The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Feedback on Finished songs => Topic started by: Bankie on January 20, 2018, 01:40:46 PM
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I'm on a real purple patch at the moment having completed 3 other songs in the last 3 weeks or so. I don't tie myself to a particular style, but melodic rock is where I end up a lot, and that's what this is.
I do this for fun, so I normally just post to Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/Colin-McGregor-108833974644/). Problem is, family and friends aren't the best people for giving criticism (constructive or otherwise), so am particularly interested in any areas you think could be improved.
https://soundcloud.com/bankie666/underneath-my-skin
Lyrics
Verse
Your voice calls out my name
And tells me I'm to blame
But I did my best, I'd say
Yet you treated me this way
You looked inside my heart
And picked me all apart
You said I was enough
But this wasn't love
Chorus
What kind of fool do you take me for?
Pulling me inside-out and more
All of this trouble you got me in
You're so far underneath my skin
Verse
There's a corner of my mind
Don't want anyone to find
How can I let anybody see
There's a part of me that still believes
(Repeat chorus)
How can a moment last forever?
I hear you say you'll never go
How do you haunt my every move?
(Repeat chorus)
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Hi really like the song, the vocals remind me of Metronomy, both your voice and your treatment of it. The melody and lyrics are really effective, the dry 70's style of production is really cool, and I like the harmonies in the chorus too.
I do wonder if a less boom-tat-boom-tat kind of drum track would do the song more justice? That's a laid back style but lyrically this isn't a laid back song. I'd like to hear this done slightly faster, with more of an insistent four-to-the-floor kind of beat (and you could do it without snare in the verses - e.g. mainly kick and hi hat - to build tension). Anyway those are my thoughts! Nice work dude
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Thanks for the feedback, Junkman. Interesting thoughts. Drums are my main weakness in general (other than my voice, but I just have to make the most of what I've got with that). I had a quick listen to Metronomy - that guy has a higher voice than mine for sure, and they use a lot of backing rather than doubling, but I can see where you're coming from. Anyway, appreciate you taking the time to listen! :)
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Yeah Bankie, The first lesson we all have to learn is that family and friends are not remotely interested in your music. The second lesson is that you will get eff all feedback from any radio stuff unless you sound like Ed ;D So if you want to to just enjoy it, stick around man as your music has lots of stuff going on ☺
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Hi,
Thought the chorus was great, particularly the first line. The second line, my mind wanted it go somewhere else on a couple of notes (but that might just mean I need a second listen, which I will).
Thought the intro was good.
The melody in the verse was a little too centered on the root note for me, although I get that that might be part of the style you were trying to deliver. But, perhaps it could deviate just a little more?
Bridge was great, outro was good. Good song length.
On the whole, I think this has the potential to be a really great song. The arrangement is good, but I think I want the production bigger, louder and more aggressive. It has power and I like it. Congrats.
Paul.
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Nice feedback - thanks very much. I did consider sprucing up the melody line of the verse, but because it grew on me and kept the impact of the more melodic chorus, I decided to keep it that way.
On a slightly separate note, I was wondering how people use feedback. Now, I did post a section in the WIP forum for feedback when I was a bit stuck on the arrangement for the chorus (so the use of that feedback is obvious), but once a song is done, we're surely a lot less likely to go back and refine, especially since going on to a new song is much more fun. Personally, I just want to see how others perceive what I'm doing, which I think can help me in my future endeavours.
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Yes , I’m with you on this.
To be honest, for me, the amount of effort it takes to complete a song means that I’m unlikely to go back and change anything unless it’s a production issue.
Having said that the feedback will definitely help me approach the next song with a slightly different perspective and approach.
Ideally, I want to hear genuine criticism. Not “didn’t like this”, “must try harder”, “not my cup of tea” etc. That teaches me nothing at all. And yet, at the same time, I’d hate it just as much if everyone just served up platitudes and told each other how great we all are.
For me, putting up songs for review makes me feel hugely vulnerable. It exposes my skill ( or lack thereof) as well as my soul. But, the music comes from deep within and it deserves to be put out there regardless of people’s opinions or whether it’s listened to. Having said that if those opinions from those listens help me to grow, I’m extremely grateful for them.
Paul
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Hi Pnb.
Can't really offer much constructive feedback I'm afraid. I think it's a top song, well produced, good guitars and catchy. Hard to find any room for improvement.
Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Cheers
Micky
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Hi Pnb.
Pnb is good enough without taking the credit for my stuff too :)
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Sorry Bankie!
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Tee hee....I’ll claim it no problem. :D
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Hi, love the acoustic guitar harmonics, I did think the electric guitar harmonics in the chorus didn't really work as well though :o.Nice sound and a good song, you sang it well. I liked the guitar tone in the solo.
Nice one!
Cheers ;D
Jamie
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This is lovely , so easy to listen to and put to together - I like it , lovely melody xxx
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Good track, I like songs that have good contrast between sections, I agree that the drum track could have more power, and I found the mix lacking in bottom end, but the guitars were nice and overall its a good listen.
nice job, Mikey
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I liked it. Don't know what else to say about it.
I like the structure you came up with, just four verses that seem to fit around each other plus the chorus. Something nice and simple about it, like you didn't over-complicate things. Which was probably helped by your speed in writing 3 songs in 3 weeks.
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Jamie: I don't get many complements on my voice, so thanks! I do put everything I can into it to compensate for what I don't naturally have. I'd be interested in what you think would have worked better than the chorus harmonics - it definitely needed some kind of counter-melody/riff/something.
Katie: Thanks, and glad you like it.
Mikey: Thanks for your comment re the drums. Interesting about your bottom-end comment though - playing it on my monitors and a good set of bins, it sounds like it has plenty to me. Would be interested in whether others agree with you.
Mr Singer: Thanks - the song didn't need anything really fancy. It has something to say so just has to come out and say it.
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Hello Bankie,
Intriguing intro with a guitar that almost sounds like a cello. Goo introduction and build as the song progresses and is followed by a fine guitar solo that at times. embraces the main melody. What do you use t honk that this has more potential tha is currently realised and further production, mixing could really make this shine.
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing this very cool song.
Paul
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Nice song , interesting arrangement, regarding the bottom end..not everyone has a good set of bins which is a problem for us guys with good bins... ;D ;D
I tend to apply what feels like too much bottom end and it seems to translate ok to smaller stuff like portable radios etc... :)
good work mate.. :)
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Hello Bankie, welcome.
Really solid track. I liked the close-to-the-mic feel to the verses and then, bam!, nice big lift when the chorus arrives. You've got a good voice too and nothing about the production felt weak to me.
As you ask for suggestions, the weakest part for me was the rhyme scheme - I found all those rhyming couplets one after another a little bit 'obvious' if you know what I mean, maybe throw in some half rhymes, break up the pattern or similar as the rhymes are quite straight and made the flow of the track a bit predictable.
That's a small nit about an impressive track though. Hope your purple patch goes on for miles... and you deliver some more chunky choruses like this.
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What a great listen, loved the relaxed feeling, and lots of variation between the sections. Guitars sounding great. Possibly the lyrics are nothing we haven't really heard before, but probably not many will really listen so closely as we songwritery types.
Great stuff.
I'm sure you're right that a lot of feedback is "to think about for next time" unless there is something really obviously fixable, which is fine by me.
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Nice one Banksie my son! Listened the other day and liked it. Second time around didn't disappoint me at all!
I'm happy with the verse melody for the reasons you gave. That lift for the chorus is great!
Little bridge does a good job before that nicely judged solo.
Just right in a lot of ways...yeah, simple structure...good song length...good contrast between verse/chorus....good chorus.
Lyrics work for me...might not be mind-blowing but sound good. The opening chorus line is a great opening chorus line for this style of song...just flows nice and draws you into the chorus well.
Sounds pretty good to to these ears.
Nice introduction to your work.
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Thanks for the recent feedback - really awesome that so many took the time to not just listen, but put some thoughts down too. I've done the same for a few others and intend to have a binge at some point in the weekend to listen to lots more.
I just have one thing to say, and it regards the lyrics. Correct, they're not ground-breaking in any way, but I write what I know or what I feel, and this song is very much personal. I'm not writing songs just to make words rhyme nicely. I think what the lack of originality shows is that we do tend to share similar experiences, and what better way to share those than in music?
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Yo Bankie,welcome to the forum,man. :)
I really like the overall feel to this song. I'm a sucker for melodic rock.
The chorus is great,catchy as. Very well sung and put together,fine harmonies.
Sure enough a good production will make the song shine,but the song is strong and that's the prime starting point.
Great listen,ta for posting. :)
Liked and reposted on s/c
Edit...I've been checking out your other songs on soundcloud,some fine choons on there,laddie. You are a prolific writer for sure! :D