[flossie]

My effort  seeing as I'm a blonde!


A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way?
What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.
Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

[S.T.C]

A horse walks into a bar..the barman says....hey..why the long face.

[The Corsair]

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, he holds it in place ad the world revolves around him.

[Little Bill]

‘Brian Sullivan’

A man caught a taxi.
He got inside and they moved off.
The cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special..."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change
a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do
everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then..."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to
Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
fuckin' widow."

[andy5544]

Man gets home blind drunk after a night out with the boys.
He hammers on the door till his wife gets out of bed and opens the door,
he staggers in , throws up everywhere and soils his trousers, then passes out.

Next morning his wife wakes him , gives him coffee and aspirin  , runs him a lovely bath,
scrubs his back for him , when he comes downstairs there's a lovely full breakfast waiting and a cup of tea and juice ,she kisses him,smiles and says "tuck in dear"

when his wife left the room he asked his daughter why his wife was being so nice to him,
she replies "when mum tried to undress you last night ,you pushed her away and said , 
get off you bitch ,i'm a happily married man "


 

[estreet]

A drummer who has become tired of all the jokes about being thick and being a second-class musician decides to better himself. Angry that every time he goes to the music shop to buy sticks the staff belittle him, he resolves to study art, literature and musical theory. He believes he will become so erudite, no-one will know that he is a drummer.

So he goes back to school and then university. He takes a degree in literature and follows it with a doctorate in music, learning to play the violin and piano to concert standards. The whole process takes over ten years.

'Now I will be able to hold my head up when I buy instruments' he says. So he goes down town, walks into a shop and says: 'I would like to buy a fine violin and a grand piano please my good man'  but the man behind the counter just laughs and says: 'Haha you're just a stupid drummer'.

 Our hero is devastated and stands there weeping with his head in his hands. Through his tears he gasps: 'How ... how did you know?' The man behind the counter replies:

'Because this is a Fish & Chip shop'.

[Ramshackles]

Story of success.

Ricardo is perambulating down the road, when all of a sudden a magnifico golden ladder descends from the heavens, accompanied by the angel Elspeth.

'Ola, Ricardo!', shes says, 'This is the ladder to success. The way is hard and the steps are treacherous, you may wish to stay upon the ground. However, climb this ladder and the road to success will be rewarding.'

Ricardo doesn't take much convincing - he's Spanish. So he blindly heads up the ladder. After a long arduous climb he comes to a platform in the heavens. It is laden with gold and jewels.
'Ricardo,' says Elspeth. 'You may take this gold and head back down, being able to live for a while as a wealthy man, or you may head up the ladder to success'.

Ricardo thinks a moment - it is certainly a lot of gold; But no more than a Spaniard deserves, so he heads up the ladder.
At the next platform is double the amount of gold and a beautiful woman.

'Ricardo!', intones Elspeth, 'Take this gold and live you life as a millionaire, and take this cute muchacha as your lady wife. I recommend however, that you continue up the ladder to success'.

Ricardo is impressionable and continues up the ladder. He passes 3 more platforms each laden with more gold and women than he can imagine, but each time Elspeth urges him on.
Ricardo - not being used to having to do so much work - prays for the end to come soon. ' How much better can it get?' he asks.
'Don't fear Ricardo, this is the last climb'.

The final climb was the most difficult of all. His legs turned to jelly; the wind pushed him to and fro.
Finally he made it to the top. Elspeth was nowhere to be seen; nor was there any gold or ladies.

Instead, a huge, hairy, hideous man awaited him, naked as a baby. The ladder disappeared in a flash.

'Hallo', said the man.
'I'm Cess'.



No more than a spaniard deserves.... 

[cully]

Q. How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 1-2, 1-2

Hello!..I'm in 3rd place on this list http://www.motagator.com/lists/artists/rank_by_plays behind someone doing covers.! (spit)...if you hear any of my self penned tracks it'll increase my chance of making 2nd place see link http://www.motagator.com/John_Cully/audio.php

also you can rate the artist by clicking on RATING under my pic...a 5 would be nice..(hint)

[Binladeda]

 Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?        A. A banana

[The Corsair]

The daily rate for the carpark Richard III was found under is 18.50. Richard III has been there for 192,649 days. He owes 3,564,006.50 in parking fees.

[The Corsair]

In other (wonderfully true) news, an acquaintance of mine recently finished his doctorate. Now when people ask him his name this happens:

"What's your name?"
"Stephen."
"Is that Stephen with a 'ph'?"
"Actually it's Stephen with a PhD."

[Ramshackles]

I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.