[GeneralZod]

Here is a song I have been working on for awhile and I am still working on improving the singing parts as well as still modifying the song here and there.

This is basically a song that is talking about everything I think is wrong in the world today. A lot also has to do with the media and the control it has on a lot of people. And maybe it's time for the masses who wander like sheep everyday to wake up and stop living a lie.

Here is a link to the song and lyrics below:

https://soundcloud.com/deliverus/riselikethephoenix

-lyrics-
In the ash of our misfortune
The ruins of a man
Slain by our own contempt
A plague across the land

The media creates it
It makes you sick with fear
Like drones marching in the hive
We're told the end is near.

-pre chorus-
A cross. Life. Death. Knife.
Needle. Sin. Let it begin...

-chorus-
I want you to be set free
Like the Phoenix Rise Arise
fix my bones God lift my soul
let is stand and Rise Arise

2nd verse
We're told to trust our leaders
never given any choice
they force down our eyes
and cast down our voice
 
 
Just like they were sheep
the masses follow the lead
How can they wake up?
When they don't know they're asleep
 
-Pre chorus-
Hate. Control.  A wilted soul
Ascension within. Let it begin...
 
-2nd Chorus-

The end


 

[Mystic Dreamer]

Hi,

Very interesting song. 

I have a couple of suggestions I would like to offer for the vocals.  First, I would bring them to the front in the mix so they dominate the guitar, rather than the other way around.  The second thing I would suggest is to lay down the guitar music track first.  Preferably with playing against a click, or drum track to keep things in a nice clean groove.   Then sing the vocals over that so you can concentrate on the vocals independent of having to also play the guitar. 

These are just suggestions of techniques I have found useful for myself in the past.

As far as the song goes my only suggestion at this time is to sing the chorus more upbeat and positive.  I say this for two reasons.  One reason is that the lyrics of chorus are positive uplifting lyrics.  You're talking about being lifted up and set free.  Yet you sing the chorus in a way that sounds like you are being brought down into depression.  The other reason I suggest this is that I think an uplifting chorus would contrast nicely with the rest of the song that seems to be more about the mundane drudgery of life.  The chorus just doesn't seem to be conveying musically what the lyrics of the chorus are saying.

Anyway that's my feedback for whatever it's worth.  Good luck with this piece however you choose to proceed.

[hardtwistmusic]

There is a ton of potential in this song.  Sang easily in my head even before you began singing, which means that you've done an excellent job of choosing music that "leads" the singer to the correct notes to sing. 

I'll echo Mystic Dreamer's request that you emphasize the vocals a little more.  Aside from that, it's just a matter of getting a really good recording of this. 

[GeneralZod]

Thanks for listening guys. I will try to get a better quality recording. I was really concerned about staying on pitch with the vocals and getting a good tone. The chorus has that descending line I've been thinking of different ways to do it but still trying to find a good melody. I think the uplifting chorus would be nice maybe I could sing it an octave higher or something thanks for the feedback

[diademgrove]

I thought the music for the chorus worked really well although it doesn't fit the words. I would be tempted to write a downbeat chorus that went with the verses and the pre-chorus. I would use the current words as a bridge with a more upbeat feel before going into the second pre- and chorus.

If you disagree feel free to ignore my suggestion.

Looking forward to seeing where you go with the song.

Keith

[GeneralZod]

I thought the music for the chorus worked really well although it doesn't fit the words. I would be tempted to write a downbeat chorus that went with the verses and the pre-chorus. I would use the current words as a bridge with a more upbeat feel before going into the second pre- and chorus.

If you disagree feel free to ignore my suggestion.

Looking forward to seeing where you go with the song.

Keith

Hi thanks for listening! I love getting feedback. i dont know very many people who are songwriters in the real world. I would be interested to hear how you would do the chorus. When i play this song electric it is slightly different and the bass has a melody part. Here is the electric version. so it changes the chorus a little.

https://soundcloud.com/deliverus/arise-bass-line


I think the chorus really hits home with what the overall theme of the song is and it is a call for the masses to wake up. Im still trying new ways of doing the chorus but haven't decided yet. I also have a bridge section already which would likely be a solo, with or without the possibly of a vocal part there. I couldnt see the chorus part as the bridge but if i heard it then maybe it could possibly work and it sounds interesting. Thanks for your reply!

[diademgrove]

There are two ways to approach the chorus. You could change the music, maybe move it up a key and play major chords. The lift in key would compliment the words better.

The alternative is to keep the original music and write different lyrics, for example start with "Hate seekers cast you aside" and add more words that fit the music.

The new bass line tends to support keeping the words you've written. It would help if I could hear a version with the bass and the words.

Sorry not to be more help,

Keith