[Rhysian]

I have finally managed to get this "finished" (still not perfect and my voice is a bit funny from the cold I'm just recovering from). 
I have made it slightly shorter by merging what where the first two verses into just one. I have also converted one of the later verses into a bridge.
What do you think? Is it better than the first attempt? I'm still not sure which version I prefer.
Thanks.

https://soundcloud.com/rhysian-gault/yellow-roses-version-2

Lyrics:

Yellow Roses

There's an old lady who lives all alone
As frail as parchment, she is skin and bone.
Her family are gone now they don't have the time
for a fragile old woman with a fragile old mind.

In her garden, she grows yellow roses.
They remind her of the past
And a tear falls for every blossom
as she weeps for what's been lost.
Such beautiful Yellow Roses

When she was a young girl she had it all
the beauty and the brains, how she could enthral.
And she fell in love and married a handsome young man
They'd be together forever, well that was the plan. 

At her wedding she carried yellow roses
Such a bright and happy sight
And tears of joy fell for every blossom
As she whirled around in delight.
Such beautiful yellow roses

It wasn't very long before two babies arrived
money was tight but somehow they survived
And there was love in that house, so much laughter and fun
 she thought it would last but time it runs on.

Before she knew it her babies had flown the nest
She and her husband retired, hoping for some rest.
Then the illness it took him and he passed away
She felt her heart break on that saddest of days.

At his graveside were yellow roses
in bunches all around
and a tear fell for every blossom
as they laid him in the ground
Such beautiful yellow roses.

Now that he's gone she's all alone
rattling round her house on her own
waiting and hoping that someone will call
but there's no one to see her when she falls
And she falls

Now in her garden are no more roses
they're just a memory from the past
and the tears fall with every blossom
for all the good things lost
no more yellow roses
….

[S.T.C]

This is shorter than your first version(wasn`t an issue for me).....some how i`m not sure this is better? you don`t sound as tight ....but i can`t recall the other one at the moment(in saying that it`s started playing )

I think this worth a collaboration with someone...someone who could  engineer it.....

I deffo like the original more...it`s gentler, hope this doesn`t disappoint....

[Neil C]

Hi, I remember this one.
Still sounds like a cool song which suits your vocal delivery really well but I'm with STC there's something about the rhythm and vocals which isn't an improvement. There's more going on but the previous version sounds tighter and more focused..
Sometimes when I redo a song it gets better but there are occasions when in fixing one thing you may loose something else. I hope you can make some sense this feedback.
 
Neil

[Rhysian]

Thanks for listening.  I think your feedback has pretty much confirmed what I was thinking.  As I was re-doing it I had the feeling that I was trying to force the song into a shape that it's not comfortable in.  May try taking it back to the original form - or somewhere in between perhaps.

[Dutchbeat]

wow, that is beautiful, nice song!!! I think i have missed this the first time around

but it sounds like a great song to me, with a strong vocal melody

it seems to me that the vocals are a bit 'thin', i mean mixwise...

that low string is sweet, but it stops at some unexpected places....at 2.41 to 2.45..and there something is difficult with the pace there...

but this is really nice songwriting, hope you can smooth out the overall rythm someway (add a extremely basic and soft hiatt pattern???)

just some thoughts at first listen

[Rhysian]

Yeah Dutchbeat, I had some "issues" with the midi programming.  The low strings are supposed to maintain a nice smooth legatto line. I'll not go into my Ubuntu/JACK/Rosegarden midi traumas now though, I've only just calmed down LOL

[montydog]

I never heard the first version so this is new to me. So the good points:

Lovely, folk voice
Great lyrics and lilting, pretty melody
Nice strings

Not so good:
There are timing issues
The mix is in need of the attentions of someone who can clean things up
The vocal is a little shaky

There is so much potential here -  it has the makings of being a pro standard folk song with some polishing in the areas I've mentioned. If this was on a June Tabor album, produced and performed to that standard, it could be a classic.