I think you have to decide what you want this to be, if its a poem to a lost love then I think its a lovely piece of work, if its a song about lost love, then there are some great lines in this.
I really think you have to look at the overall piece and cut it down somewhat.
its far to long and personal to you, but as I say, there are some great moments in there for a good song. I hope this helps.
regards den.