[RJDG14]

This song is based upon my one titled "Ban the Bell" which I wrote nearly 6 months ago. I've taken (and altered slightly) the first verse and chorus, then wrote several other blocks to the same structure and on different topics. By "mildly explicit", it has no swearing, but the second area may not he suitable for some people. The four areas are below:

1: Ban the (school) bell
2: End routine circumcision
3: End the use of the weird (P) symbol on CDs
4: Ban photography bans at venues

             G             G
School children, teenagers
        F                                   F
Are forced to go through pain everyday
        G                         G
The schoolyard, the school of fear
F                                        F
Adds to their panicking year on year
   G                   G
A clanging, a pitch of pain
           F                                   F
Rings through the land
              G              G
And the children, of the UK
       F                              F
Are forced out, which takes me to say

F                  E
I'll fight for decades
     D                            C  D  E
To see school bells terminated
F                  E
A child, panic attacks
   D                                  C  D  E
A shiver through their mind
F                  E
Yet the nanny state
          D                                      C       D        E
Does not deem school bells as a health hazard
F                  E
And the sufferers
       D                               C D E
Are forced to end their lives


A newborn, a babies eyes
Staring through the ward
Doors fly past, a trolley cart
Strapped in for no cause
A scalpel comes, a scalpel greets
Intact - Gone!
No pleasure there for years to see
And may I say - there was no need

I'll fight for decades
To see routine cuts terminated
A boy, circumcised
Infringement upon his rights
Yet the Septics have
Not realised what damage is done here
And the sufferers
No pleasure for their time

The industry of music
A symbol enlights their songs
Draw a straight line, then a curve
Finish with the circle
We call this a P, for phonogram
But indeed, what is its point?
No special C for other works
A P is not a sign to live by

I'll fight for decades
To see this symbol terminated
A buyer, paralysed
Pressure upon their time
Yet, the industry
Praises its symbol, a good way to tell on
But why no special sign
For books read through our mind?

A venue, a camera
Banished from the audience
No flash allowed, I understand
Please say no to outright bans
Some singers, liberal ones
Tell us that we can
While the C O, N S E
R V A T I V E S ban

I'll fight for decades
To see concert bans terminated
A person, crying by
The side of the road
Kicked out for no good
But letting the band earn huge profits
We, see no reason
For this to happen

The chords are outlined for only the first block, but the same applies for all four.

Which of the four parts (1 verse and its related "chorus") is the best written in terms of lyrics? What do you think of my song so far? Does the style of writing remind you of any other artists or not? If so, who?

[onemanband]

Hello, RJD

You might have better luck getting this reviewed if you post it in the lyrics thread.

I thought this suffered from being too broad. You obviously have a lot that you want to say - which is an excellent thing as a song writer. But I think you have enough here for three or four songs.

Breaking these up into different and stand alone songs would also alleviate the other problem I have with this set of lyrics as it is. Using all four subject matters  in the same song

1: Ban the (school) bell
2: End routine circumcision
3: End the use of the weird (P) symbol on CDs
4: Ban photography bans at venues

makes a moral equivalence between all four subjects which I would argue doesn't exist. For example some people may see - and quite rightly in my opinion - circumcision as a human rights abuse. Where as a ban on photography at a bands gig - whilst mean spirited I grant you - isn't the equivalent
to  circumcising an innocent, newly born child due to the religious convictions of the unfortunate little sprogs parents.

In the first verse about banning the school bell, you seem to have a swipe at the "nanny state" whilst demanding the school bell be banned. I think some may find a contradiction in there.

Finally, I would say that my response to these lyrics - which I am aware seems quite negative - is proof that you are onto something here. Your subject matter was interesting and engaging enough for me to want to read through, and feel compelled enough to respond with what I think may be my longest response ever on this forum.

Good Luck

[RJDG14]

I think the (P) bit is a little silly, but I did write one part about the Google EU Data Protection message which I could replace it with. By 3-4 songs, do you mean like Another Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd, or are you talking about unrelated songs on similar topics?

[onemanband]

Yeah, I think either way works. Start working on one subject/song first and then just see whats feels right to you.

Maybe try also to express the ideas using metaphor instead of coming straight out and saying what you are talking about.

It means people are getting your message without feeling like they are being "preached" to,which often can be a turn off for people. As I am sure you have seen, when some older well established artists return with a political album it usually tanks. 

Although I wouldn't suggest using this approach for all four subjects.