The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: MonnoDB on January 22, 2021, 04:05:42 PM
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Hi All,
First of the year from myself and @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) .... It's dark and heavy both in lyrical content and style.. As always an invigorating and entertaining ride from beginning to end..although I did curse JB a little for sending me his first version with 3 more verses than my demo ;D ;D Yes, three!
And as always, we welcome any notes, crits, ear-pokey pointers that you may have...
Want to tell me what you saw
What made you scared
What made you crawl under the covers
And hide your eyes
You keep it bottled up inside
It might be better to confide
Let me discover what made you cry
What was said to seal your lips
What kind of threats what kind of tricks
What rules were broken, and how
Was there solidarity
Any plans to break free
Even unspoken, even now
Shout out, shout loud, shout now
You’re allowed, stand your ground
Stand your ground
How do you sleep
Do you have something that can help
To keep the demons at bay
Do you twist and do you turn
Do you shiver do you burn
As you count the hours away
And does the distance help
With every day and every step
That brings you further from harm
Can you take the weight
Or is the damage too great
As you try to carry on
Shout out, shout loud, shout now
You’re allowed, stand your ground
Stand your ground
I hear that speaking out is a sin
I see the bruises on the skin
Of those who dare to take a stance
You look to me and then behind
Afraid that you will find
That every kindness is a trap
Want to tell me what you saw
What made you scared
What made you crawl under the covers
And hide your eyes
You keep it bottled up inside
It might be better to confide
Let me discover what made you cry
Shout out, shout loud, shout now
You’re allowed, stand your ground
Stand your ground
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Oh look just logged on just as a new Ashes song has gone up. Well happy new year Karen, and after your efforts doing forum Faves the least I can do is comment on this one immediately :D
Wow there’s a lot of lyrics in there, but lovely complex bit of defiant darkness in there for sure. Absolutely terrific chorus and your outro is so sweet from a melody perspective too. I really admired the pace at which your vox gobbled up all those lyrics and that anthemic wailing (in the best possible way) of the chorus is a super juxtaposition to the chorus. It reminded me a bit of your song ‘Fight’ for some reason.
Really strong vocals throughout, real passion in there...then pulled back to simplicity elsewhere.
I really liked the production and all its little touches of sophistication - eg the moving panning guitar in the break out section.
Well if you’re going to start a new year you might as well start it with a stormer like this one. The best of you both in this ...yep it will make your best of album when you are old and grey, ha ha!
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Wow....I love how this song starts! Then when @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) comes in with those power chords it really takes off. And your vocals on this one....damn, girl!!!
You guys are in an absolutely amazing place right now.
Seriously dynamic arrangement....full stop at 2:44! Love how the keys take this one out like that. Great song......great performances.....great production...great mix....what else could a listener ask for?
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Very cool...................this is great. Awesome production and performances.
Top notch writing. Everything clicks!!
Great job!
-Tom
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Lovely rockin' numba here!
wish I could see you guys live
You're based in Ireland?
Please let me know of any gigs coming up
the Covid hysteria will subside soonish m'thinks.
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Efficient song, it rocks, very well produced, it makes me think at evanescence in more subtle, or at within temptation :)
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@Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) Great to hear another track from you guys. What a great team, you're on fire. I really loved this darker guitar based track. The bass is ultra menacing and fabulous guitar but also the solo piano interludes work really well and you've worked really hard to get that vocal delivery just spot on Karen. Excellent song
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@MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) great track! Nice build at the start with a lovely brooding bass and twinkling synths... great vocal, really nice production - massive sound with lots of space in between, clever use of the multi layered vocals in the second parts of the verses, some really nice use of the drums to build between different sections... great little piano breakdown... overall really dynamic and slick... really like the way it winds down at the end too... really nicely done!👌
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Wow!! We're supposed to offer crits on here I know, but this is the fourth song in row I've heard here today(all different genres) that I really can't fault. Fabulous build up, great vocals and atmosphere. I love it :)
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Top notch songwriting and recording here - really enjoyed listening to it. The sound of the bass during those verses and the great melody that sits on top, and then the really catchy rocking chorus. I wasn't quite sold on the second half of the bridge section that comes in at around 2:30 - it felt like the vocals weren't hitting on quite the right phrasing to sit over the music in that section IMO but then again thats just a taste thing. Overall great job well done!
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Thanks for the listens all and for the feedback.. It's much appreciated!
@The Holographic Rodeo (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22741) - thanks so much for your comments.. Will have a listen to that section you mention.. thanks for the feedback...
@ChrisPrice (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22723) - thanks so much - lovely comments!!
@man made material (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22704) - thank you, sir! Great comments....
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) - thanks so much! Yes we're having a lot of fun at the moment.. Nothing like it..
@Melusine2 (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22580) - thanks so much ... lovely refs, thanks for your kind words...
@rightly (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20219) - glad you enjoyed.. Yes, I'm in Ireland but @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) is in Sweden (in fact we've never met!) so the likelihood of a gig (even in post-Covid world) is highly unlikely.. but I suspect it would be a blast and a half!! Thanks for your lovely comments..
@IronKnee (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20409) - I'll take that .. Thanks so much, sir. Too kind!
@Unclenny (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22611) - you'll have us both blushing.. well me anyway, not sure if JB is prone to blushing.. :) :) Thanks so much for your kind words...
@MichaelA (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21274) thanks so much.. Yeah you're not wrong - there are a lot of lyrics and there's quite a bit of wailing... It wasn't the easiest vocal to knock out :) nor the easiest lyrics to write!! You are too kind as always and your words are very much appreciated!
Thank you all! Chuffed indeed...
K
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@Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820)
Hi guys, this is outrageously brilliant. I love everything about this.I've heard many great songs on this forum, and this is one of the best IMHO.
Loved it!
Cheers 8)
Jamie
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I have to agree with all of the accolades this song has received so far. :) I love the bass intro and the way it builds into a full on rock monster.
Fantastic job on the vocals and lyrics Karen, and what JB has done with the production is equally amazing. Great job on the dynamics as well.
Doesn't get much better than this guys! Congrats
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Hello @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) ,
One of the artists on this forum who never let the quality slip. So much talent and so much better than the sh*t in the charts - it's a crying shame. Bring on the revolution!
A lot of lyrics but that's fine if they carry the song which they do. The chorus is a real killer and I love the piano part. The vocals are simply pro level - you should all be stars!
The less well endowed in the talent stakes among us can only look on (listen on?) and wonder how does that happen?
I like this very much.
M
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Excellent bass. A beautiful and melodic song.
Love the sound of your voice! "Staaand your ground"... Really like this!!
Maya
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Well this is my fave of yours in a while guys! Very cool! No nits whatsoever, I just enjoyed every note. Catchy chorus...I love the effects on your voice Karen. Great job both of you.🎶👍🏻🎶😄
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Such a good fusion of you both in this one. It's a really top quality piece with a huge sound. Lots of lyrical content, none of it tired.
My only comment would be that you could slightly improve the wrist position on that left jab...
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Hi @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) Karen and @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875)
What a cool rocker - shades of Alanis Moriset.
Love how the chorus lifts and the vocals are spot on.
And of course those rauchy Jambrains guitars are stellar.
Piano is pretty damn good too.
Good work!
Paul
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Hello @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) and @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875), Regardless of the very good musical production, it’s great to hear that the songwriting underpins everything here. The lyrics are very well written. This is melodic and has some great vocal motifs. It’s a fine blend of piano and \rock guitar but once again I revert to the most important aspect which is the quality songwriting.
Much to enjoy here . Great team work :-)
Paul
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Another excellent song @MonnoDB (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19820) & @Jambrains (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19875) . :) The verses must have been a mouthful Karen but when the chorus kicks in they contrast delightfully. Lots going on with top lyrics & melodies keeping it interesting till the end. Well done both of you.
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Great start and love the vocal in the verse. Well crafted lyrics.
Excellent production and a catchy chorus. Nice variation in the bridge, super piano playing. My only nit is that, in places, the drums sound ever so slightly off? ( Could just be me.)
Either way, loved it
Kevin
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Wow thanks guys for the great comments!!!
@kevysc (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19775) thanks so much.. noted re drums... we'll have a look see..
@5 guys named Lars (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22535) - you're not wrong about the mouthful.. thanks so much :)
@Wicked Deeds (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19231) such great comments - thanks so much..
@Paulski (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19241) - thanks a mill... And chuffed with the piano comment coming from you :)
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) - hey thanks.. I'll try to fix that weak wrist position ! :)
@LostBoy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20481) - no nits? Wow.. chuffed..
@Maya Clars (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=22624) - thanks so much :)
@montydog (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18653) - wow, what amazing comments - thank you so much..
@crystalsuzy (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18947) - hey great to see you!!! Thanks soo much!!
@Jamie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19125) - I'm outrageously delighted with your comments.. Thank you!!
Delighted with the comments - thanks all so much for taking the time to listen and comment...
K