[Jess]

Firstly, I am cringing and aww-ing right now.
Secondly, I have no idea what 8 year old Jess was on when she wrote this, but it must've been something illegal as these lyrics DO NOT make sense. At all. However, it has an awesome tune to go with it (pretty impressive for an 8 year old), so I had to record it too (apologies for the bleeding ears...vocals really aren't my thing!)

Anyway this (cringes) is my attempt at a Barbie soundtrack...my first ever song, Touch The Sky...
http://snd.sc/184kO09

(Verse 1)
The house is quite small
The earth starts to shake
It's so unbelievable
How people can just lie in the sun
Singing as they go
And walk walk away
From the people once knew

(Chorus)
Touch the sky
Think you're flying
Can't you feel
What you need
Only make what you need to
No I just can't ignore it
Touch the sky

(Verse 2)
The world spins around
But I disagree
How can you believe when
The stars shine so brightly in the sky
All of us know there's such thing as life
Just not here so

(Chorus)
Touch the sky
Think you're flying
Can't you feel
What you need
Only make what you need to
No I just can't ignore it
Touch the sky

Touch the sky
Think you're flying
Can't you feel
What you need
Only make what you need to
No I just can't ignore it
Touch the sky

*digs herself into a hole away from civilisation and dies*
Congrats for getting to the end by the way

[benjo]

hi jess

very brave thing to do but well done lovely sweet sound to it
it does come across as like a very young girl thing
good strumming too and don't be to hard on yourself with the vocals not bad not good but not bad
overall for your first lyric at 8 nice and pleasant  tony...

[Jess]

Haha thank you- although I find it more funny than brave I'm glad you kind of liked it though, and I hope intensely that I've improved since my year 3/4 days

[Sing4me88]

Nice bouncy little chorus. It's pretty advanced for an 8 year old, in fact I reckon these lyrics make more sense than the trashy Pop I try to write!

[BooBoo]

What a sweet little song! I really enjoyed the chorus, with a bit of tweaking that could be great!! Anyway, well done on posting your first ever song! It's hard to do haha

[Kevin j]

its actually really catchy  really good for an 8 year old!

[diademgrove]

I'm really glad I read this. Here are my comments (in bold) on your lyrics.

(Verse 1)
The house is quite small
The earth starts to shake
It's so unbelievable
How people can just lie in the sun
Singing as they go
And walk walk away
From the people once knew

I see a small house in South America destroyed by an earthquake. Whilst some people help others don't and the singer cannot understand why.

(Chorus)
Touch the sky
Think you're flying
Can't you feel
What you need
Only make what you need to
No I just can't ignore it
Touch the sky

In spite of the disaster, as long as you're alive, you can raise your sights, touch the sky, dust yourself down and carry on. To rebuild the community we shouldn't be greedy but only take what we need. What a great line Touch the sky. We can all do it as it goes from our head to our feet, but you never get the feeling you've actually touched it.

(Verse 2)
The world spins around
But I disagree
How can you believe when
The stars shine so brightly in the sky
All of us know there's such thing as life
Just not here so

The second verse isn't as strong as the first and contradicts the chorus. In the second line you could change the I to you. The third line you could change the believe to doubt. The last line would need to change as well, but it may be better for you to finish it off.

I suspect when you started this thread you saw an 8 year old. When I read this thread all I saw was your words. Songs have a personality, they don't depend on the age of the person writing it, but how its seen by the person reading or listening. It's why the same song can be done in many different ways.

The recording, unfortunately didn't go with my images, so I ended up slightly disappointed. But that's my fault, one of the problems of reading the words first.

You have written a very good song, just a bit of tweaking needed.

diadem

[Jess]

Thank you for the comments, Diademgrove I love your little synopsis of South America and doubting and stuff but I don't think I even knew what America was when I was 8! Haha I won't be editing this song because I want to have it when I'm like 20 and be able to look back and be like "THIS was my first ever piece." I'm also sorry for any disappointment over the melody...you clearly aren't Barbie kind of people

[S.T.C]

I thought it was fine...when did you sing this?and who played the guitar..

[diademgrove]

Thank you for the comments, Diademgrove I love your little synopsis of South America and doubting and stuff but I don't think I even knew what America was when I was 8! Haha I won't be editing this song because I want to have it when I'm like 20 and be able to look back and be like "THIS was my first ever piece." I'm also sorry for any disappointment over the melody...you clearly aren't Barbie kind of people

You're welcome. I can understand why you wouldn't want to edit the song.

I'm not a Barbie person, shoes, clothes, bodies all over the floor, video after video that had to be watched with Dad. It was a fair exchange, they got to listen to Jimi Hendrix.

diadem

[benjo]

HEY,

just a quick one, you can still edit something and get it to the level your at today
and keep the original lyrics how they are DO IT it's a good idea see where you can take it
just saying you could have something, don't ignore it tony...

[seriousfun]

Its a lot better than some I have seen from adults. I think you did well and I was impressed that even at that early age you were still able to write with a good structure.

My big disappointment was that there was no mention of Ken. OMG poor Ken 

[Jess]

My big disappointment was that there was no mention of Ken. OMG poor Ken 

Ahh! I'm sorry Ken! I love your really (especially the toy story 3 version, I mean what a legend)!

[keith21583]

Congrats Jess. I think that these lyrics can be turned into a great song. They are so flowing melody wise(without having a melody, I had ideas of how the melody can be composed to these lyrics, although I'm not a composer).

Keep up your good work. 

[Dutchbeat]

i actually think it is very good, the melody is catchy and it has hit potential. i am not saying this because you made this at age 8 or because you are still very young now, but simply because i completely dig this

i also think your vocal has a very charming and commercial quality, you just need to know that you have a very good sound for (commercial) pop, and you just need to practice and get experience in singing, dare to sing a lot and with a good volume....because you have git something (but perhaps you are singing out loud all day)

but this melody is really good for a nice synthy pop song, i mean you clearly have a good intuition or skills for coming up with melodies

well, i just think it is cool