[Jane99]

HI:)
please tell me what you think

https://soundcloud.com/janeh99/lies-in-your-eyes

That moment in darkness
You were staring at me
I was staring at you
None dared to make a sound
To make a ove
Cause in that night
We all realized

The lies in your eyes
The lies that lasted a lifetime
The lies without a truth
The lies in your eyes

Do you know what hurts the most
We’ve rusted you a lifetime
But you played a game
Without explaining the rules
When we realized
Something is wrong
It was  the first time we saw

The lies in your eyes
The lies that lasted a lifetime
The lies without a truth
The lies in your eyes

Don’t you think it’s time for you to leave
And i wish you the best
But now just leave
Cause we all saw

The lies in your eyes
The lies that lasted a lifetime
The lies without a truth
The lies in your eyes
the lies in your eyes
the lies in your eyes

[fischermans]

Hello Jane99
It´s not bad but for me there is a lot you have to work on. First of all you have to separate the chorus and give him different chords and may be another strum pattern.
Then you have to look over your lyrics and try to find more interesting words and give them more content as you did with words like:"You were staring at me I was staring at you." It´s a lot of work but it makes a song much better. Also you have to work on your singing.It sounds a bit like you are only reading the lyrics from a paper without any emotions.You need to practice practice practice. All people you like to hear did a lot of training.
Alexander

[garys2811]

Hi Jane, you've got a lovely voice.
This is a really good subject it sounds to me that the song is about a betrayal of a parent figure to a child? That's a really emotive topic. When people lie or cheat or are untrue to their partner its bad enough but to be untrue to your children is so much worse and I think your song is getting to that very strong emotion.

Just a few  small things that could improve your song a lot. Your guitar is a bit out of tune so if you can get yourself a tuner it will present your song much  better. It's best to record yourself and have a listen to how you've done before you do your final recording. It gives you a chance to think about your phrasing and breathing to see which bits work. That's how we all learn.  Then do it again the way you feel is best. There are one or two points where you take a breath and breaks the flow a little. The "Lies that lasted a life time" is a good line but it feels a little rushed.  You could possibly have adjusted things to give yourself a little more time to get it in.

Think about the emotions and use your vocal delivery to get them over. I think this song could carry a bit anger. Have a listen to Alanis Morissette she's a girl who has been hurt and she leaves you in no doubt about it. [ Invalid YouTube link ]20you%20oughta%20know%20&sm=1

Great idea and not a bad effort. Well done. Keep at it.