a really hard task with that rhyme scheme!). I'd also say that "matrimony" sounds a bit unnatural, I'm sure there's a better way of expressing that.
But nice delivery and with a few tweaks a memorable song.
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Nice performance - good to see something played live in one take. Think you get away with "clingy" - because you sing it fast, but it wouldn't suffer from a slight rework. ;D Other than that, loved the lyrics.
Great guitar work at the end - more of that please!!
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Really nice song - I agree that verse 2 could be stronger (you set yourself a really hard task with that rhyme scheme!). I'd also say that "matrimony" sounds a bit unnatural, I'm sure there's a better way of expressing that.
But nice delivery and with a few tweaks a memorable song.
Okay, verse 2 being slightly weak seems to be general consensus. I will defiantly try and see if I can improve it!! Thanks so much for the constructive criticism :)
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Nice performance - good to see something played live in one take. Think you get away with "clingy" - because you sing it fast, but it wouldn't suffer from a slight rework. ;D Other than that, loved the lyrics.
Great guitar work at the end - more of that please!!
Hi, thanks very much for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed the guitar at the end too :)
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Hi Henry
Great effort - you have a strong and a distinctive voice. Your guitar playing is effective and rhythmical. And all played live! As an old geezer I hear Cat Stevens in your voice. Put it this way, I'm an old rocker at heart, but my wife has much more modern tastes and she would love this! In fact I'll ask her! Cheers,
Bill
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Really nice song. You are clearly confident singing live and I really enjoyed your playing. I wanted the song to be a tad slower, just a bit.
Thanks for sharing
Steng
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Really nice song. You are clearly confident singing live and I really enjoyed your playing. I wanted the song to be a tad slower, just a bit.
Thanks for sharing
Steng
Thanks so much, your feedback is much appreciated. I'll see how it sounds a bit slower!
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Nice effort Henry - Vocal style does sound a bit like a Ed Sheeran Tribute act but you are young enough to develop your own style in time - You have a raw talent that i'm very envious of.
This song would not sound out of place on one of Ed's albums so you are defiantly going in the right direction :)
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Henry,
Great song and I'm blown away by your confidence to record your songs in one take and in video form! It's more than I think i'll ever do!
Keep up the good work!
Paul :)
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Nice effort Henry - Vocal style does sound a bit like a Ed Sheeran Tribute act but you are young enough to develop your own style in time - You have a raw talent that i'm very envious of.
This song would not sound out of place on one of Ed's albums so you are defiantly going in the right direction :)
Wow, thank you so much, what an inspiring reply. A few people have said that I sound like various people, but I guess my own style will come with time.
Thanks again,
Henry O'Farrell
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You´re too young for this level of talent Henry. Extremely nice song indeed - I reckon 95% of it is nailed. Others have already mentioned the "clingy" line and the 2nd verse being a bit rushed but you can easily fix those. Other than that it works really well...although I thought the chorus sounded better after the verse, so maybe you want to put a verse first.
Defo needs the big band treatment though. Your guitar playing is really good and so is your singing, but I would love to hear a full lush production over these. You can write songs but I reckon a good producer and big sound would bring out a huge potential.
EDIT - I just went out to walk the dog and had the chorus going around in my head. Must be a good sign :D
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You´re too young for this level of talent Henry. Extremely nice song indeed - I reckon 95% of it is nailed. Others have already mentioned the "clingy" line and the 2nd verse being a bit rushed but you can easily fix those. Other than that it works really well...although I thought the chorus sounded better after the verse, so maybe you want to put a verse first.
Defo needs the big band treatment though. Your guitar playing is really good and so is your singing, but I would love to hear a full lush production over these. You can write songs but I reckon a good producer and big sound would bring out a huge potential.
EDIT - I just went out to walk the dog and had the chorus going around in my head. Must be a good sign :D
Thanks very much, it's comments like these that make me keep writing, so encouraging!! Producing songs is something that I have been trying to learn more about and start doing. I will defiantly try and create a band version of this.
Thanks again for your awesome reply man, big thanks!!!
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Henry,
Good title
Nice strumming vibe to this. Guitars sounding good and vocals sound fine.
Thought: perhaps you could have some slight variation on the verse melodies, go down at the end of one line but when you repeat it go up.
i'd be inclined to repeat 'take a breath' vocal line in the chorus, e.g. you sing it at 2.24, i'd repeat the line at 2.35. Just a thought.
Scub mentioned Cat Stevens and I'm also hearing a touch of Damien Rice in there somewhere..
Have fun
:)
Neil
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Henry,
Great song and I'm blown away by your confidence to record your songs in one take and in video form! It's more than I think i'll ever do!
Keep up the good work!
Paul :)
Thanks a lot, it means so much! It sort of gets easier the more you do. The first video will defiantly be the scariest to film, but from then on they just get easier to film and post! You should try :) Semd me the link and I'll help if you want :)
Henry O'Farrell
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Henry,
Good title
Nice strumming vibe to this. Guitars sounding good and vocals sound fine.
Thought: perhaps you could have some slight variation on the verse melodies, go down at the end of one line but when you repeat it go up.
i'd be inclined to repeat 'take a breath' vocal line in the chorus, e.g. you sing it at 2.24, i'd repeat the line at 2.35. Just a thought.
Scub mentioned Cat Stevens and I'm also hearing a touch of Damien Rice in there somewhere..
Have fun
:)
Neil
Big thanks for your reply, and what great advice. I will have a tinker and see if I can adapt the melody slightly, and change it a bit. Thank you again for your positives on my drumming and vocals, it means a lot :).
Cheers,
Henry O'Farrell
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Hi Henry,
Nice song and very good playing.
To be honest I'm not keen on the vocal style - it sounds fine, it's just not my thing (I would say the same about the aforementioned Ed Sheeran or Jake Bugg)
A well written song, very well performed.
Digger
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Hi Henry,
Nice song and very good playing.
To be honest I'm not keen on the vocal style - it sounds fine, it's just not my thing (I would say the same about the aforementioned Ed Sheeran or Jake Bugg)
A well written song, very well performed.
Digger
Okay, thank for the complements on my playing and singing. Okay, I suppose it's not for everyone, but I will take it into account. All advice and feedback helps so much, thank you!
Henry O'Farrell