The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
Songwriter Forum => Lyrics => Topic started by: benjo on June 22, 2013, 03:12:14 PM
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hi guys,
after reading about this poor girl and her family the other day
i couldn't get them out of my head, so this is my tribute to them
god bless madeleine mccann and family, please comment guys it does mean a lot
thank you all,
MADELEINE
=--==--==--==--=
sleeping beauty stolen in the night
three years old taken out of sight
mum n dad came home madeleine was gone
and the tears are falling six years on
where's my baby
madeleine
beautiful eyes an angels smile
she's always there in her mothers mind
keep on searching no stone unturned
into her mothers arms she must be returned
madeleine, madeleine
where's my baby
madeleine
holding her picture touching her face
scent on her pillow devouring every trace
lay on her bed she imagines her there
hands clasped together payer after prayer
and a mother cries
where's my baby
where's my baby
madeleine, madeleine
daddies girl his beauty queen
his little princess all his dreams
a darkened room no way out
his soul is trapped in the night he shouts
where's my baby
madeleine
mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm
sleeping beauty
stolen in the night
three years old
taken out of sight
where's my baby
where's my baby
madeleine madeleine...
© copyright house all rights reserved...
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Such a beautiful but sad piece of work here. Works well on the emotional level but also flows really well!
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hi booboo,
thanks so much for your feed back, tony...
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its good, a very sad emotional song...
i think you might need to take another look at it though
it was very noticeable, to me anyway, that there was no real
ryming scheme, usually it would b something like abab in tge
verses but yours didnt really match up
hope this helps :)
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hi kevin j,
mmm, I think we all get different things from everything in words
but hey, thanks for taking the time to read it mate tony
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hi tony, a worthy subject to write about, flows quite well, the best bit for me was second verse, really enjoyed that, !!
well done fella
kev !
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hi kev,
thanks for those comments mate means a lot coming from you
glad you liked it, I don't know why but things like this topic always get to me,
thanks again mate take care tony...
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A very emotive topic. Well told.
As kevin j pointed out the rhyme could use some attention, but for me it was just in the third verse. The rest of the verses seem to adhere to aabb and that is fine even though some of the rhymes are fairly distant the still work. But V3 stands out as an odd verse with no rhyme as. IMHO i would correct that.
Nicely worded lyric and it captures the story well.
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It's a good song, lots of emotion in there, I can only really second what's already been said. For me, the songs a bit too 'personal' (with things like using her name) I don't know, but I only really use names if I genuinely know the person. Also the song would be more relatable or open to personal interpretation if you just talked about someone going missing opposed to her specifically. But that's just my two cents :)
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hi guys
thanks so much for your feed back it really means a lot
ALLAN, yes I'm going to take a good look at v3 see if I can get that put right,
when I wrote this each line was cut in half more or less
and I thought it looked to long so I joined the lines more
but thanks again allan great comments take care mate tony...
JESS, I see what you mean about the name thing,
it's basically feelings on poor madeleine McCann, and then going into the parents heads
I imagine that's what they must be screaming every day and night
thanks again jess for your feed back means so much take care tony...
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A very emotive song and one that addresses a topic that is really hard to confront in an admirable way.
The lyrcis are full of emotion.I like the second verse best. There is plenty of celestial references and images that depicts the innocence of child very aptly. A nice simple chorus with good repetition. The only slight problem I have is that the chorus seems to change slightly every time it appears. Some times it's a wee bit shorter other times it's that bit longer. I don't know how that fits the flow. A minor issue really in the grand scheme so well done with this one :)
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hi sing4me88,
thanks so much for the lovely feed back
yes I love trying these kinds of lyrics they are very demanding
you have to really try to get the right word to say the right thing
i'm just taking a look at the third verse it's been said about it not fitting well
and I do agree so if you get another chance to look in let me know what you think of the change
but thanks again for the comments take care tony...
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Lovely words Tony i think they say it all, really heartbreaking case that, parents worse nightmare.
Well Done.
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hi guys,
can't thank you enough for your great feed back
as it was rightly mentioned by KEVIN J and ALLAN
I've rewritten v3 I hope this fits better please let me know what you all think
thanks again for your time in reading and commenting tony...
DOGMAX, hey cheers for that i'm made up you liked it means a lot coming from you mate tony...
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Hello Tony ..
Great interpretation for a very difficult subject .. to be the second voice speaking of disasters situation in a life of family lost there daughter ..
very emotional topic need lot's of care in putting it to a song .. you did a great job of it .. very well done Tony ..
Cheers ..
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Hi Benjo,
what a subject! and the lyrics are very to the point....i would suggest to change "my baby" in "our baby" as it being from the perspective of the parents....these parents are clearly a team on this
now i know this is delicate and perhaps i am touching on dangerous grounds, but if you would have a song like this, and you would make a video that contains serious information, only serious information that is made with the goal of helping the search for Madeleine i think that may be appreciated
but i agree with others that this is very personal by really being clear about the subject, and that makes it difficult too
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hi dutch,
WOW some great points there, you've got me thinking about the OUR BABY part
but some how when I wrote it I was drawn more to the mothers cries rather than the dad
because I think men are more inwardly feeling so he would be screaming and going mad over his baby more inside there for trying to be strong for the mother, if you know what I mean
I think the mother is more likely to show her feelings outwardly, and in my head I saw her
screaming and him comforting, also the reason I named madeleine and made it more personal
is because when I imagined her crying out for her baby I don't think she would just say where's
my baby without saying her name just to give you an idea of that,
if I were to put a vid or photos to this I would like to put family related to show there bond
sorry for going on dutch but your points were really great points I hope this gives you and everyone else an idea of how I felt when writing as always dutch great comments means a lot coming from you
take care tony...
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well, i would like to make music first then ;D ;D ;D before the video
i guess just piano and vocal, but the chance of this turning out wrong, i mean not genuine and corny in the very wrong way (i mean the music i would try to make, not the lyrics) is HUGE
but is also so challenging...(does that sound wrong?..)
I think this one may be just a bit out my reach, i think it could be tasteless what i come up with...but this is a songwriterforum, so before a video you may want to look for a songwriter out here who is capable and put it to music ??? ??? ??? I think Flossie is capable of writing music and singing that is very emotional and right
what do the others think, it may be inapproriate???
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hey dutch,
please excuse me posting this again to you dutch but this is how it reads, the reason I doubled up the lines was to shorten it, I thought it might be a little long it may have made it harder to read the way I intended it to be read, when you mention FLOSSIE wow I only hope she takes a look at this, and thinks she could do something with it, I would be honoured I think she's amazing talent,
but you are so right it is a very difficult subject but I do think the lyrics will always need some change when putting it to fit music, also if this was written and just a made up story we would think of it differently, but to me I like the reality, you do make some great comments dutch check out below how it was first wrote and thank you so much for you time and thoughts means a lot from you tony...
MADELEINE
=--==--==--==--=
sleeping beauty
stolen in the night
three years old
taken out of sight
mum n dad came home
madeleine was gone
and the tears are falling
six years on
where's my baby
madeleine
beautiful eyes
an angels smile
she's always there
in her mothers mind
keep on searching
no stone unturned
into her mothers arms
she must be returned
madeleine, madeleine
where's my baby
madeleine
holding her picture
touching her face
scent on her pillow
devouring every trace
lay on her bed
she imagines her there
hands clasped together
prayer after prayer
where's my baby
where's my baby
madeleine, madeleine
daddies girl
his beauty queen
his little princess
all his dreams
a darkened room
no way out
his soul is trapped
in the night he shouts
where's my baby
madeleine
mmm mmm mmm, mmm mmm
sleeping beauty
stolen in the night
three years old
taken out of sight
where's my baby
where's my baby
madeleine madeleine...
© copyright house all rights reserved...
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these lyrics are very good, would be nice to hear them to music,i agree that using the name is very personal but madeleine is a great name to use in a song, would just depend on how the final piece comes across, good luck with this
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Tony,
Well done for taking on such a tricky subject, indeed I was wary of reading it at first due to all the media hype I think. Anyway as others have said good job.
One thought it might be even more powerful if it was written in the first person rather than an observer - did you consider it?
:)
Neil
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hi guys,
i'm really made up that someone has noticed about taking on the challenge of writing about such
subjects they are very difficult to do thanks for that
CJ ALLEN, thank you so much really nice comments and I do agree with you MADELEINE is a nice
name to put in a song or poem, made up you liked it,
NEIL, always nice to hear from you thanks for your time I think your idea is fantastic about the
first person, even now as I write this to you i'm thinking about that it would give it a
totally different view, yes I can see that I just looked at it then and with a few slight
changes I think it would be lovely, i think i'll take a look at that if someone would try to
put music to it, it might suit them better that way so what a great idea always one step
ahead neil, that's why your stuff is so good, thanks again so much guys means a lot to me
tony...
ps this might be nice to do for charity
no doubt there always crying out for money
and what a lovely cause tony...
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Tony - I've sent you a PM.. :) Neil
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HEY NEIL,
blown away by your PM put me on cloud nine
anything you need from me just say the word
and it's done thanks again mate so much tony...
ps i sent you a PM back...
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Well done benjo. I simply love these lyrics. A lot of feelings are expressed. Left me speechless.
Thumbs up.
Keith
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hey keith,
thanks so much for those great words really made my day
yeh it's a difficult subject if i'm honest I had tears in my eye a few times while I was writing this
thanks again keith so much,
PS, hope you don't mind me asking are you the keith that was keith the lost boy
sorry if i'm mistaken, thanks again mate take care tony...
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Moving & brought tears to my eyes... touching & all I can say is You are there with the ones who have Not forgotten Madeline....Not given up.. A salute & thoughts for the mc canns.
Thank You Stylus
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hey stylus,
great comments thanks so much means a lot coming from you
I will never give up on her nice to see you feel the same man
all my respect to you take care tony...
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Hi Benjo. Kate & gerry live in Rothley & its so close by ................& although its a worldwide investigation theres still a local community full of hope...full of compassion full of support mostly for Kate & Gerry & their family. I have great respect for you for your sensitivity & depth.
Take care too Stylus
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hey keith,
thanks so much for those great words really made my day
yeh it's a difficult subject if i'm honest I had tears in my eye a few times while I was writing this
thanks again keith so much,
PS, hope you don't mind me asking are you the keith that was keith the lost boy
sorry if i'm mistaken, thanks again mate take care tony...
You're welcome Tony. No, I'm not that Keith. :-)
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hey keith,
thanks so much for those great words really made my day
yeh it's a difficult subject if i'm honest I had tears in my eye a few times while I was writing this
thanks again keith so much,
PS, hope you don't mind me asking are you the keith that was keith the lost boy
sorry if i'm mistaken, thanks again mate take care tony...
You're welcome Tony. No, I'm not that Keith. :-)
What was the case of the Keith you mentioned, if I may ask please? I'm trying to find out about the case because I'm curious to know. I found something about the Moors murders. Were you referring to Keith Bennett please?
Thanks
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hey keith,
yeah that's what I was saying I saw a keith the lost boy on here a while ago and wanted to ask then
but I didn't, please don't be offended it's just that I was working on lyrics to a song about
keith Bennett it means a lot to me since his mum died, if it's not you then sorry please ignore
take care tony...
PS I hope you understand what I mean...
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hey keith,
yeah that's what I was saying I saw a keith the lost boy on here a while ago and wanted to ask then
but I didn't, please don't be offended it's just that I was working on lyrics to a song about
keith Bennett it means a lot to me since his mum died, if it's not you then sorry please ignore
take care tony...
PS I hope you understand what I mean...
No problem Tony. Take care my friend. :-)
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hey keith
thanks mate you too tony...