[Jon Lamson]

Hello everybody. This is my first post here, so hang with me.

I am a 15 year old from the east coast of the USA, with aspirations that exceed the limits of my musical talent. I'm just about to start High School @ a new school, so didn't have as much time as I would have liked to put into this one...

I wrote this song about a friend of mine who passes away from cancer several years ago (who was just about the age I am now), almost as a letter to her in reflection.

I'd really love to hear your thoughts.

https://soundcloud.com/jon-lamson/no-more


Lyrics:
And I talked to her just yesterday
Well, they say you could have been saved
But we still prayed for you every night

Jesus will always love you
And Jesus will always save you
But he can’t always keep you alive

And I know It hit you baby
And I know it hit this small town too
And don’t you ever think that we’d ever forget you

Can’t imagine what it did to you
After the celebration when we thought you made it through
But there was nothing, nothing we could do.

And I know It hit you baby
And I know it hit this small town too
And don’t you ever think that we’d ever forget you

[Stevie_M]

Assuming you did all the instruments and mixed this, at 15 years old, that's REALLY impressive. Commercially the mix is obviously rough, but I know you're not going for that.  It's got a warm lo-fi style that works. 

Most people will probably approach this like a pop song and say the vocals need to be louder, but the mix rightfully emphasizes the very raw and beautiful instrumental driving it.  I like it.

[Thebike]

A very moving song with much feeling in the singing.
I´m not christian (or beliver of any other religion ) but I think this lyric is very well put
Jesus will always love you
And Jesus will always save you
But he can’t always keep you alive

With this start I think you will have a good development coming. Keep up the good work!

[digger72]

Hi Jon,

I thought that was great.
So raw - you can feel it. How music should be.
I think all the elements are there - just a little more work on the mix/production side to really make it shine is needed. But not too much - you don't want to lose the soul of it.

Top work.

Digger

[Jon Lamson]

Thanks for the feedback, it means a lot. I did make a version with louder, more clear vocals, but chose to go with this one b/c I thought it worked better toward the overall impression of the song. The mix could be improved, but I didn't want want to change it too much in fear of screwing up the song.

[diademgrove]

Hi Jon,

you sound a little like Tom Waits, a big plus for me. If you recorded the guitar and vocal separately, a little bit of tweaking should slightly increase the volume of the vocal and reduce the volume of the guitar.

Having said I think its a great song. Hope you post some more songs shortly.

Keith

[beckylucythomas]

I am a 15 year old from the east coast of the USA, with aspirations that exceed the limits of my musical talent.

That's excellent that is, it's just what you need - it's what will keep you pushing yourself and developing your talent. And being on a forum like this is a great way to help you get there.

I thought your song was really well written. Very direct in the way you talk to your friend that is gone - no tiptoeing around it with metaphors about death. I think it's that simplicity that makes it work so well and makes it so real.

One thing that made me a bit uncertain was the use of "her" in the first line.... The second line and the rest of the song go on the refer to "they" and "you"..... I wasn't sure who "her" was, so unless that ambiguity is intended, I'd probably clear that up.

Otherwise, i thought the lyrics were excellent and fit the melody like a glove.

At the beginning the organ seemed to dominate things a bit too much imo.

And lastly I'm hesitant to say this but i wondered whether it could afford to be a touch faster..... Only a touch because you wouldn't want to change the vibe...but i thought maybe a little more movement could be a good thing...or not....

Excellent first post. I think you have more talent than you give yourself credit for!

[Sullish]

Very 'different' but very 'good', enjoyed that.

[Gary_W]

Weird AND wonderful.  A great piece of writing that just works. 

I *would* like the vocals up in the mix a bit but that's probably because I'm 30 years older than you and my ears aren't what they used to be   If they *were* louder then it would have put me even more in mind of Tom Waits.  Which is a good thing.

Very impressive at your age!

[Stylus]

    Wow!   15    FIFTEEN!    AMAZIN'

       Hi jon    Very impressed  at your first post/song on here.   I think  its quite a wholesome & mature song for someone of your age &   I'm looking at this song from a creative teenagers point in time & for that itz bladdee  marvellous   I'm not religeous   but very able lyrics  &  soulful music i.e the guitar

                                                                       Well done!           Stylus

[markbriscoe]

Yes I would also make the vocals a bit clearer. I know you wanted to create that raw feeling, but lyrics are there to be understood/heard.  apart from that loved the moody drag of whole piece. keep it up, lots of potential for sure...