The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Paulski on May 01, 2018, 05:31:25 PM
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Cow music alert! Here's a three chord country tune - well I cheat a bit with a few 7ths and 9ths ;D
I need to fix that buzzy A-string but any other comments would be appreciated!
https://soundcloud.com/paulcanuck/i-come-here-every-day
I Come Here Every Day
I'd seen the old man sit alone
In the park on my way home
One day I joined him on his bench
Just to offer my "Hello"
Now I'm not one who likes to pry
But there was heartache in his eyes
Over time he opened up
Told me how he missed his wife
He said "I come here every day
'cause that's what we used to do
To watch the children play
To hear the pigeons coo
She still talks to me this way
When I come here every day"
Every afternoon since then
We traded stories, became friends
But she would waltz into his thoughts
And he'd remind me once again:
He said "I come here every day
That's what we used to do
To watch the children play
To hear the pigeons coo
She still talks to me this way
When I come here every day"
Then one day an empty bench
Waited there instead of him
My worst fear had come true
I had lost my dearest friend
Now I come here every day
That's what we used to do
To watch the children play
To hear the pigeons coo
He still talks to me this way
When I come here every day
Yes, he still talks to me this way..
So I come here every day
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Nice job, as usual. I'm not a country fan, so this isn't my thing, but there were elements I could appreciate. For instance, it wasn't a typical lost or unrequited love theme. I like this much better, if we have to have a tear-jerker or melancholy mood (yeah, I know, they have their place). Even with the sad topics included, it was still about friendship, good memories...positive themes. I am definitely a fan of positive themes.
Also, your attention to prosody--you did it deliberately, right? I noticed one word that could have been a problem, but you handled it with aplomb and adroitness. The word is "became" in the phrase "became friends". Accolades to you. (I'm having a how-many-big-words-can-I-use-in-one-message day).
No nits.
Vicki
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Yo Paulski. Great to hear another song from you. Nothing wrong with a three chord jobby. It's a great story. I think this could be beefed up with some sad strings etc. Your piano is sublime as usual. Excellent stuff man :)
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Sounds like a classic, which is a tribute to everything "just working". I do like country lyrics when they pack in the emotions and are essentially not tied to any generation or moment in time. A simple story, well told.
Personally, I found the spoken word bit a bit too melodramatic, but then this isn't my home territory!
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Yo Paulski.
Man I love a great bangin' metal song. :)
Damn...my copy and paste is stuck.. :D
As Adam wrote,this sounds like it's been around for years. You do this style so well and pull it off whilst avoiding the Cheese.
I can see you singing this in a bar in Fargo,while the drunks lie about passed out and folk are stabbing each other in the deep snow outside. Yep. I can see it. 8)
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Nice song! I'm not much of of a good times country song-fan but that aside, I enjoyed the listen. The fiddle could maybe enter a bit later and the harmonica, though great sounding, could be done without imo.
The piano holds it together in a good way.
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Good old school country Paulski, impeccably sung of course (which is a bit of a truism for your stuff...).
I liked the way the story shifted between who was waiting for who on the bench. It sums up the passage of time really well... how we all have our little slot overlapping slots in eternity. Just an idea but I wondered if there could be an extra stanza worded to take the chain even further and suggest that the singer is talking to us (the listener) on the bench too. Something like:
Will you come here every day
Just like we're doing now
To watch the children play
To hear them laugh and shout
And I'll talk to you this way
When you come here every day
Maybe it'd make the song too long or be a bit too 'post-modernist' but I thought it could be a nice touch to actually situate the listener in the song too. Just an idea!
Anyway, great track, production, concept, etc - situated in a well-established format but you avoid cliches and keep it interesting. Nice one.
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Yeee Haaa...Paulski
Really dig this, I'm going to write one of each of a genre I've never done before this year and it was joy to listen to, your voice is perfect for this.
was there a pedal steel,in there? if there wasn't there should be...
Can I take off these chaps now?
cpm jnr.
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I'm not a big fan of the genre and style, generally speaking. However, in a Hank Williams esque way, I really liked this.
The lyrics were absolutely fantastic, really reminiscent of Dylan or Cohen. Really, really loved the lyrics.
Fairplay, a great song, you're certainly a very gifted lyricist and writer. Loved the piano work too.
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Hi,
Cool country song and really nice piano parts. The singer is Jerry Reed or Hank Williams?
Maybe the tempo of the song could be little higher.
Well done!
refusedrevival
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@CaliaMoko (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19928) - thanks Vicki and cheers on the prosody comment - I try! Actually had more trouble with the word "stories" for some reason :)
@pompeyjazz (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20269) - cheers John. Yes sadder strings would work - appreciate the listen.
@adamfarr (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20124) - thanks Adam. Ha - I wondered if the spoken part would get called out - that's what they used to do back in the day - sorry! :D :D
@Skub (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20061) - cheers my man - well there is cheeze in here but glad it's hidden well enough for you, kind sir!
@Martinswede (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20851) - thanks Martin - kind words from someone not atuned to the genre. I'm pleased to get the piano comment. You're prob right the violin is a bit early..
@PaulyX (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21034) - thanks Pauly - I like that last verse idea :D - maybe the album version could be a bit longer.
@cowparsleyman (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21308) - cheers for that. Looking forward to your genre tour! Know any good steel players? There's a couple on fiver but they seem a bit pricey.. Fortunately harmonicas are cheap :D
@David Christy Jones (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21130) - thanks - that was the target vibe - hank Williams ;D Thanks for the lyrics comment though I couldn't shine Cohen's shoes :D :D
@refusedrevival (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=18781) - cheers for that. You're prob right it could be a tad faster. :D :D
Cheers everyone for taking the time :D
Paul
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Nice sentimental song - nice car driving song I should think - I like the chorus - nothing spectacular but it works - nice story and such an easy listener - like the guitars- you're voice is really suited to country (great voice ) lovely song
I like it a lot - Lovely song and sad - has been mentioned about more minor chords to add more sadness which I hadn't thought about
Really Lovely xxx
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Hi Paul,
I loved the way this built from the acoustic through the strings, piano and percussion. Very smoothly done. This is a good tune and a story well told - sentimental and following an old country music recipe. Authoritative, authentic vocals and a good, clean production and mix. Excellent throughout.
M
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Yeah, love this. George Jones in the 70s vibe. Really cool.
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Hi Paul,
great vocal, took me back to Sunday mornings growing up listening to the Country and Western hour on the local radio station.
Thanks,
Keith
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Lovely as ever Paul, you ole softy! Perfect twist delivered in the talky section, the whole things fits together like a swiss watch.
Keep that cow music coming.
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Hi Paul,
A beautiful country song, cool guitars and very clever lyrics...with a moving story.
A good listen.
Sandeep
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@Katie Wilson (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21305) Thanks Katie - yep easy listening is what I was going for - appreciate the nice comments!
@redrhodie (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=21171) cheers Lynn - GJ was one of my fav country artists so thanks for that comparison. ;D
@diademgrove (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=19135) Thanks Keith - old school is what I was going for - appreciate the kind words
@tboswell (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20223) Thanks Tom - switch watch - that's nice to hear. Glad it ticked for you ;D
@Movin Flavour (http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?action=profile;u=20528) Thank you Sandeep!
And thank you all for taking the time :D :D
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The song fits you perfectly, it is simple, and warm like a blanket on my shoulders.